her morning elegance.

Bazinga!

2011-12-15T22:04:00.002-06:00

I know I really ought to be packing right now, but I have to write down some of my thoughts!

Ben and I got the job with that nice school. It's in Yongin city, not too far from Seoul. I've heard many reports of it being an awesome city, so that's good! We got the unofficial offer Sunday, and we got the contract Monday night. I turned in my notice at work on Tuesday and craziness has consistently ensued ever since.

The most stressful part: they want us to move in two weeks. Actually, they want us to be there on the 27th. (AHHHHHHH!) I told them I had to give my two-week notice at work, and I hope they got that. Because I kind of need the extra day or two to move all our stuff up to Jonesboro... and to get Cat settled up there. I don't know how she is going to react, and I'm kind of worried about her. I never thought I would feel so protective about an animal, but she's important to us. Hopefully we can get her moved to Korea quickly and safely... we just can't afford it (financially and time-wise) right now.

So to add to the stressful part of them wanting us to move in two weeks, we don't know when we are flying out. Which means we are packing now, thinking later. We're selling whatever we can, giving or throwing away the rest of what we don't want, and storing the rest at my mom's. I hate packing, though. Never was good at it. And it's just Ben and me... no one to help. Sigh. Not that we can really afford the U-haul either...

I am excited, though. I just wish all of this extraneous stuff would take care of itself!!

Note: If anyone needs a dining table and chairs, couch, tv stand, or end tables, let us know!

The waiting game.

2011-12-11T18:09:00.001-06:00

Waiting is tortuous. I've never been incredibly patient, and waiting to hear back from this school has been tying my insides in knots since our interview on Thursday. The first school we had interviewed for (the shady one) offered us a contract within 24 hours, but we turned it down for obvious reasons. We thought we might hear from the second school as quickly, until we realized that Friday evening for us was Saturday for them... so we've been on pins and needles waiting for news all weekend. Ben's being much more chill about it. As for me, I've felt sick off and on from the nerves all week, haha.

Worst case scenario: we don't get an offer. It won't be the end of the world, and we will continue to interview for jobs until we do find one.

Best case scenario: we get an offer, and we leave for Korea in a month. Which means this week I would have to put in notice at work and at the apartment, we would have to pack all of our stuff, and get ready for a really quick December.

Both scenarios seriously stress me out. I'm still having difficulty figuring out how we will pay for everything if we leave in a month.

Morning thoughts.

2011-12-08T06:20:00.001-06:00

Well, here I am finishing a stale cup of coffee, thinking about what went down last night.
We had our first school "interview," which basically entailed talking to one of the teachers while the director was listening in. Which basically means they probably couldn't be truthful about some stuff.

We had originally been scheduled to have two interviews last night. The first one was rescheduled last minute because of an unforeseen situation arising at the school. The second... well, they just forgot to call us, apparently. I ended up having to e-mail the recruiter to make sure we got the interview... And they called us, about 45 minutes late.

The interview wasn't really like any interview I had ever had. The fact that it was a teacher talking to us let our guards down a little bit (until we realized the director was there the whole time), and the guy was pleasant enough. However, his lack of anything negative to say about his experience was a bit of a red flag for us. Also, when he asked the director if she wanted to talk to us or if she had any questions for us, she said no. The entire "interview" was pretty much the teacher asking if we had any questions. He didn't ask too much about us, which was surprising. The feeling we got out of the experience was strange... we couldn't tell if they were just feeling us out, or if they were confident about us and just making sure we didn't have any questions... No e-mails from them since, and I have no idea if we're going to hear back from them at all.

The final weird thing about the interview happened when I asked the teacher for his e-mail address. His e-mail had his full name, so we Googled the teacher. None of his online presence has anything to say about being in Korea since August 2010. In fact, his sites (Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, Facebook) all say he is currently in law school in Washington DC... Ben got upset over this. It's hard to know who to trust, and when it looks like we're being played... that's disheartening. I'm sure there is some possible explanation for it, but those explanations aren't exactly forthcoming, and it isn't a question one can just whip out in casual conversation online.

"So, like, were you lying that whole time?"

The good news is that we have this second interview tonight. I hope it goes well... from what I've heard about the city and the possible school we're interviewing for, it's a really great job. At this point, we're just needing some concrete information! This constant limbo of waiting for job interviews is pretty nerve-racking.

I'll let you all know what happens next when I find out.
Cheers!

Updates.

2011-11-20T14:17:00.001-06:00

Well, here's a quick update on our situation!
First, we are still poor. Ben's still trying to find a job. Chris is getting married this weekend (that's a major yay!), which means soon I shall have a sister-in-law and two new nieces. I'm pretty excited about that one.

I had a nice birthday, though it was fairly quiet. Still had to go to work (boo), but they got me a chocolate cake (yay)! Ashley, Julie, and Ben took me out to Olive Garden for dinner. And on Saturday, Mom came down from Jonesboro to take Ben and me out to dinner... we went to Gauchos-- yum. And Mom got me the most amazing suitcase that I'd been drooling over. I still have my bright fuchsia one... and Ben may have to use that one when we move, haha. I also got the Doctor Who Series 6 Part 1 Blu-ray pack!

Now for the real updates. We've been accepted to Footprints Recruiting, which is great. And we've applied to two jobs already through separate recruiters. We haven't heard back from them yet, but those jobs started March 1st, so if we can find something sooner, that would be better. Also, Ben and I bit the bullet and reluctantly signed up for online TEFL certification courses. This set us back $445 (I had a bit of a panic attack on the way to work after paying), but the benefit is undeniable. We will not only get some good insight on the classroom settings we will be working in, but we will also be qualified for higher salaries with those certifications under our belts. I hope we made the right decision. I'm still freaking out about it a little...

In other news, our FBI background checks finally came in, and we got a recommendation for a private organization that can get them Apostilled for us much quicker (as in, about a week, as opposed to 4-6 weeks). Which means, once we get that taken care of, and our letters of reference are complete, we will have all of our paperwork. Which means we just lack a job offer, a contract, and our visa from the consulate.

Moving right along...

Baby steps forward.

2011-11-14T15:38:00.001-06:00

Well, things are a little better than they were my last post! We decided to ditch the TeachESLKorea recruiter and move on to other options. As in, we applied to six other recruiters. I was hoping we would only have to focus on one set of applications, but as it turns out, most people have better luck from exploring more than one route.

So. Here's the current sitch on things. Despite some negative comments about Footprints Recruiting on Dave's ESL Cafe, we went ahead and put in our applications. We are playing it pretty wary with each recruiter until we get the info on what they can offer us, so don't worry about us getting stuck with a bad organization!

I just had my interview with Footprints this afternoon, and I think it went really well. Ben's interview is on Wednesday, so please send positive vibes his way. What we really need is someone looking for jobs for us at this point instead of being in perpetual limbo.

As far as our E-2 Visa process goes, the only thing we lack is getting our FBI background checks in. We applied for them in August, and they still haven't gotten back. After that, we have to send them to get apostilled, which will take another 3 weeks or so. (ugh).

The only real difficulties we are having right now involve the TEFL certification and our current financial situation. Ben and I simply cannot afford shelling out $220 each (that's with the Footprints discount) to go through the course. I really want to take it, and Ben's resume would really be buffed up if he had the certification. But we are poor. :( Seriously. I have been eating ramen noodles for at least one meal every day for the past two weeks. All carbs all the time. We'll get through it and figure something out, but it's been tough... and probably will be for a while.

Note: I've never done this before, and we don't want to put pressure on anyone, but if someone feels inclined to help us out, even a little, we now have a donation account on PayPal. The button is up there in the upper right hand corner. We would sincerely appreciate any help you can provide. All donations will go either toward our TEFL certifications or our cat's relocation fees. =^.^=

Sometimes the pressure of our financial situation is overwhelming. It will hit me all of a sudden, on the way to work or while I'm making dinner, and I will have a mini-meltdown. I honestly don't know how we are going to survive financially if we are forced to remain in the States for more than a couple of months. If we go through a pet relocation agency, we are going to have to borrow serious money from family to pay the bill. I've been considering sending funding letters to friends and family, like I did for many of my Hungary trips. (This is what I get for not learning how to budget properly from the beginning. Sigh.)

I keep telling myself we'll make it through somehow, that we will figure something out. But the longer we wait, the worse it gets, and I can't figure out a way to do it all without borrowing.

Boo hoo. There's my sob story for the day. Poor and unafraid to say it. Just terrified to deal with it, haha.

Love,
Beks

Setbacks

2011-11-01T05:59:00.000-05:00

This is so frustrating I could cry.
This morning I received an e-mail from the recruiter saying they probably could not place us in Korea. That there are too many applicants and too few jobs. He told us to go get a 100hr TEFL course (about $200 per person), get all of our documents in order, and then talk to him, but he couldn't make any promises.

Can we afford to invest more time and money into this? As it is, I'm uncomfortable with our current financial situation. We were counting on this. We have friends who are over there, and we had no reason to believe it would be difficult to get placed.

So right now I'm having a little freak out, trying to decide whether to send back a reply assuring him we'll do what we can, or whether we should just forget Korea and move on to another country. I can't sanely back out of this venture. We have to go.

Don't let me down.

2011-09-19T09:44:00.000-05:00

Letting people down is not something I relish doing. I hate "breaking the news", and I generally put it off as long as possible. Though I doubt that letting the wait drag out hardly improves the situation, I guess it's more for my sake. Knowing that people may think less of me or blame me for something is the worst. I shouldn't care what they think, but I do. It's natural for me to want to please. It used to be worse. Back in high school when I had frequent and disturbing nightmares, I narrowed the problem down to my difficulty with saying no to people. I would let myself get so stressed out with not only my schedule, but worrying about what other people would think if I messed up, that my mind would vent when I went to sleep.

All this to say that I have news that will not make some people happy at all, and I don't know how they will react. These people have been so good to me, and while I can get pretty frustrated with them, they have done a lot for me since I have known them. I've always been a teacher's pet--so sue me-- and this situation doesn't seem any different.

So boo. I have to break the news soon, because once the paperwork starts trickling back in... Ben and I are moving to Korea.

catching the career bug

2011-06-16T06:21:00.004-05:00

So............................................................................................................................................

Still at the spa.

Things are going okay, I guess, but I still can't help but itch to get out of these restraints of working in such a conservative, one-sided work-place. Don't get me wrong, I love the people I work with, and I even enjoy the work. I like the make-up of course (Jane Iredale is AMAZING, even if Bare Minerals is sometimes a letdown), and the retail side of things that I'm in charge of can be fun. It gives me a chance to use numbers and some minor statistics (and we all know how much I love stats, hehe).

Nevertheless, I often get frustrated. The past few weeks, I've been required to assume a full-time receptionist role since we've lost a couple of girls up front, and the more I'm in that role, the more problems I seem to be causing. I'm not cut out to be a receptionist. Sorry. I think of myself as the more aloof, independent creative, ya know?

I can't wait until we hire a couple of new people so I can focus on why I'm there-- um, the make-up.

Also, I've been "training" to be the secondary spraytan person... I don't even like tans. Anyone who sees me will know that I know next to nothing about a healthy golden body. I am paaaaasty, and I like it. Now, ask me about a good bronzer, and I'm all over it. I'm just not a spraytan kind of girl.

I guess it would help if I'd take out my airbrush again and actually try to use it. I haven't really had time...

In other news, I'm throwing around the idea of going to cosmetology school while I'm down here... I have been lusting after doing freelance full-time (especially since I just can't seem to get used to just being a beauty mua), and I would be losing a LOT of opportunities by (a) not being able to understand a thing about hairstyling, and (b) not being licensed. All the lovely ladies out there who monopolize the freelance industry in LR are certified (to the best of my knowledge), and they are often hired for hair AND make-up.

So.

Much as I reeeeeeally don't want to be labeled a "cosmetologist", I may end up needing it. Plus, I can demand higher pay with the certification.

Unfortunately, I still want to go to a make-up school. And Ben still needs to find a job. One thing at a time, though...

Kristi, if you read this, I miss you.

Beks

anxiety

2011-04-19T20:10:00.002-05:00

I've been getting so much better about my storm-related anxiety... but all of that progress is thrown out the window when I know my husband is driving home in the storm. :(((((((

spring is here!

2011-03-21T17:59:00.003-05:00

The first day of spring has never seemed so infinitely perfect. When I walked outside for a bit today, I was overwhelmed by the beautiful weather. Just the perfect temperature. I haven't loved being outside that much in a while! I wish we had outdoor furniture to put on our balcony so I could have read outside today, but instead I had to make due with opening all the windows and turning on the fans to circulate the fresh air.

I took the opportunity to do some spring cleaning-- much needed, might I add. I had to go out and purchase a new vacuum cleaner today since our old one had called it quits (the motor died, poo *sadface*). So I vacuumed the apartment, did laundry, did dishes, swept, and treated our hardwood floors. When I get up the courage to face my allergy fears, I'm going to clean the litter box, too. :/ I'm going to tie a scarf around my face first, though lol. And wear rubber gloves.

Going back to work tomorrow. I had a five-day holiday! Well, I was sent home on Wednesday, and they told me not to come back for the rest of the week since it turned out I was contagious with strep throat. All better now, though, and quite rested. Though I know I'm going to be hating my paycheck for last week, I appreciated the time I was given to recuperate with my sweet husband (who took very good care of me, might I add).

I've been doing a lot of thinking this weekend about our future, and still haven't gotten any closer to making any real progress. The more I see babies on television and in real life, the more my heart aches to start a family, but OH MY WORD do I know that we aren't ready for that, even if it WAS in our immediate future plans. Ben feels it, too. He gets this really precious look on his face when we see a cute child while we're out. And his family certainly has made their opinions and wishes known. I'm lucky that my own extended family has plenty of babies to soak up the attention.

Nevertheless, I feel like if I decided to stop here and settle down, I would overwhelmingly feel like a failure, after wanting for so long to pursue my dreams as a make-up artist. I like my job at the spa, but I know it isn't going to be a long-term option for me. I don't have enough freedom or flexibility, and my true passion in make-up is film! This job has made me turn down multiple film opportunities this spring, and I know I wouldn't be happy if that was my life from here on out.

I want to go to Vancouver for film school, but it's getting hard for me to find motivation. I know the move will be hard on us. We will be horridly in debt, which is why we're here in Arkansas for now-- to pay off debt before we can think of acquiring more. The longer I stay here, the less possible the move seems, but there's no way we could leave now. I want to learn more! I want to go to the best school out there! I want to meet the extraordinary people in the industry and be involved in incredible, life-changing projects! I'm not going to get all that here, but we're stuck for now.

Like I told Kristi, basically the name of the game right now is "try-not-to-get-pregnant".

I want to set a goal for myself. A year from now, a year from today, March 21st, 2011, I want to have made a decision about Vancouver (or whatever film/makeup school) and have a definite timeline for getting OUT of Arkansas. That way we can adjust our budget (ha) to start saving money, and I can give definites to the school for application or even inquiry purposes.

...because let's face it, just because I apply, that doesn't mean I'll get in.

We have the whole world ahead of us, and we (I) just have to find the courage to make the decisions that will change our lives, hopefully for the better.

cruddy.

2011-03-16T20:40:00.002-05:00

I'm sick, and I feel like telling someone about it. I've a feeling it's the beginnings of bronchitis... Started out yesterday as a bit of pressure in my chest which I immediately recognized as congestion, and I was feeling a little short of breath. This morning I woke up with a sore throat, and thanks to the Mucinex I took last night, some of the congestion had loosened in my chest so I could cough... a little. It hurts too much to try a really productive cough, though, so today I mostly tried to take shallow breaths, and if I coughed I kept it toned down... little pathetic baby coughs, pretty much. Until I run a fever, all I can do is suck on Chloraseptic lozenges and take Mucinex twice a day. I feel like crud, and I wish someone would baby me lol.

Ben's on days at work now! I'm so excited about this. We don't really see a WHOLE lot more of each other, but we are on the same sleep schedule. We sleep in the same bed at the same time, we get up and see each other before work, and see each other at night after work. I feel much more grounded because of this, so let's hope things stay good.

Our dishwasher has been broken for like two weeks now. My hands cry out from all the handwashing I've been doing...

What else... job's going well. Kristi came and visited me last week, which was so nice. My cat is snuggling next to me right now and being stupidly cute. Aside from being sick, missing my friends, and wishing I could fix my friends' problems, things are good.

But then there's that Japan thing... I worry for my friends and family over there. My cousin Sean and his family, Eika-chan, and several others. I wish I could hop into a helicopter and scoop them all up to safety. As that's an impossibility, though, I can only hope for their continued safety, health, and sanity. :(

golden glow

2011-02-17T20:57:00.002-06:00

I figured it was about time to update about the new job and everything.

Let's start off with a resounding "I AM SO GLAD I GOT A NEW JOB"! Starbucks, my dear, you were a fair-weather friend, and I realize now that I was missing out on so much by sticking around. I cherish the real friendships that I made there, both with co-workers and customers, but it was about time for me to leave.

Working at the spa has been a huge change for me. I get up at six in the morning so I can shower, apply make-up, and style my hair. I leave home at eight, occasionally stopping at the SBUX on Oak St. on my way out of town for a double tall nonfat latte (a huge, majorly healthier change from my good old standby triple tall iced white mocha no whip). The drive down to Little Rock isn't that bad, and I leave early enough to account for most traffic snafus and snares (usually happening right outside of Conway or Maumelle, ugh).

Typically, I'll arrive at the spa twenty minutes early, time enough to help myself to more coffee or to read a book while I wait for the day to begin at 9am.

My job description is MAKEUP ARTIST, but I am quickly assuming a lot of other roles... recently being trained as a receptionist, retail specialist, Facebook page operator, and occasionally maid and interior decorator. This broad list of jobs is not a bad thing! I hate having nothing to do, so I always get excited when someone gives me a project. It's just that this is a slow make-up season, and it won't really pick up until spring (wedding season!).

We sell Bare Escentuals and Jane Iredale at the spa, two really great brands that I can sell without having to lie about how great they are. I'm still more comfortable with Bare Minerals than I am with Jane's make-up, just because my clients are few and far between, and I'm more experienced with that line than Jane Iredale. Plus, there are three types of foundation in the Jane line... as opposed to one type in Bare Minerals (unless you count Matte minerals as a different species altogether...).

In the normal work week, I usually have one or two prescheduled make-up appointments, with several small touch-up sessions after clients have facials or treatments. I relish the make-up part of my job, the part I was hired for... but after my clients leave, I usually have to find something useful to do... like dust the twenty some-odd glass shelves of product that we have in the lobby and make-up room!

Everyone at the spa is incredibly sweet, polite, and professional. It was refreshing to see how all these women (and the occasional guy) interact positively with one another. They accepted me right away, which was such a relief. No one seems to begrudge any complimentary services offered to the other new girl, Kate, and me. So far, I have gotten eyelash extensions, a hydrating body wrap body treatment, and a really awesome spray tan (which terrified me-- imagine me, pale olive pink me, suddenly having browned skin!).

The only things that are really not that great about this job so far are that I'm new (duh), and that I sometimes wish I could do more. A lot of this boils down to my need for people to trust me. Being the new girl that I am, I'm constantly having to backtrack because I made a mistake about which I wasn't warned... It's an unnerving feeling, always being on one's guard to be corrected when one doesn't really know what is unacceptable in the first place. It's really no one's fault. I can't expect them to remember everything during training. Beyond that, I can't help but feel handicapped as far as my own make-up business goes. There are jobs that I have or may have accepted in the past that I can't do now, and wedding gigs as a freelancer are nigh impossible since I work at the spa on Saturdays. The brides have to come to me! I feel like my hands are tied. Or one is.

One thing that is making that claustrophobic feeling a little better is that I've already made a suggestion to my bosses that they have been really receptive to: I want to start doing airbrush make-up at the spa, particularly for brides and bridal parties. This could seriously increase the income for the spa (and myself), and it would allow me a little more room to flourish as a make-up artist in a workplace where the make-up is a bit of an afterthought. Ben is buying me an airbrush kit (as a belated Valentine's gift ;) ), and I hope to be able to start airbrushing for pay by summertime.

All in all, I am happy. I don't necessarily get to see my husband more, but there is a regularity to our schedules now that we didn't have before. The predictability is relieving. I'm lucky to have this job, and I'm thankful for it. I'm thankful for a lot these days.

Enough rambling...

<3.

My husband.

2011-01-18T23:00:00.002-06:00

Even though I'm about to fall over from exhaustion and general illness, I feel like I need to talk about how awesome my husband is.

Sometimes I get frustrated because we don't always get to see each other a lot. Him being on nights, and me having an irregular morning/night work schedule has caused no little tension for us as a newlywed couple. However, I think it's important to note how eager my husband is to make time for me when I need it. Sometimes I get lonely the nights that he works, and he takes time to text me every once in a while... so even if I go to sleep, I'll wake up to see something he's written me.

He takes care of me. Today I was sick, and he quickly thought to go get my heating pad and made sure I was comfortable. He always tucks me in and kisses me goodnight when he's not working. He listens to me whine about work or other pithy things, and he offers reasonable feedback that I probably wouldn't have considered beforehand.

Overall, I am just so happy. I love him, I love us, so much. How blessed I am!

Beauty.

2011-01-17T19:51:00.000-06:00

Today, after meeting another girl from the spa and reading the dress code rules, I started thinking about how rough around the edges a girl's appearance can get while working at SBUX or other similar jobs. I was thinking, "Geez... I'm going to need a serious manicure and a haircut to be able to keep up appearances with the other employees here." My hands are rough, dry, and chapped from chemicals and heavy usage, my nails are unpolished, and my main hairstyle for the past year and a half has been a ponytail or bun. I thought to myself, "I need some work."

Just when I started to think about it again this evening, I ran across this quote:

"And above all things, never think that you're not good enough yourself. You should never think that. My belief is that in life people will take you at your own reckoning." -- Isaac Asimov

What a perfect thing to find. I really needed to hear that.

...still gonna get a haircut, though.

Sunday, Sunday.

2011-01-16T16:23:00.003-06:00

Only four more days at Starbucks, and then I'm out of there.

Much love to all my coworkers, but I am ready to be gone (as I'm sure I've made it very clear, sorry).

I met with Jim and Mahvash on Friday to go over the schedule for the next month or so. They're training me on the front desk, so I can book my own appointments and check people out if need be. Basically, they're trying to make sure that I'm always occupied, for which I'm grateful! I'll probably just be happy that I'm not bored.

I got some sad news about a family member last night that I'm unsure if I can share right now, so I'll just say that I'm disappointed, sad, and concerned.

Not really all that sure why I decided to post today. Just felt like it, I suppose...

I miss my friends. I miss that about college... being around friends all the time. I hardly ever see Julie or Ashley, and now Laura and Flora are both out of state. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have Ben to pester all the time! It's true that we're all busy, but I hope I'll at least get to see Ashley more now that the semester has started back up for her.

Love and kitties,

Beks

turning the tide.

2011-01-08T13:36:00.002-06:00

I had to invite my other e-mail account (AKA this one) to "contribute" to the blog, since this address is in my old e-mail's account name.

ANYWAYYYY.

So, a certain exciting development has unfolded in my life, and I'm anxious to share it.

First, we moved to Conway back in October, and we love our apartment.

But the real development is that I just got a new job this week. Yesterday, actually. A friend of Flora's let me in on an opening for a makeup artist at his aunt's day spa in Little Rock. I went, interviewed, and they pulled me in for a second interview yesterday. Long story short, I am now a bonafide makeup artist getting paid for what I love to do. My current boss at Maubucks isn't too happy, but to tell the truth, I'm tired of coffee and trying to be nice to the same jerks day in and day out for almost two years. It's been long overdue.

My last day at Starbucks is in two weeks, and after that, I will be full time at the Rejuvenation Day Spa. I have my own make-up room and everything, and I can use all of their products-- Bare Minerals and Jane Iredale!

What does this mean for the future? Well, Ben and I have recently discussed moving to Washington in the near future (next couple of years). He's going to try to interview with some stores up there and in other places around America to get a feel for what it'll take to move... he's even trying to figure out how to get into a Vancouver store. My new job isn't going to take away from Vancouver and our future plans. We still have to save money before MU school. But being in a job where I can get more hands-on experience and hopefully get some good letters of recommendation is very important and exciting for me right now. I need all the help I can get to find my way into a school.

Besides, I'm getting paid more. And I'll get to see my husband more, with the regular hours.

Today is a good day.

Beks

sick.

2010-09-23T08:03:00.003-05:00

You know, I think it's pretty cruel to go from nausea one day (causing an inability to eat) to indigestion the next. If I have to throw up the half piece of toast I ate this morning, I'm going to be pretty pissed. Bleh!

2010-09-14T12:19:00.001-05:00

I am so mad right now I don't know what to do with myself.

Housewifery bizness.

2010-09-04T15:53:00.002-05:00

Well, hello, blog-o-sphere. It's nice to be reacquainted with you. Can you imagine, I'm married now? I can hardly believe it myself. On August 7th, Ben and I stood on stage at Southwest Church in Jonesboro, and we said our vows in front of an audience of family and friends. Everyone said the ceremony was lovely. I don't remember much of it beyond the look in Ben's eyes and feeling very nervous. :)

We went to Chicago for our honeymoon, which was lots of fun. We stayed at the Rapphaello hotel right next to the John Hancock building, and we pretty much just did whatever we wanted for a week. It was nice.

Now, we are living in Maumelle. The apartment is a mess, which is partially my fault. I can't "nest" yet, knowing that we are going to be moving to Conway relatively soon. We've been having trouble finding a place in Conway this close to the start of the school year, particularly some place that allows pets, but doesn't require de-clawing cats. Narrows it down to, like, three complexes. As of last week no one had any openings for a one bedroom, but I just got an e-mail from the first place we had looked at, and they have something open NOW. I've got to talk to Ben about it when he gets up, because this may be our best chance since our lease is up in October.

Being a wife is fun. I've cooked several times, at least twice a week, which is definitely an improvement for me, and we eat leftovers when we can. We're trying to cut corners and save money wherever possible.

The only real stressors we have at the moment (aside from where we're going to be living) are our job situations. Neither of us are particularly happy about our current jobs, but neither of us can really leave these jobs without something else lined up. For me, I would love to do make-up for a living RIGHT NOW, but I can't. The only projects I've been getting this summer have been volunteer jobs, and that status doesn't seem to be lifting any time soon. I've toyed with the idea of applying to Sephora, which would be a step-up from slinging coffee and being emotionally abused 8 hours a day, but if we're moving to Conway, that'd mean commuting. Not the end of the world, but it would be a setback.

Ben's job is even worse, and he comes home from work frustrated and exhausted. We are surviving his overnight schedule, but to be absolutely frank, it SUCKS. We don't get to spend much time with each other outside of napping during the middle of the day together when I get off work or the brief moments before he has to leave for his job. This can occasionally rub either of us raw, causing us to be short with one another about little things. We're both frustrated with the situation... but are continually reminding ourselves that the situation is only temporary. God willing, he should be out of that bracket next spring.

As for make-up school plans, I wouldn't necessarily say they're on hold, but they're definitely not happening any time soon. I know Shauna entreated me during one of our last meetings to refuse any sort of delay, but it just can't be helped. Ben is stressing out because he wants to make my dreams happen (ahhh, but I love him), and he doesn't want to put any kinks into it by altering our financial situation if he quits. This puts me in an uncomfortable spot by making me feel that it's my own selfish desires that keeps him in his miserable job. The paranoid newlywed in me is worried that this may come up later to bite me. :/

Nevertheless, we are supporting one another emotionally, and we constantly remind ourselves that no matter what happens, we have each other. We will get to where we want to go somehow-- it just may not be in the manner we had planned.

Above all, we are abundantly blessed, and it's good to be alive and to be together.

Over and out,

Rebekah Suzanne Howard

p.s. If any of you want to see the proofs from the wedding, you can view them on my cousin's website, http://www.lorisparkman.instaproofs.com, and click on "Bekah and Ben: Wedding!".

mundane sounds.

2010-06-05T21:28:00.002-05:00

Living alone has had its blessings and its... un-blessings... It's been nice to have my own space, to be able to go about my life as I want to (with the exception of work, haha) and to take care of my own place. On the downside, it's incredibly lonely. Sometimes I don't get any work done at all because I'm just not motivated to be active. It's not necessarily a state of depression... just a state of indifference. I don't like that part much. I don't like the silence.

Work has been going all right, even though we've had a lot of personnel changes over the past several months. I am now an official shift supervisor, which pretty much means that I have authority but am accountable for a lot more.

Wedding planning at times seems very accelerated, at others in slow motion. Got the florist taken care of this week, and my veil and dress are all in order. The next couple of weeks are dedicated to invitations, and my wedding shower is on the 13th of June at Southwest Church in Jonesboro (for any of you people in the area :) ).

Feeling a little scatterbrained, but I hadn't posted in a while, so here you go.

Beks

finals

2010-05-03T17:41:00.002-05:00

It's so stupidly difficult to stay motivated and study for a final you just don't care about.

Sigh.

Also, Julie and I STILL need a reality television show. If only we could go back in time to take care of that from the beginning.

Right now, watching some weird Johnny Depp movie on AMC and trying to focus on Russian psychology.

Blech.

So long, UCA! A farewell to four years.

2010-04-20T17:08:00.005-05:00

Wow. It's difficult to believe that in less than three weeks, I and my best friends will be graduating. As I look through Facebook pictures posted since coming to UCA, I'm blown away by how much I have grown.

When I started at UCA, I was a bit of an awkward girl who was uncomfortable with her weight and who wanted desperately to belong. Though I was in band, the band community in university turned out to be more focused on marching band, something I was no longer part of beyond high school... and since I didn't want to join a sorority (even the band sorority), I was left to find another community to support me.

It was my great luck that I started in the Honors College as a freshman. Living in New Hall, I lived right across from someone who would become a very dear friend-- Joe Birdsong. We fought amiably, and we soon formed close friendships with three other girls: Julie Storing, Laina Gaddis, and Alycia Seefeld. Before the semester's end, we had dubbed ourselves the BFFS4E (BFFs forever). Aside from a fight or two, we were inseparable.

I made some stupid dating mistakes over the years... dated the wrong people, held on to the wrong guys, and broke a few hearts. Joe summed it up in our sophomore year in a comment that had hurt me at the time, but now I agree with: "You're pickier about your cheese dip than you are about who you date."

Yeah.

My first two years here at UCA, I guess I would consider myself as rather mediocre. I was good at many things, but never great. I was never the BEST at oboe, as I had been in high school. I got good grades, but I didn't love my major.

After a break-up in my sophomore year, I decided to go on a strict diet. I WeightWatchers-ed myself down 40 pounds, skinnier than I had been since junior high school. Suddenly my wardrobe of t-shirts and jeans expanded to blouses, skirts, and better-fitting clothes. I took more interest in my appearance.

That summer I traveled to Ireland, a trip that ended up being life-altering in many ways. I met two of my best friends on that trip, Flora Bailey and Laura Berbusse. Laura and I had made plans, before we even knew each other very well, to go alone to a Leonard Cohen/Damien Rice concert in Dublin. We faced adversity from the teacher sponsoring the trip, but we ended up flying together in a rickety plane to Dublin, navigating our own way through the crowded streets to a quaint bed and breakfast, getting lost once or twice and running all the way to the concert across town. We ate and drank at our leisure and spent those few glorious days as girls in magical Ireland with hardly a care in the world.

Flora, Laura, and I bashed around Ireland like sisters, and now they are both bridesmaids in my wedding. <3.

That year, I also found my true calling-- as a make-up artist. I'd finally found something I could be great at, and I even started to get paid for it.

My junior year was very momentous. I briefly dated a guy, thought I loved him, and got my heart broken when I belated realized he wasn't really that into me. Even after I broke up with him, I mourned him for months. He was someone that I thought I wanted. I made the mistake having a short rebound that only seemed to make me feel worse... until I met Ben.

Benjamin Howard and I started talking on OkCupid as friends, sparked by his amusement at my use of the word "snarky" in my profile. We had a lot in common, and so we became fast friends. We had both been hurt in the past, and at that point I found myself unwilling to look for anything more than friendship. I had had my fill of Arkansas boys who couldn't look past themselves. Besides, I wanted to get out of the state. Whether to make-up school, the Peace Corps, or getting a government job overseas, I knew that I wanted to get out, and making promises to someone here would be a mistake.

He told me he would follow me anywhere. Even Africa, if that's where I ended up.

Slowly, he wore me down with charming persistence, as I like to call it. :) He treated me kindly and was honest with me, and he accepted me as I was. We started dating, and soon we both knew that we didn't want anyone else. We were content.

Senior year. A lot has happened this year, too. I started work on my gore make-up thesis. I booked several jobs working on movie sets. I've begun to make a name for myself here. Now, I go into other classes on campus, mention my thesis, and people know my name and my work. People I've never met in Little Rock know of me and my projects.

Last semester was rough. I started working at Starbucks over the summer, and didn't quit when school started up again. My schedule was insane, and I hardly had time for anything outside of school and work. I had to schedule time with Ben and my friends.

My friends had a falling out. Living in an apartment this year has had many good points, but Laina and Ashley (who had been living with us since our junior year) couldn't get along as roommates, and Laina kind of pushed Ashley out. Circumstances being what they were, Julie and I maintained our friendship with Ashley, but our relationship with Laina suffered seriously. Our former best friend hardly speaks to us anymore. That's just the state of things...

Ben proposed to me on my birthday at Something Brewing. What a special night! (And quite a shock to everyone, especially my family). They've been coming around, if slowly, and once school is out I can't wait to continue the wedding planning. The wedding is in August.

This semester has been much better. My schedule is not as hectic, but still full. I got to work on a great movie in Little Rock with some people from UCLA, Seattle, and Arkansas. I've had four photoshoots for my gore thesis.

I have grown into myself.

So despite the many huge and at times excruciating changes... I think it's all been for the best. I like who I am now. I no longer feel mediocre... I have a dream to pursue, a fiancé who loves me and supports my dreams, and good, good friends.

This summer, I am renting my oboe professor's house while she is traveling out of state. I am going to continue working at Starbucks and doing make-up on the side, hopefully branching out into fashion and beauty make-up on top of the SFX and gore. And after the wedding in August, well... we're just going to keep living, working, and striving toward our dreams.

developments!

2010-02-22T17:13:00.002-06:00

So, my last post was pretty despairing. Feeling better now, though. I got my motivation back, and now everything is going by quicker than I could have imagined.

There are quite a few professional developments!

--Went to the first Filmmakers Forum last week and made a lot of contacts.
--Secured a job doing a Little Rock DJ's make-up for a promo video.
--I am on IMDB!
--I'm now committed to two movies for next month.
--My first thesis photo shoot is this Sunday, the 28th!
--I am volunteering as a SFX make-up artist for the UCA Active Shooter Exercise next month.

I'm finally starting to feel like a professional. It's a nice feeling... things are falling into place, and I can't wait to finish my thesis portfolio and throw myself head-on into make-up after graduation.

:) kbai.

Life, last semester, and this whole being a successful individual thing...

2010-02-18T20:57:00.004-06:00

Recently it's been feeling a little like claustrophobia.
There's too much that's falling apart in my hands, too much ill that I'm seeing.
Too much I'm just not motivated to do, too much I refuse to do on principles I can't even explain properly.
Too much anger, too much hurt kept silent.
Too much I can't do to help other people.
Sometimes I feel like a failure, like I can't get myself out of this rut I've dug.

I'm an emo mess sometimes, bear with me.
It'll be better tomorrow.

maiwage.

2010-02-02T13:02:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to say that we set the date. :)

7 August 2010.

♥.

LAST semester.

2010-01-20T13:15:00.002-06:00

This semester is one of endings.

My last semester at UCA.

My last time to live with Julie.

My last time to play oboe on a regular basis.

My last time to GET money from school.

My last time to see a lot of people.

It's a good time of endings, but sad, too.

Semester's started out well, aside from the little hiccup that was me ripping a few ribs from my spinal column (yeah, what was up with that?). I'm balancing work and school a WHOOOOLE lot better, which means I can spend more time (a) sleeping, (b) with friends, and (c) working on thesis. I feel so behind on thesis, it's ridiculous. But when I consider how little some other people have done, maybe it's not so terrible, after all. I just know that these last few months are going to go by ridiculously quickly.

I have more to say, but I'd much rather grab some yummy foods and catch up on some trashy tv before work. Catch yous guys lata!

Beks

The End of 2009

2009-12-31T10:44:00.004-06:00

Well, 2009. Here were are.

I think we both know you were quite the disappointment.

You kicked me and mine when we were down.

Took some loved ones away from us.

Turned a friend against us.

Hurt some.

Lost some.

You crushed some dreams.

You postponed a lot of others.

You caused a lot of tears.

Nevertheless, I won't discredit you the high points.

I met my soulmate this year, and he asked me to marry him.

I got to spend time with friends in Hungary.

I got to see Niall here in Arkansas.

Reunited with New Mexico family.

Was able to start pushing my make-up career forward.

Got a good job.

Here's to hoping next year will be better. For everyone. I mean, how could it not be? I'm graduating, I'm marrying the love of my life, and I'm starting things fresh.

Beks.

Fall 2009

2009-11-19T07:27:00.002-06:00

Reasons Why Fall 2009 Has Been the Worst Semester EVER

I got a job, which began meaning I never saw my friends. Now it just means I never get sleep because I'm trying to see my friends.
My classes are uncharacteristically demanding, and teachers are not sympathetic to a student's overbooked schedule.
One of my friends turned out to be a witch of a person.
I'm taking classes that (for the most part) I don't enjoy.
I am exhausted all the time.
I disappoint people constantly because I don't have time for them.

Things That Made Fall 2009 Bearable

My remaining awesome friends.
Flora and Matt bought a house only a few blocks away!
My co-workers are super. <3.
I feel like I'm accomplishing something by being so busy.
I got engaged to the best man I know.
I had a stellar birthday because of it.
I channeled my artistic side in drawing class and made a lot of friends.
I relearned French, and speak/read/write it better than ever.
I learned that there is more to life than grades, and despite my slightly falling GPA this semester (no doubt with more than one B), I feel like it was worth it to spend time with friends and family.
I got to see my Aunt Margi and Sam for my birthday.
I received inheritance money that'll help me accomplish my dreams.
No regular nightmares as a result of the heavy stress I'm under -- good sign?

There are still a few weeks left before the end of the semester, but there's a basic summary of it. I'm glad to see more good than bad on that list.

<3.

Cheers.

2009-11-18T23:05:00.001-06:00

Well, now that the smoke of the first reaction to my engagement has settled, I realize my life is more hectic than ever. This week I've gotten minimal to less than the minimum sleep. I've worked more, I've had five times as many assignments, two tests, two papers, drawings to turn in, a tutorial presentation to prepare, and an audition. The audition I haven't even looked at the music for.

...this week comes straight from hell.

2009-11-13T09:32:00.003-06:00

Friday the 13th, and today's going to be a really tough one. Well, really the whole weekend will be. I'm dealing with shocked family, upset family, worried family... I get the feeling that I'll be treated like a petulant child more than once. Part of me is very glad that I'll be working much of the time.

I don't know. I'm worried, too. I feel like I've been suffocating all morning... well, since last night. Because I don't know what I'm going to say. I've never been good with conflict. We all know that I clam up, I get quiet, I cry because I beat myself up when people get unhappy with me... I love Ben, and I guess the little girl in me hoped that my family would be excited, too. But all the negativity coming from them, it's making me uncomfortable with myself and with all this. I'm young, yes, but I'm an adult, too. And I'd like to make my own decisions without being ragged on for being careless or immature.

Maybe it's immature of me that I care so much what my family thinks about all this... but really, I feel like I'm being reasonable. No, Ben and I have not been dating for very long ("at my age?"), but we've known for a while now that there's no one else for us. No, I did not tell everyone that we were this serious. Sorry about that. I didn't know I had to advertise it to the world...

...sorry. I'm a bit bitter right now.

Ugh.

I need a vacation, lol.

wthcol, people?

2009-10-23T09:18:00.002-05:00

Just. So.

I'm crabby, my throat feels like I swallowed fire, and my thesis tutor is late to yet another meeting.

I'm getting frustrated. I just hope I don't have to "talk" to her like Ashley did... I'm not good at laying down the law, or whatever. Plus, I don't really have any plausible people to switch to, should things turn sour.

Also, I am worried about a certain application that I turned in and haven't heard about... despite two of my friends being accepted. Eh... ambiguous speech aside, I'll be pretty depressed if I don't get it. I was really looking forward to it.

Yes, I am sick. Started out as a wimpy headache and throat throb, now it's a fullblown sore throat that won't let me sleep. Curse you, tonsils! I don't really know for sure if it's tonsils, but it feels like tonsillitis... People call me a hypochondriac, but the funny thing is is that I'm right a lot of the time. :p

Work is going good. Still loving being a barista, still disliking getting up in the morning. I haven't been sleeping very much (5 hours a night is average for me, I get 7-8 hours maybe twice a week).

School is okay. My French teacher thinks I am doing great (which came as a huge surprise), and my psych classes, well... well, I'm surviving them, haha. Evolutionary Psych is kicking my butt; Sensation & Perception is okay, though I find myself staring blankly at my professor most of the time, now that we're getting into really technical stuff.

Friend situation... is worse. A lot of drama happened recently that I'd rather not talk about now. There were a lot of tears, though, and Ashley's no longer living with us. Which sucks.

Well... I guess I'll go check the rest of the building and see if my tutor is hanging around somewhere. I'm going to have to ask her if there's a better meeting time than this, since she's forgetting it a lot.

I'm such a Debbie Downer.

One of life's funny moments.

2009-09-10T22:11:00.002-05:00

The most hysterical thing happened today.

I went to Walgreens between classes to pick up the picture I printed off of Ashley's face (for thesis), and accidentally dropped my debit card somewhere between coming out the door and getting to my car. (It ended up being underneath my car-- I found it, no worries).

So anyway, while I was rummaging around in my stuff, still in the parking lot with my door open, some girl in a red car pulls up and honks at me. I look 'round, and she's saying something to me through the closed window. Looked like "are you waiting for me?"

Imagining that she meant waiting for her to move, I shook my head, mouthed "no", and went back to rummaging.

And didn't notice her get out of her car and walk around to my passenger side.

Didn't notice until she tapped on my window and opened the door, sitting down in my passenger seat and closing the door.

...

Yes, take a minute to think this through. A girl I had never seen before jumped in my car.

Not only that, but she turns to me all matter-of-fact and says, "Ok, let's figure this thing out."

...

What?!

I was just staring at her like she was a crazy person, and she tilted her head and asked, "Wait, do I know you?"

And I said, "Um, no. No, you don't." She kept looking at me like she didn't believe me. After a few moments, it seemed to hit her what she had done, mentioning having to meet this girl she didn't know very well, then she uttered a string of curses, mumbling a little, and then she jumped out of the car and pretty much ran away into the Walgreens.

...end.

recap.

2009-08-24T15:59:00.003-05:00

Well, the fall semester of my last year at UCA has started, and things are already going crazy. This year is different in so many ways... But let's just go through the list of classes first:

(1) Evolutionary Psychology - doesn't sound too hard. I've got 3+ friends in there to sit with, too.

(2) Wind Ensemble - holy crap, I made Wind Ensemble! I didn't expect that one. I love my rowmates, though, and aside from some uncomfortable situations that may arise at concerts (read: people I'm not used to seeing), I'm very excited about being there.

(3) French Conv. & Comp. II - the class sounds fun, but I got intimidated in class on Thursday. Having waited a year to take the sequel to Conv. & Comp. I, my French is rusty. Also, I've been speaking, reading, and thinking Hungarian since the summer started, so my brain is going to have a hard time untraining itself and jumping back into French mode.

(4) Drawing I - a fun, loose class. Nothing difficult here, just two hours per session to let my hair down and breathe.

(5) Sensation & Perception - having had Cognitive and Physiological from the same professor last semester, I feel like a lot of this is review.

(6a) Oxford Tutorial - I'm excited about my thesis, but uncomfortable and unsure how to make it more interdisciplinary. Creative theses are a little more difficult in that respect.

(6b) Meetings with Tutor - rescheduled meetings with Shauna, so now we're meeting later in the week. I'm pretty excited!

(7) Oboe - lessons start Wednesday.

Also, I am working 20-25 hours/week at the Starbucks in Maumelle, now that school has started. This means morning shifts... which means leaving Conway at 4:30am twice a week (ouch...). But it's good. I love my job, and I love the people I work with. =)

Ben is great... I love him terribly. We're both suffering for my busy schedule, him moreso than me, since he has a little more free time to suffer (I'm sure if the situation were reversed, I would feel similarly). I just want him to be happy, but sometimes it seems like there's nothing I can do for a time. I miss him. He just talked himself into, then out of, then back into coming to see me this afternoon, even though I have to go film this evening in Little Rock.

I love him.

I also love my Hungarian friends, whom I miss something crazy, too.

I have homework I should be doing... but I felt like these things needed be recorded.

<3.

you had the passenger seat then.

2009-07-14T23:59:00.002-05:00

Friday, I will probably filled with exuberance and excitement.

Saturday, I will probably be ecstatically surrounded by friends.

The next three weeks will likely be fantastic and fulfilling, but...

Tonight, just let me be sad.

Love,

Bekah.

holiday for hanging

2009-07-04T11:48:00.003-05:00

Happy 4th of July to me. I think it's pretty ironic that the first Independence Day I spend in the States in the past 5 years, I'm working and otherwise spending the holiday alone. Ah well... at least tonight won't be boring.

I hurt Ben's feelings last night, and it feels like I'm suffocating since I can't talk to him right now.

That's really all I have to say.

a fun night at work.

2009-06-12T23:54:00.002-05:00

Tonight was fun. I was a little apprehensive about it -- I haven't quite gotten the hang of closing up the store properly yet. Maybe just because I feel like I'm doing everything inadequately!

Anyway, though... tonight it was Josh, Chris, and I, and we had a pretty good time. We had some great customers, and everyone seemed to be in a good mood. Josh and I worked up a welcoming routine for the drive-thru that we eventually tried out on one family near the end of the night:

"Good evening!"

"Welcome to Starbucks!"

"I'm Josh..."

"And I'm Bekah..."

"What can we get started for you tonight?"

We would flip back and forth during the whole ordering process-- I think we ended up making the family feel as silly as we were feeling. :) That was good.

Let's see... Oh! And something weird happened. I am pretty sure I was flirted with by one of the lobby customers. He and two women came in -- he seemed to be in his late 20s, I think. I was working bar, and while Chris took his order, I stood behind the counter and was getting the specifics so I could start on his drink. I think it was... a skinny cinnamon dolce latte? Yeah.

Anyway, he was kind of looking at me strangely. As if he knew me or something. And when I went up to the bar, he started talking to me, lightly teasing as if I were a friend. Asked if I had weekend plans (fishing, perhaps?). I told him I would be working all weekend. Then he proceeded to tell me about his moving plans-- moving to California rather soon for a job. We chatted a while. He was pretty nice, but it was just so strange! I wanted to know his deal, lol. Ha! If I didn't have a boyfriend that I love and adore, I'm sure I would be eaten up with curiosity. As it is now, however, I am happy enough to pass on the humorous event to my blog and a couple of friends, and there it shall rest. :)

Josh and I kind of bonded tonight, too, which was nice. I'm glad I like my coworkers... I really consider them all friends, even this soon into the job!

Summer lovin', happened so fast...

2009-06-01T00:32:00.003-05:00

The summer is really panning out to be a great one already. It's different, but a good different. Kind of a grown-up good different.

Work has been awesome. Seriously. I love my job... I loved coffee before, but I have such a huge appreciation for it now! Even more than before. My coworkers are incredibly great. I really couldn't imagine working anywhere else right now. It's a good fit for me at this time in my life.

I don't get to see Ben as often as I would like. We average about twice a week... it seems like we're seeing each other less now than we did when I was in school. Odd, but then again, I was about 20 minutes closer. Ben was planning on moving to Conway... I guess I was hoping he was really going to try to do so, but you know, things come up. He's got more important things to do right now.

Tomorrow morning, I am getting up, and I am going running. I officially start whatever regimen it is I'm going to put myself through tomorrow. I would like to lose say... 15 pounds before Hungary. It'll probably end up being maybe 10, but I'll take what I can get! I haven't really... gained that much weight since last summer... maybe about 10 pounds, but I -feel- like I have. My clothes aren't fitting like they were. So time to crack down!

I miss my friends a lot. I might have to watch some Doctor Who tomorrow to get over school-sickness.

loooooove.

love love love.

because I have nothing better to say.

love.

Beks.

La la La

2009-05-21T00:40:00.003-05:00

Well, friends, it's been a while.

I'm in Maumelle now, living with my aunt and cousins again.

Started working at Starbucks on Monday, and so far it's been pretty great. I learn how to make lattes in the morning.

Maggie (my car) seems to be on her last toenail of her last foot of her last leg. The list of problems is extensive. Suffice it to say that she has mysterious electrical problems, and is now entirely unreliable. :( I have to put her in the shop tomorrow morning even though I don't have any money to fix her. Lord willing, it's going to be an easy, relatively cheap problem to fix.

...Not holding my breath, though.

Other than that, life is going okay. Somehow I managed to scrape by with a 4.0 for this past semester. Crazy... don't know if I deserved it... but I'll leave the judging to the teachers, lol.

I miss my mom. I miss my brother. I miss my friends. I miss Ben. I always forget about the whole not having friends bit about living in Maumelle. Hanging out with Tyler and Caitlin is fun, but it's always tough not having my best friends around. Plus, this week I'm only working 20 hours... which means a lot of downtime alone here at home... because everyone else in the household works at ASP from morning to evening.

Let's just say I've been napping a lot, lol.

Well... that's it for my bellyaching. I'm going to catch some sleep.

Love,

Beks

take me to the riot.

2009-04-27T01:00:00.001-05:00

You know what's funny (and probably not a very good thing)?

The more I get behind on school work, the less I care about it.

And the more I think about the future.

♥.

more adventurous.

2009-04-19T16:45:00.003-05:00

At this point in the semester, the name of the game is "Keeping Your Head Above Water." I'm behind on schoolwork, and it's tough to stay motivated to get it done in the first place. I'm coasting through my classes, and I'm having a hard time putting much effort into my extracurriculars. I guess you could say I'm a little distracted.

Summer plans, the boy, thesis plans, friends in pain, planning my future in general... It's all culminating into one big, crazy ball of distraction. I don't know if I'm depressed or anxious or just stressed. I feel like I could sleep for an eternity. Little things frustrate me more than they did. I want to get away.

I've been having weird dreams lately. Maybe not nightmares... just forays into things disturbing.

I need to clean my room. I need to write my paper(s). I need to practice for my lesson and get ready for tonight's meetings/rehearsals.

...but I just want to go to bed.

I was going to drive down to Maumelle to turn in my Starbucks application this morning. I'd had it all filled out and everything. Typical, though, my car was dead when I went down.

That would be my life, lol.

Seriously. One of these days I'm going to have a reliable car.

...it may be a while, though.

Love, Beks

p.s. the roommates think I need to see a "doctor". And when I say doctor, I mean a girly doctor. lol. I won't fill you in on the gnarly, personal details, so I'll just say that I've got this paranoid feeling that I'm going to find out that I can't have kids. (I wanted to put a "lol" after that, and then I disapproved of my own levity in light of the subject matter. ...lol).

A good day.

2009-04-02T16:30:00.002-05:00

How exciting today has been! After Stage Makeup, I stayed behind to talk to my professor and ask her to be my thesis tutor. She was totally pumped about it! Eeeeeeeks I'm so excited. She's got some great ideas about different techniques we can use, and she really wants to help me get into the SFX type of makeup that I'm still not that great at.

Happiness. :)

Also, I got an invite to stay with Fanni's fam for a few days while I'm in Hungary -- very welcome!

Oh, and I met with my little over coffee, too.

So aside from the icky stormy weather we've had, it's been a good day.

Ben's coming to visit me tonight, so I don't really know how the day could get better.

Ah, life. ♥.

Gone, gone, gone.

2009-03-30T16:37:00.003-05:00

Ah, world.

How much has changed! I hardly recognize my own life anymore.

I'm on the verge of being pretty stressed, and I'm exhausted from my very busy spring break, but I am well. The guy I am seeing is... well, the whole situation is different. I don't rightly understand it, and sometimes I don't really feel I deserve it (or him). The thing is, though, I just can't see life without him. That's what's so strange. I cannot imagine living without him in my life.

I just hope that feeling isn't fleeting. I'm kind of enjoying it.

Anywho, I might come back and write some more tonight. I have to go film stuff for Laughing Stock in a few... so I've gotta run!

Much love,

Beks

blue smiles.

2009-03-11T10:30:00.001-05:00

My, my, Bekah.

Be careful, or you're likely to lose yourself.

It's been a good week.

find me a find, catch me a catch.

2009-03-02T19:14:00.001-06:00

I want someone who would fly to Africa to see me.

Is that selfish?

it'll happen. it's gonna happen.

2009-02-25T20:47:00.003-06:00

Things have been passing strange recently.

I went home this past weekend so I could spend some time with my mom. My mom had a date... that's weird to say. It's not something that's really come up ever, not that I remember. It's always just been my mom, my brother, and me. So dealing with something new was an experience, to say the least.

I spent a lot of time with Katie, Adam, and David this past weekend, too. That was good. I guess I really needed some time to sit back and not think about the normal things. I came back to school feeling much more relaxed about life than I did when I left it.

...probably not all good, as I skipped my SOC class today, lol.

The atmosphere at my old church in Jonesboro was... intense on Sunday. A lot of unfortunate events have stricken the congregation there, and I got an email today about another. A man I liked but really knew only through other people I loved took ill recently and passed away last night. All this death just makes me feel... quiet. It doesn't make me all that sad or upset (as I think it probably should...)... I just don't really know what to do with myself. I feel like I need to do something, but I'm finding the motivation to start on the night's homework hard to come by.

I'm going to see my brother in Mississippi over spring break before I fly to Florida. I decided this past weekend, and I'm pretty excited. :) I miss that kid.

There's probably a lot more I could write about... but frankly, I need to start on this work.

Cheers.

Nagyon szeretlek.

Thank you, your grumpiness.

2009-02-12T21:52:00.003-06:00

I met Malcolm-Jamal Warner today.

Talking to him was pretty awesome.

He was a remarkably well-spoken, genuine human being.

Hearing about The Cosby Show from one of the children's point of view was fascinating! I'm so glad I got invited to go meet him. <3.

We have a surplus of individualism and a deficit of companionship.

2009-02-09T23:03:00.004-06:00

I've noticed that it's the times when I most desperately need to get work done that I find myself sorely lacking in motivation.

...Sigh.

Today was a good day. I managed to almost completely get through my first weekly walk/run routine this morning. ("Almost completely" because I skipped one running segment near the middle of the course to keep walking and loosen out my muscles). The course is actually a series of podcasts I heard about from Emily some weeks ago... with the aim of getting a beginning runner up to running 5k in 9 weeks. Pretty cool, right? I'm also working on getting to two hundred sit-ups in six weeks.

So while I've gained a bit of weight over the past semester and break, I'm getting the physical side of myself back on track for one of the first times since... well, it's been a while.

Almost had a small freak-out tonight while studying. I'm just so distracted tonight... thinking about too many things. I emailed Sephora about their new store opening in Little Rock this spring. Hopefully they'll email me back. I don't know if I'll be able to get a job with them, but it's what I need right now. I have to start getting connections... and the whole vastness of my future ahead of me is more than a little daunting. I know what I want, but will I be good enough to reach it? Will I have enough ambition and spirit?

It was these questions (and many, many more) that made me lay my head down on my desk and breathe. I have to keep telling myself that I have time. I can do anything I want. I don't have to worry yet.

Yeah, and then I remember that I'm telling that to someone who worries to the point of obsession about these types of things. It drives people crazy, but it's the way I am.

Céad Míle Fáilte

2009-02-07T00:59:00.007-06:00

As usual, I need to go to bed.

This week was a rollercoaster, but it was more than I could have ever expected.

Last weekend was Derrick's birthday extravaganza. We went out Friday and Saturday and had lots of fun in the process. I got to spend some time with his friends and ended up liking them very much! It was lovely to see Derrick, and I'm sad I couldn't get his present(s) to him on time... but it's true, he'll be getting his late like I did. ;)

My favorite Irish friend, Niall, arrived in Arkansas Monday night. It was all I could do to keep from tackling him when he walked out of Emma's house, and we saw him for the first time since July. He came to class with me (Honors with Allison: Issues in Global Economics and Environment), and I was pleasantly surprised to find he knew a lot on these issues. He even participated in the discussion.

Dinner at Old Chicago, then we hung out at the Bear's Den afterward. Got to see Dustin, which was almost as momentous as seeing Niall.

On Wednesday I had classes until late afternoon, but I was able to hitch a ride with a few people to Little Rock to spend some time with him. We ate/had a couple of pints at the Flying Saucer and finished up at Willy D's... And then he left, which kind of broke my heart for some reason.

I guess it just reminds me of all those times I had to leave people I loved behind in other places-- Hungary, for instance. I'm trying very hard to get there for the last camp this summer, but after then? Who knows if I'll ever be back. And while I told Niall that I would without a doubt be back to Ireland, I don't know if I will any time soon, you know? Who knows if I'll ever see him again. He told Flo's husband that he'd never fallen in love with a bus tour group the way he fell in love with ours. Everyone (well, you know, with the students at least). Especially us four chicas -- Flo, Laura, Amber, and myself. That really made saying goodbye to him harder, too. We all love him and wish Ireland were a little closer. Sigh.

Anyway. That's what's been going on. Classes are going well, but I feel like a slacker in all of them except for Stage Makeup, and that's the only one that I really care about.

Love.

Beks.

keep it cool.

2009-01-21T16:26:00.002-06:00

Two days of official classes gone by, and here's how things stand:

Honors Senior Seminar: Issues in Global Economics and Environment

Well, I've got tentative hopes for this course. I'm learning a lot already, and I'm enjoying getting a better grasp on economics (something I've had a hard time with in the past). There's a lot of reading, though, and writing, too. That's a little difficult, but not too daunting. Yay for Honors.

Stage Makeup

HOMG THE COOLEST CLASS EVER. For real. 75% of the grade is putting makeup on yourself. At first I was a little wary, having already some decent experience with theatrical makeup, but I'm already learning new things. Fabulous. Plus, I have this class with Trace, and Trace is one of the grooviest people ever. So yeah.

Cognitive Psychology

Not a really difficult course. And thus not too much to say about it. Wade's in both of my psych classes, so at least I have a friend.

Physiological Psychology

As this class is taken from the same teacher 10 minutes after Cognitive Psychology, we sometimes hear a lot of the same stuff in this class that we did the last one. ...but that's not really a big deal. The prof's very amiable, and he makes us laugh. Again, probably not a very difficult course, so all's good.

Principles of Sociology

I really like my professor for this course. He's got a very gentle, intelligent countenance. Though a lot of the stuff we are looking at now I've already studied at least twice before, I think I'm going to enjoy this class anyway.

Symphonic Band

Ah, symphonic band. ...What is there to say? I got passive-aggressively scolded as I came in. We're supposed to be there 5-10 minutes early to tune (as with any band class I've ever had), but I have class in across campus just beforehand, so I'm just going to have to book it from Irby to SFA on MWF. Also not pleased about having to schedule sectionals every week, but HEY! I'm not all that worried, nor do I care all that much. I just like to play. The literature we're reading right now is fun, though some parts are a bit difficult. Overall, I like band. S'normal.

Alycia and I have started to work out in the mornings on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I love it already. Oboe lessons start next week, though, and mine is at 9:30am on Wednesday, so I'm going to have to reorganize my workout schedule.

We're going bellydancing tonight, weeeeee!

More to come soon, including the ever-changing spring break and summer plans, and life changes.

Love,

Beks.

forget about your house of cards.

2009-01-15T17:50:00.002-06:00

Well, today was our first day of school for the spring semester of 2009. My first semester as a senior. A year from now, I will be starting my very last semester at UCA. How's that for a crazy thought?

My classes today have been pretty fun. I just had Honors (issues in global economics and environment or something like that) and Stage Makeup. Stage Makeup is going to be the easiest and most fun class EVER, pretty sure. Do makeup and get credit for it? Seriously, now. And there are some fun people in there, too (bff Trace!), so +5 to Tuesday/Thursday classes. I really hope the teacher ends up thinking I'm a good person or whatever. I seriously need a tutor for next semester...

I'm feeling a little flyaway these days. My body is protesting something, haha. Takes forever to get to sleep, dreaming a lot more than usual (about half nightmares), and lots of upset tummy days. :( I'm not really all that stressed anymore, now that my ticket got taken care of... so I don't know.

The second generation of social networking (as in, parents, teachers, relatives, friends of parents, old church members) has started to get under my skin. Don't get me wrong, Facebook and Myspace are great tools for networking and keeping in touch with people, but seriously... when one has been on those websites for 5+ years and been able to keep some level of privacy, and then is thrown into experiencing new generation of web-social networkers who are wide-eyed and excited about the brand new perspective that social networking websites present to them... it's a little unnerving.

See... before, students like us were able to partition our lives better. There are our online identities, branches of ourselves visible to friends (both in-real-life and net friends), but otherwise invisible to the outside world. Now, though, it is almost impossible to keep those worlds divided without looking like a jerk. Does that make sense? Everyone is joining Facebook (and Myspace, though the recent boom has seemed to be Facebook). Relatives. Old home church members you see twice a year. Friends of friends. Teachers. Everyone. And these days it seems like I'm spending more time running interference trying to keep the boat from being rocked than actually connecting with friends.

I have over a thousand Facebook friends, so I look doubly a jerk when I decline someone's friend request.

You know what's also unnerving?

In our Strange Communities class last semester, we discussed how websites like Facebook define the way people look at you in real life... how we refer to content on those sites as a matter of fact. And I understood that and supported it, because it's true -- since high school, I have referred to Facebook for real life information about real life people. Discussions had on Facebook are carried on in real life.

It was refreshing and somewhat relieving that certain parts of life were not part of that crossreferencing. That one could go home, and be taken point-blank, as you were, without having to worry about the face you present to the online world. Your mask.

Now, with everyone joining... there is no privacy. No partitioning of one's life. People who weren't making references to online versions of yourself are now doing so.

Commenting on parts of yourself that are online.

Changing the way you interact with them.

'Checking out' friends virtually and making assumptions not previously held about those people based solely on the content of their profiles.

Calling a friend 'creepy' because something in his profile didn't agree with them.

It isn't fair.

It's at odds.

I don't like it.

Sorry... what a long blog of complaints this has been. I'm just feeling weird because I had to decline someone's Facebook friend request twice because I honestly just didn't want to be FB friends with them.

Is that bad?

Sigh.

hello.

2009-01-03T00:39:00.002-06:00

Julie, this quote is for the two of us:

"The world bursts at the seams with people ready to tell you you're not good enough. On occasion, some may be correct. But do not do their work for them. Seek any job; ask anyone out; pursue any goal. Don't take it personally when they say 'no' -- they may not be smart enough to say 'yes'."

--Keith Olbermann

Happy New Year 2009, world.

I rang in the new year like a wuss. Had a mental/emotional breakdown about an hour before midnight, and I was asleep whenever my 12am alarm went off. Yeah. I know I'm lame. Shut up.

I really just have one resolution this year, mostly because I normally don't do resolutions. But I figured I might as well try to get over someone I've been unhealthily pining over for months... I got through a lot of the process on Christmas Eve. Deleted him from websites, blocked and deleted on messengers, the lot. I didn't delete old emails and messages until today. That was hard, but... it needed to be done. More so when I found out he had a girlfriend today. That was a bit of a blow to the gut... twist the knife, will you? Yeah, and then rip it out, haha. I'm reminded of that knife in the 1994 Jungle Book, you know?

Capt. Boone (Cary Elwes): [holding up the knife] This is a personal favorite of mine. You thrust it into your opponent's belly like that, see? And then you twist it a little and rip out his stomach.

Mowgli: And then do you eat him?

Capt. Boone: No, of course not.

Mowgli: Does he want to eat you?

Capt. Boone: Why, no.

Mowgli: Then why kill him?

Capt. Boone: Because he's your enemy.

Mowgli: What is enemy?

Capt. Boone: Someone you hate.

Mowgli: What is hate?

I tell myself it's for the best, that we were never really all that good for each other, but it's tough. and I won't try to fool myself into thinking it shouldn't be. As Julie says, though... he doesn't matter. And in the end, he doesn't. Really, he doesn't.

So here's to a new year full of its own beauty, pain, stupid mistakes, successes, and failures. Julie has feelings that a lot of things are going to change this year, and I think it's possible-- even probable. I just hope some of them will be good changes.

Had a bit of a run-in with the police on New Years -- might explain that later. But before I go back to school I have to go to court to appeal a ticket I shouldn't have gotten. Yuck.

Planning on going back on Weight Watchers soon, just because. It'd be cool to lose maybe another 30 pounds before summer, but I'm not making myself any big promises yet. I have to see how stressful this semester will be first.

Joe, we all miss you. :( Hopefully see you soon.

Love you guys. Hope your breaks are going swimmingly.

christmas!

2008-12-25T23:33:00.004-06:00

Happy Christmas, world. There's still a few minutes left of it here in Arkansas. I think I'd consider this year's holiday season a pretty great one. We spent Thanksgiving in Nashville with family, and now the family's come to us. My brother came in on Monday, and my uncle (Johnny) and aunt (Dana) from New Jersey drove in on Tuesday. It's been a pretty tame week. Chris had to leave to go back to Mississippi after lunch today, and we all miss him. But we have more family driving in to spend tomorrow with us, so that should be fun.

I didn't sleep too well last night... and not because I was excited about Christmas! I did something last night that I probably should have done way back in October... I've just been too weak to do it. When Laura first suggested it several weeks ago, I didn't know if I'd be able to, but last night I finally decided it was time to let go. I didn't sleep well because of predictably (but rather vividly) sad dreams. Weird, I know, but I think my subconscious was ritualistically letting go, too, or something. Saying goodbye and all that. I just know I woke up crying in the wee hours of the morning, replaying everything that happened in the dream. I can't remember the last time I woke up crying... childhood? Who knows. Ah well. It's over now. Hello, new life.

Christmas morning, ahhhh.

I think the gifts I gave went over passing well, so I'm glad for that!

These are the most notable things I got:

Doctor Who Season 3 (thank you, Chris!!)
Sephora Brand Ultimate Blockbuster - Collector's Edition Palette + lip repulpant gloss (thanks Mom!)
Heatable Aromatherapy Booties (I'm SERIOUS, you heat them up in the microwave and put them on your feet!)
Handmade scarf and hat set
Hoodie from Hawaii
iPod to FM converter for my car

Chris also gave me my birthday present the other day, which was a new orange iPod nano. Very cute!

I'm house/pet-sitting for some family friends this weekend and part of next week. Good thing, too, I need the money. :)

Also: my mom is taking in a 15-yr-old German exchange student for 10 days after the New Year. ...Kinda weird, and I get the feeling I'm going to be the one trucking the girl around trying to entertain her. But it should be fun, I guess.

Well, that's about it! I hope everyone's Christmas (or winter-time holiday) was fantastic and brilliant and all that!

Cheers.

idle.

2008-12-14T16:45:00.004-06:00

I've been back for several Sundays, but just now it's hit me how weird it is to come back to the church of my childhood for extended periods. Talking to family friends about my future plans. Explaining to concerned motherly figures why a recent venture into a relationship didn't work out. Expressing general amiability to all and expounding on my gratefulness for being on break.

Coming to terms with being a senior. How did that happen so quickly?

More and more these days, people seem to have a hard time recognizing me both in appearance and personality. Odd enough for me: have really I changed so much? Perhaps I have.

Maybe that's why I'm suddenly so eager to get out and away, to be free to start something worthwhile and entirely my own. The idea of being different is becoming more attractive as time wears on, I think. I don't want to be unapproachable to the people who know me from my childhood, but... don't we all want it acknowledged that we aren't who we once were? That we've grown up, and we have accomplishments to our name that are ours? That we are just as valuable as we are now as we were then? That we are worth knowing as we are now?

I have too much time to myself now that I'm home. Please, someone, save me from idle contemplation. This type of melancholic reflection can be the only product.

everything's looking rose from here.

2008-12-12T11:02:00.004-06:00

Well, friends. Tonight I go back home. Not for long, I'll be back in Conway next week for Julie's birthday. But still... going home today represents the ending of this semester.

And thank Elua for that!

This was probably the worst semester of my college career. Not because the classes were hard-- they weren't, compared to other semesters. No... maybe it was because I was walking around with a broken heart for half of the semester, or that I was having to deal with friend or classmate drama for much of it. Maybe it was because I felt overscheduled or stressed with no real way to relieve it. I don't really know why; I just know it royally sucked.

Next semester has hope of being better.

Here is my class schedule:

Oboe

Symphonic Band

Cognitive Psychology

Physiological Psychology

Principles of Sociology

Senior Honors Seminar (because yes, I will be a senior next semester)

Stage Makeup

That's right. I'm taking Stage Makeup. Trace will be in there with me, so that'll be fun times.

As soon as next semester is over, I'm quitting everything except for band/oboe and maybe Laughing Stock. I have to. I've put in my time for many different groups, and I want to be able to take a step back my last year. I want to get a job, so I can start saving money for Florida.

This break, I will be reading and laughing and listening to good music and watching good movies.

It's going to be a time of renewal for me, and I am excited.

failure.

2008-12-10T09:50:00.002-06:00

When things like this happen, I admit I have trouble keeping my eye on the prize.

some things about me.

2008-12-09T02:09:00.004-06:00

Betimes I place myself in unneccessary predicaments, and I find myself wondering how I am supposed to get myself out of them.

I overthink things, overstress about things, and overanalyze my problems.

I worry too much about the thoughts and feelings of others without considering my own needs enough.

Often I allow myself to become unhappy, and I suffer through my self-imposed unhappiness in silence because I am ashamed or embarrassed.

I don't know if moving is going to help me get rid of these problems. Probably not. But I feel like moving could become a step toward resolving my issues with myself.

In the end, I just want to get away. To start clean and to explore my own potential. I know I can be better. It just feels like I have to get away from here to do it.

Worst skin ever.

2008-12-01T17:51:00.001-06:00

This week, I've gotten massive breakout-age… and I've no doubt it's from all the stress I'm putting myself through. I looked in the mirror after removing the witch's makeup for my Macbeth performance today, and winced at all the lurkers and ugly blemishes covering my face. You just can't hide all that. Today was the worst day of the week, I think... I mean, it was definitely the longest. I don't know what's going to happen officially later this week, but here's to hoping things aren't too crazy.

Here's what I have to do tonight:

Town Hall Meeting – mandatory for Honors Council members, so I'll be there.
Council meeting – following the Town Hall meeting will be the "hearing".
8 Government journals (for safety's sake. I need to get 8 done so I won't be overworked tomorrow).
Write up my part for the Artists' Statement – Honors project group
Start studying for Abnormal Psychology quiz

Ambiguous note of the evening: I am a little unnerved by something. Eh. I guess the topic of my French oral exam didn't help today. I'm just doing a lot of thinking.

Made 1^st chair oboe, Symphonic band. That's good, it's what I wanted. Not too much work, but I still get to play more. Perfect for me. Plus, I have Kort and Amy in there with me. I'm just sad that Laurel and Anna can't be in there with us, too. C'est trop dommage. L

I'm really just trying to make it to the end of this week. Next week shouldn't be too bad. But… yeah.

What did I even start out wanting to write? I'm digressing like crazy here.

I’m just bad news: 100th Entry

2008-11-24T20:05:00.003-06:00

Happy 100th entry, Blogger!

And boyo, do I have some awesome stuff to write for this one.

I'm going to start this off by saying I had a great weekend. For reeeeal. Laina, Jules, Bethany, and I all drove to Fort Smith on Friday afternoon. Her fam took us out to eat, and we went to see Twilight. Yeah, yeah, go ahead and judge, hahaha. We'd made a commitment to go, so I guess we had to. We got to the theater two hours early, though, so we were first in line. Def. It was pretty rad, because people would come in and stand behind us. …Well, it was pretty rad until these three bieyawcheng, peroxide-stained, leather-tanned girls line-jumped us. …I'm so serious. We were first in line, and they line-jumped us. How dumb can you be?? For real. We didn't say anything to them, but everyone in line behind us was getting pissed, too. Especially when the girls started complaining amongst themselves that there were some other people trying to line-jump them. Ugh. Idiots. We won out in the end, though. I'd been watching the ticket boy, and the second I saw his superior give him the green light to start taking Twilight tickets, I shoved Julie past the girls to the front again. Beth and Laina were pulled through the middle of the girls, which didn't please them at all. They spouted some snide remarks, to which we cheerfully cried "Thanks!" and ran away. Mature, I know, but what can you do? ;)

The movie was okay. Just that, okay. Julie put it well when she said it was the Reader's Digest version of the book. The colors and artistic aspects of the film were nice, but everything else was lackluster. I just hope they work a little harder to make the next movie more accessible as a movie and not a summary of what Meyer wrote. Just my opinion here, though.

On Saturday, we ate dinner in Rogers and shopped, then went to what was probably the best concert EVER. The Punch Brothers (featuring the late Nickel Creek's very own Chris Thile!) came to the Walton Arts Center in Fayetteville. I was practically bursting with excitement when we arrived, even despite the exceptionally disgusting Irish coffee I had at the Common Grounds coffeehouse beforehand.

The minute Chris and the rest of the band walked out on stage, we screamed and mad applause erupted… and Julie screamed, "I love your hair!" The little snot was loud enough for them to hear, hahaha. And Chris laughed and said he could sense sarcasm a mile away. We were tote serious, though. The violinist disputed that the comment was for Chris, of course. ;) It was pretty funny, and each time they came back on stage after breaks, a new person would yell that they loved Chris's hair. Ah, love. The concert was HAMAZING. The music was beautiful. Perfect. Chris's voice is every bit was gorgeous in person as it is on his recordings. And the rest of the band was incredibly talented. I was floored by the talent in the room.

After the concert, we got in line for autographs in the lobby, staying near the back. The amount of shaking I suffered was pretty much directly related to the proximity to Chris. I about died when I stepped up to the table, finally, and noticed his eyes were on me. "Hi…" I began. "My name is Bekah… um… and I have been a fan of your music for many years…" I lamely asked him to sign my CD booklet from his "How to Grow a Woman from the Ground" CD, and he obliged, writing "Thanks Bekah!" and signing. When Julie's turn came, however, she introduced herself as the girl who liked his hair. And got to run her fingers through it. His hair, I mean. AGHHH I died of jealousy right there, haha. She and the band seemed to be pretty buddy-buddy, and I was just basking in the proximity to one of my idols from waaaaaay back to junior high school.

Oh, and we managed a picture with Chris. Here y'are. I'm supposed to be getting two more from a very nice guy named John who took pictures of us with his own, much better, camera. I'll post those when I get them.

There's more stuff to say, but that stuff can wait 'til later. I'm just glad it's almost Thanksgiving! I get to see family (save a few, including my big brother *sigh*) and relax for a few days. ♥.

Later! -- Beks

a holiday for hanging.

2008-11-16T13:38:00.003-06:00

This weekend has been pretty amazing. I mean, freakish amounts of work aside, it's been pretty amazing. Friday night was dinner at Fuji's and the new James Bond movie. I even got flowers out of the deal. :) We came back and baked two pumpkin pies from scratch. Well, the filling was from scratch. The crusts tote weren't.

Saturday, I slept in until about 1:00pm. I didn't really get much accomplished except for painting my nails and finishing up my TAG proposal for the New York trip over Spring Break. I really hope I get a good chunk of the cost for that. It'd be so awesome to go!

I had my birthday dinner on Saturday night at Michaelangelo's. I spent too much money, but it was worth it. I had fettucini alfredo with penne pasta and shrimp and a Godiva Chocolate Martini. The latter was incredible, haha. It was like drinking chocolate milk, but with a bite. Definitely worth the $8.00 you have to pay for it. Laura and Ashley didn't get to make it to the dinner, so it was just Laina, Julie, Derrick, Trent, Joe, Alycia (whose birthday we were also sort of celebrating!), and Ryan. My beautiful friends bought me Season Two of Doctor Who! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Let the fangirl-dom ensue.

I've just got lots of work to do now. Two tests to study for, a research paper, an audition to prepare for, a jury piece to work on, and two group projects to help organize. Not too stressed, am I? Oh, and about fifty bajillion government journals I'm behind on. WAHHHH.

Happy 21st.

2008-11-12T08:57:00.003-06:00

Even though my 21st birthday royally sucked, I've come to realize I still have friends who love and care about me. So I guess things will be okay.

salut? salut. mes courses.

2008-11-10T22:30:00.003-06:00

My schedule for next semester is set:

Oboe Lesson (1 hr)
Symphonic Band (1 hr, though we rehearse 3 hours a week)
Cognitive Psychology (3 hrs)
Physiological Psychology (3 hrs)
Principles of Sociology (3 hrs)
Senior Seminar: Issues in Global Economics and Environment (3 hrs)
Stage Makeup (3 hrs)

It should be an interesting semester... technically I'll be a senior (hence the senior seminar). I'll be spending a lot of time in Snow and Mashburn. Wahh... not look forward to all the upper division classes. With luck, Stage Makeup will be the escape I hope it's going to be!

Joe, I'm gonna miss you next semester. :( Don't forget about us. ♥.

funny men.

2008-11-10T11:40:00.003-06:00

I'm sitting in the Forum at the moment... I had to finish a government paper, and now I need to run over to Snow Fine Arts to (a) listen to a Paradise Lost reading, and (b) practice for my lesson. GEEZ I have too much to do. I have to memorize my harmonic scales, practice for an audition later this week, and rehearse with my jury accompanist. That's just for band, I'm afraid... I've got loads else to do. Tomorrow's my birthday, but I'm willing to post-pone the excitement for the weekend. It just doesn't feel like I'm 21 anyway.

Alli came and showed me her mock Watchmen trailer for Laughing Stock. We filmed it last night. AHHHH it looks awesome! Definitely cool. I'll post a youtube link once she uploads it to the site.

I hope you meet someone your height so you can see eye to eye with someone as small as you.

2008-11-05T09:16:00.005-06:00

It's amazing how petty some people can be. A former friend who spread some nasty rumors about me in middle school, blaming them on one of our friends, indirectly attacked me last night after I replied to a mean status she had posted on FB in reaction to Obama's election.

She deleted my "Wow, **** (her name)." comment and wrote the last update. Pretty silly. I thought we were out of high school. I probably should have resisted, but I sent her a message telling her I respected her political views, but I didn't appreciate the alienating comment. She blew up, went full-on defensive, trying to start up a who's-the-better-person match and saying I personally insulted her by writing that on her wall.

I didn't know "wow" was so insulting.

Anyway, I replied with a concilatory, but firm statement of why I said what I did, why what I said wasn't an insult, told her that whatever personal differences we might have had nothing to do with my comments, and then said I was leaving it at that.

She told me to stop trying. So I deleted her, no big deal. I knew it wasn't going to end well, but still. It just pisses me off when people are so stupid. When indoctrination and personal beliefs get in the way of being an actual human being. When people who label themselves as religious examples in whatever manner lash out with nasty comments and hateful retorts. Those people I cannot abide.

A Moment in History

2008-11-04T22:41:00.007-06:00

You know what pisses me off? People who are being douchebags about the whole election. People I love and have a lot of respect for are stooping to act like idiots, showing gross negativity toward our next president and the election results. Americans should be looking forward and standing together... regardless of which figure the people voted into office.

Quotes like these:

___________ is AWAITING 2012 IF we make it there without the poor taking over! Goodbye AMERICA, yes that will probably be taken away too.

________________ is thinking that the free world that our citizens have fought to keep is coming to an end.

________________ is upset--- USA has a president by the name of Barak Hussein Obama! That ain't right!

________________ is ready to go on a 4 year vacation to another country...

________________ is glad her real citizenship lies in heaven...

________________ is crying.

________________ hopes all you people who voted for Obama because is was the cool thing to do are happy, as for those who think for themselves I feel your pain...

________________ thinks this country just made the worst decision of its life...at least now the Dems can't blame Republicans when it all goes down the drain...

The list continues on.

I just hope these people can heal the rifts they're creating by degrading and ignorant words.

And me... I'm only happy the election is over, and we can get on with our lives.

So congratulations, President Obama. McCain, you have my respect.

UPDATE: Pettiness reached a whole new level when the girl who spread rumors about me in middle school indirectly attacked me via status update. Will write more on this later.

sometimes my mind don't shake and shiver, but most of the time it does.

2008-11-02T23:06:00.006-06:00

I find myself forgetting about things more and more easily these days. You know, things I ought to be doing. Journals for government and Honors, for example. Studying for tests. Practicing for lessons or upcoming auditions. Preparing for upcoming events. Organizing for group meetings I'm supposed to contribute to or lead. As my time here at UCA runs shorter (just a little over a year left), my motivation to keep up morale has waned more and more. All I can see these days is beyond. I find myself planning for things that haven't even begun to happen. Trying to find affordable apartments in Fort Lauderdale, New York, Atlanta. Looking up job opportunities for makeup artists in those respective areas. Looking for makeup jobs here in Conway or in Little Rock for in the meantime...

Katie, my high school bestie, got engaged last week. It's strange thinking of any of my close high school friends being engaged. I guess I partially imagined we would all be the way we always were until we were out of college and established (what does that even mean?) in the world. How silly of me to be so naive! I leave and come back to find Katie in love and engaged to a good guy. And I'm so happy for her. Plus, I get to be her maid-of-honor, which means I get to help her plan the wedding, something I love thinking about. But some part of me-- the overthinking part, mind you-- can't help but pretend I'm planning my own wedding as I flip through bridal magazines and surf accompanying websites. Some part of me wishes it was mine.

Ah, me. :) I envy Katie her happiness. I hope she knows how lucky she is.

Not that the path I've chosen is less worthy or anything; I'm not knocking it at all. I know where I want to be and how I want to get there... and I know it's possible. I'm not deluded enough to expect to be the next Carmindy or a winner on Blush: The Search for the Next Great Makeup Artist, but I can dream. And someday, somewhere, I'll have a husband and a family and a place of my own.

It's just the getting there that can become a little arduous.

Signing out to try to get some homework done--

Bekah.

J-j-j-jaded...

2008-10-27T20:54:00.003-05:00

Yeah... so we had a shooting at our school last night. It's really bizarre to think that something like that could happen here in "quaint" little Conway. Even more bizarre to imagine two people were hurt and killed at a place I pass by daily. It's an alleyway between one of the older dorms and the fine arts center. I cut through there to shave some time from my morning pedestrian commute to class on the other end of campus. My friends and I call it the "Rape Cave"... mostly because it's dark and kind of shady-looking. How ironic the shooting happened there. Two boys were shot and killed, both UCA students, a third (nonstudent) merely injured and still alive. There's been talk the incident was gang-related, and that's entirely possible. We don't think it was random. It was a driveby shooting, not a mentally unstable kid coming into class with a handgun.

I don't know how to feel about the situation, honestly. I found out last night not long after we heard all the sirens... Laina and Julie and I were watching Poltergeist when Drew Branscum sent me a text message to stay inside with the doors locked, that there was a shooting on campus. We hunkered down and began spreading our own word to friends and family. Whatever you may hear on the news about us getting an alert about the situation before 10pm is a lie. The incident happened around 9:15pm, but we weren't sent emergency emails until after 10pm. Mine came in at about 10:20pm. The UCAPD Website and the Emergency Hotline also failed to supply warnings/alerts until about that time or later. There is considerable unrest on campus about the complete lack of information students were supplied last night. Some didn't even know about it except through Facebook status updates. I wouldn't have known about it until our RA came to talk to us after 10pm if Drew hadn't texted me.

I guess the bottom line is that while I'm fine and my friends are fine, we're all a little unnerved about the way things were handled. My heart breaks for the students' families that now suffer the loss of their sons and brothers. My heart is also breaking for this school, that I love. It will recover, but at this point, I just don't know how.

Jaded,

Bekah.

alive.

2008-10-23T05:43:00.003-05:00

So, as usual I'm crazy stressed out, but again-- that's usual.

I lost my iPod, and my computer's about to call it quits. It's either a really invasive virus that affects my browser, or my hard drive is about to melt. Either way, I ended up just ordering another hard drive. I can't afford a new computer right now, so a new HDD should hopefully tide me over until I can get a refurbished Macbook next summer. Cross your fingers! The good news is the company I bought it from on eBay was SUPER prompt about sending it. They shipped it the next day, so it should arrive in Jonesboro next week! I won't be without a working computer for long. Thank. Elua.

All the stress aside, I'm leaving today for San Antonio. It should be a pretty fun trip, I'm excited about going. I guess a good thing about being over-involved (with Honors) is people take notice sometimes. And I get a break like this.

Sweeeeeeeet.

Anywho. I'll be back the wee hours of Sunday morning. Cheers.

ily.

Beks!

More Adventurous

2008-10-18T11:49:00.003-05:00

Well, my break has been interesting so far, to say the least.

I broke it off with my not-b/f on Wednesday night...

Sunday morning I got up early and drove to downtown Little Rock for an AASIS training class.

I ate cheap sushi with my impromptu class friend, Sarah.

I passed my AASIS class with a 100 on my test.

I drove home (to Jonesboro).

I went to visit Evan (and friends) at his house, and took comfort in being around friends.

I had lunch with Katie and laughed a lot.

I had an awkward visit with Brian, which included watching Aeon Flux in complete silence.

Got invited to a birthday party for a guy friend of Katie's and her boyfriend's, for the sole reason that I am a friend, as well as single and female.

Though the night started out awkwardly, I ended up having fun at the party.

Apparently I am "hot," but I agree with Carl (another friend/party-goer) on the subject of the shy birthday kid (and yeah, not really a kid):

Yeah, it wouldn't work out.

Like I said, I'm just taking comfort from being around friends.

I got home past three, near to four last night.

I'm about to jump in the shower.

Evan will be here in two hours to pick me up and take me to where he and his friends are camping out.

:) I'm looking forward to it.

Still haven't gotten any work done... Maybe I ought to take my French or something to the camp tonight to work on it.

Anywho... I hope Joe's having fun out of state, and I hope Julie and Laina are having fun with their fams. Btw, Julie, I introduced my mom to la musique de Rilo Kiley. She really likes her! :)

Off to shower. Update later? Perhaps.

The Lone...Dalek?

2008-10-14T01:31:00.003-05:00

I'm debating whether I want to stay up and study for a test I have tomorrow at 6, or sleep now. I think sleep may just win out. I've been sleep deprived for the past couple of weeks, probably the past month. Tonight should be the last late night for the rest of the week, I think. I'm terribly thankful for that...

I totally made a reference to Doctor Who in my Honors journal tonight. Yeah, I'm just that cool. Or obsessed. I really hope I get at least some Doctor Who for my birthday this year. I'm quite deprived. :/

Okay.

I thought I had something to say, and now I can't remember what it was.

Maybe later.

kthxluvubai.

It's not as if the sun won't shine when clouds above wash the blues away.

2008-10-07T17:29:00.006-05:00

Like Julie, and probably every other student at UCA today, I'm coming to the realization that this week (and a half) bites. And not in a good way. I'm trying to stay on top of things and not get too stressed, but it's right on the edge of things... An annoying little itch that tells me everything could fall apart on a pindrop.

I joined a pretty tough quintet yesterday on a favor for a friend, and I'm regretting it already. My first rehearsal with them is tomorrow, and I'm not ready for it-- I just got the music yesterday. Our competition is on November 1st. Death, anyone? Haha. Lucky for me, though, this means I won't have to do a jury this year. But it doesn't mean I don't have to start practicing harmonic scales for spring tryouts. :/ Sigh.

I've also got a painful talk in my near future. I'm walking around in a haze when I'm alone, kind of denying that it's happening. I don't want it to happen. I resent that it has to. Again: sigh. Of course.

There are some things I'm looking forward to in the near future, though. I'm going home next week, on Thursday. I'll be there for a few days, catching up on sleep, spending time with my mom, Evan, Amy, maybe Katie, and whoever else. Probably having an awkward encounter with Brian, too. Awkward? Awkward. And a week later, I'm going on an all-expenses-paid road trip with Phil and Rick (awkward? awkward.) of the Honors College and a few other students to the annual National Collegiate Honors Council in San Antonio. Just about two weeks after that is Family Day (my mom will be in attendance!), my 21st birthday, and all sorts of wackiness.

For now, however, all hail the season of midterms. Let's sigh for a third time. Sigh. Amen.

My animal is the koala.

2008-10-02T23:55:00.007-05:00

It's getting easier to deal with being alone when I shouldn't be (if that makes any sense). A couple of weeks ago, I was an absolute mess. I guess it's just when... when your heart breaks and rebreaks a hundred thousand times over things you can't really deal with openly, self-preservation can't help but kick in. I tried for a long time to make this one different, to keep myself from putting distance between us like I always seem to do. And for a long time, I did pretty well. But the insecurity and unease was eating me away with about the same effects as hydrofluoric acid. In short: painful. So... it really just fills me with this horrible, heart-sinking sadness, now that I know things have probably passed the point of no return. I had such high hopes... I thought I'd really encountered someone who could get me.

Aie, me. I'm just so tired. Batter up?... I think I'm going to sit this one out.

It's all the same.

2008-10-02T00:57:00.003-05:00

I've talked to an ex-friend of mine from high school a few times since coming back to school this semester.

It's an odd situation to find myself in, falling back into the old patterns of give-and-take teasing with him. In some ways, when I talk to him, it's as if nothing's changed. We might as well be back in 2005. In this manner, I realize how easy it would be to let myself be taken in by nostalgia. It happened before. It's in danger of happening now.

Of course, I'm much stronger now than I was two years ago, and the mistakes I made then were made by someone less secure about her own identity. So when I told him I would go see him when I came home in a few weeks, I did so knowing I would be able to take care of myself. And I will be. I am an infinitely different person now than I was when I last spent alone-time with him. It'll be pretty apparent. He, on the other hand, doesn't appear to have changed much at all in the past two years, which is rather sad.

Anyway... I just wanted to write something about that. I'm feeling pretty ambivalent about coming face-to-face with him again, especially given some of the stuff he's said to me. He acts as if nothing happened before, which will have to stop. We never actually had an opportunity to resolve the issue. Not that I really want to talk about it anymore. Elua save me, all I need is to start that drama up again. I just want it to be understood that I will not be falling into the same patterns as before.

I am not his toy friend anymore, nor am I easy (contrary to what his ex-girlfriend tried to portray me as, evidently). That needs to be clearly understood.

The Love of a Mother II (fin)

2008-09-28T22:23:00.002-05:00

“...Know you my son, Eoin?” When the girl nodded, Aoife’s ghost continued. “I have seen him here, and I have seen the way my husband’s parents treat him. My daughter sends for him even now, but you must do me one great favor. Spread word among the townsfolk that my husband’s parents are cruel, mean people, and let them know that they are not fit to raise their grandson. A time will come when he will need the support of the town to lift him out of that pit.”

“I will do so,” said Bridget with a little bow of her head.

Satisfied, Aoife’s ghost moved on to see her son.

Eoin, still quite young, suffered regular beatings under the hand of his grandfather. That particular evening, he was lying awake in bed, weeping over his bruises, when the ghost of his mother appeared. He nearly cried out in fright and roused his grandparents when he saw her, but her greeting was gentle, and finally he fell into her loving embrace.

“Don’t cry, my brave boy,” said Aoife in a tender, sad voice. “Your sister, Liadan, is sending for you as we speak, and I will return to you every night until you go to her.”

After that, Eoin was able to bear the hardships of living under his cruel grandparents’ roof with more patience. In town, rumors were circulating about Daniel O’Flaherty’s parents’ sins, and when the letter arrived from Liadan in America, ill will was rising against Eoin’s harsh, unyielding caretakers.

Reading the letter, the grandparents were loathe to let go of their good-for-nothing grandson, whom they had treated as little more than a servant over the past year. Perhaps they could act as if they had not received the letter at all.

Luckily for Eoin, the ghost of Aoife had anticipated this, being clever even in death. When Eoin overheard his grandmother’s shrill, unpleasant voice talking about how they would deceive their grandson, he did as his dead mother bid him and found Bridget in town. He told her of his grandparents’ latest wickedness, and she went straight to work.

Later that day, when Eoin was washing dishes from the midday meal, there came a knock on the door.

“Get the door, boy,” Eoin’s grandfather ordered. Drying his hands on his shirt, Eoin crossed the room and did as he was told. As soon as he saw what waited outside, a grin broke like dawn across his young face, and he turned to his grandfather. “Grandda, it’s for you,” Eoin told him and took a step away. His grandfather grumbled and pulled himself out of his chair to meander over to the door.

Eoin’s grandmother appeared from the hallway at that moment with an odd expression on her face. “I hear a commotion outside, Seamus, what is—” She never finished her sentence. The sight of at least half the townspeople gathered outside their front door had shocked her speechless. Bridget had done well; she stood beside the mayor, who wore a very stern expression on his wizened, bearded face.

“Seamus and Agnes O’Flaherty, get out here so that we might address you in open air, under the sight of God,” the mayor commanded severely, and Eoin followed his grandparents outside. “Today the mailman delivered you a letter from Liadan, your granddaughter, did he not?” When the O’Flaherty’s began to protest, the mayor cut them off instead by addressing Eoin. “Eoin, boy, come here. Let me see your arms.” The mayor examined the boy’s arms, then his back, and tutted unhappily. “See this?” He indicated to the others with him the bruises on Eoin’s body, and there were angry murmurs. The O’Flaherty’s looked around nervously.

“Eoin falls a lot, clumsy boy…” Seamus O’Flaherty’s explanation only made the crowd angrier, for Eoin had a sweet disposition like his mother and was well-liked among the townspeople.

“You have treated this boy with cruelty, but no longer. We know Liadan O’Flaherty has asked for her brother to join her. You will let Eoin go to her immediately, or suffer the judgment of the entire town.” The mayor’s words left no room for argument, nor did the expression on the townspeople’s faces. For the first time since his mother and sister had left, Eoin’s heart was filled to bursting with happiness.

No one saw the ghost of Aoife O’Flaherty after that, not even her children. Some weeks later, Eoin was reunited with his sister in Chicago. Liadan had bought a small flat in town since their mother’s death, and she welcomed her little brother into their new home whole-heartedly. They lived together in happiness for several years, and even after the two of them separated and moved on to families of their own, they forever honored the memory of their mother, who cared for her children even after her death.

As for the remaining, wicked O’Flaherty’s of Ireland, they left town not long after their public disgrace. No one there would associate with them, so they sold their land to the first bidder and left Kinsale, never to be seen again.

Julie and Bekah's Infinite Playlist

2008-09-27T01:47:00.003-05:00

When I got back from watching The Pillowman in Little Rock with Patrick, Natalie, and Beth, Julie and I went to Walmart to get a couple of things. It was about midnight already when we left. Some pretty amusing stuff happened.

1. We bought some shady stuff.

2. We saw fog and followed it.

3. We got in a dragrace with a guy in a black car with tinted windows. Julie shrugged visibly at him, then waved during our second pass. I think he was trying to show off.

4. We outran the campus police. ...I was speeding a little down Farris, and we passed a cop car going the opposite direction. He turned his lights on not long after we passed him, and Julie and I, freaking out, pulled quickly in the parking lot and ducked, for fear that the car was turning around. We got to the dorm unscathed.

I ate at Vino's before the play tonight-- excellent food! Then we went to the play across the street at the Weekend Theater. The rendition was pretty decent! I was impressed. Good acting, given the circumstances. They done McDonagh good! (pun tote intended). After the play, we went to Barnes & Noble/Starbucks, got some dessert and coffee, perused and bought some books, and then accompanied B-e-t-h to the liquor store so she could buy some cider.

All in all, a good day. :)

The Love of a Mother I

2008-09-26T00:01:00.003-05:00

I decided to start posting the two stories I wrote in Ireland this year. The first I'm posting is a ghost story, called "The Love of a Mother," which is a rewrite of a tale about Mary Shea, called "The Dead Mother," which I found in Jeremiah Curtin's Irish Tales of the Fairies and the Ghost World. So, without further ado, here is part one of "The Love of a Mother".

The Love of a Mother

By Bekah Baugh

Daniel O’Flaherty married Aoife against his parents’ wishes. A placid, kindhearted creature with apple-red cheeks and strawberry-blonde hair, Aoife was well-loved by everyone save Daniel’s mother and father, who were formidable, cold people. She made a home with her husband and two children, Liadan and Eoin, in Kinsale. They had a modest house with a red door and green window boxes overlooking a lake on the far end of town. Liadan was already a young woman, and Eoin was seven and full of innocent life. Love thrived in the O’Flaherty home, and theirs was a happy existence.

Until, that is, Daniel fell. He and Aoife were out for an evening walk when his foot slipped. Their position was precarious, and before Aoife could react, Daniel fell to his death into a rocky ravine. Naturally, Daniel’s mother and father blamed their daughter-in-law for their son’s death, and Aoife was stricken with grief. Aoife was a gentle woman, and her heart ached that her in-laws suspected her.

The tension between Aoife and her in-laws grew until at last she told them, exhausted and heartsick, that she would leave Kinsale to make a new home in America with her children, if only the in-laws would provide the money for the trip. In return, Aoife would gladly grant them the parcel of land she still kept. The in-laws, being an altogether greedy couple, agreed and scrounged up as much money as they could. In the end, though, they could only come up with enough money to send Aoife and Liadan across the ocean. So with a promise to soon send for her son, Aoife took her daughter with her and boarded a ship for a new home and a new life.

For about a year, Aoife and Liadan took jobs as governess and nanny for a family in Chicago. She and Liadan did well for themselves, and they soon had saved up a considerable amount of money. Eoin would not be with his grandparents much longer. But before she could call her son to her, Aoife contracted a fever and died. Liadan was just old enough to claim independence, being the eldest of Aoife’s children, and so she used the money she and her mother had saved up and sent for her little brother in Ireland.

Two weeks after Aoife’s death, a girl was walking back to Kinsale from a visit to an aunt nearby. It was evening, and the smell of summer-warmed wildflowers hung lazily in the air. The girl, whose name was Bridget, turned a corner and came across the ghost of a woman standing in the road. The woman’s hair, a pale gold in death, wafted about her in shimmering strands. Every part of her gleamed, and it seemed to Bridget the figure before her was not a threatening apparition.

“Evening, mum. Who are you, and why are you wandering?” Bridget asked her, unafraid.

“My name is Aoife O’Flaherty. Do you know me?”

“You were Daniel O’Flaherty’s widow, were you not?” The girl eyed Aoife’s glimmering figure speculatively.

“Yes, I was indeed. You need not fear me. I’ll do you no harm… Know you my son, Eoin?” When the girl nodded, Aoife’s ghost continued. “I have seen him here, and I have seen the way my husband’s parents treat him. My daughter sends for him even now, but you must do me one great favor. Spread word among the townsfolk that my husband’s parents are cruel, mean people, and let them know that they are not fit to raise their grandson. A time will come when he will need the support of the town to lift him out of that pit.”

“I will do so,” said Bridget with a little bow of her head.

Satisfied, Aoife's ghost moved on to see her son.

The Halloween Lineup

2008-09-23T00:17:00.010-05:00

The lineup for my Halloween costume this year has really turned into just that: a lineup.

1. Rose Tyler, either from "The Stolen Earth" or "Doomsday"

2. Jem and the Holograms. At this point, I'm really not all that sure which one of the four I was supposed to be... Probably either the blue-haired or the purple-haired one. This one, I'd be with Laura, Flora, and Amber.

3. Bella Swan. I know, I KNOW. Don't judge me, you weirdos lol. My friend Trent asked me if I would be Bella so he could be Edward for Halloween. This may or may not happen, but if it does, I can assuredly say it'd be my easiest costume ever. I wouldn't really have to do anything, lol.

4. The Andrews Sisters. This was Julie's idea... prolly won't happen because of costuming issues, but we thought it'd be fun for Laina, Julie, and me. :)

Was he with you at the railway?

2008-09-22T23:38:00.003-05:00

Finally I get to write about something other than being unhappy! Today was super busy, but all-in-all? Pretty great.

Classes went well. I was a little scared in my US Gov & Politics class when we got our tests back from last week. I got a much lower grade than I had expected to get, but when we went over the answers in class (without the Scantron sheets, though), I noticed that I'd only missed one question (we were told to circle our answers on our test papers the day of the test, so we'd be able to know which questions we'd missed). So I spoke to the professor after class, and he checked up on it. Turns out I was right-- thank goodness. So my grade is still safe.

Also, I'd given my [beautiful] oboe to Dr. Duso last Friday to take to a guy in Hot Springs to be worked on this weekend. I've been having a few problems with getting my low register to speak, as well as my Bb key sticking occasionally. I was delighted to get my horn back today repaired and sounding like new. It has a completely different personality now, would you believe it? Definitely darker, smoother, more confident. I. Loves. It. Dr. Duso told me to tell her if I ever wanted to sell it. :p I don't know if that'll ever happen. I love my Lorelei too much.

Might have picked up another gig, too, playing the Messiah in Pine Bluff in December... the day after my already scheduled gig in Blytheville! I'd be traveling a lot that weekend, but I think it'd be awfully fun. Plus, Andrew said they might pay for a hotel for me in Blytheville if I took on the job. We'll see.

I suppose that's it for the day. Just wanted you guys to know I'm not all doom-and-gloom. Just really had an off-time this weekend. I'm trying to push through all that. :)

the day.

2008-09-20T23:12:00.003-05:00

Though the first part of the day was filled with absolutely nothing, I'm happy to say the second part was a lot better. When Julie got home, she and I went to Chic-Fil-A... then went to Target. Where Julie and I proceeded to acquire some pretty awesome merchandise.

Me:

The Timeless Sound of Big Band Swing

To Catch a Thief

Soft-Bake sugar cookies

Makeup remover pads

Julie:

1983: Class Reunion

Newman-Os (Hint o' Mint)

Fig-Newmans

a John Candy 3-movie DVD (yep...)

After we left, Julie and I went cruising, windows down, 80's music blasting, dancing like fools. It definitely made the day better. We joined Lains and "Aarbear" to watch The Village and, of course, enjoyed making fun of it. So while I may have been less than happy that I didn't get a call or anything today... I'm okay. Really, I am.

I love my friends.

a bunch of jibberish.

2008-09-19T21:38:00.004-05:00

It's really hard to be taken seriously. After all, what right have I to get upset when I'm not even "pinned" or anything? It's stupid. But, you know, whatever. UGH, I don't deserve this... Sometimes I consider just stopping and giving up. It might be easier in the longrun... But Elua help me, I just can't do that. I can't.

That which I wished for at Blarney, I got... albeit imperfectly.

And what a fool it's made me!

Ah well, at least I have good friends to keep me company. ♥.

Peeved. Srsly.

2008-09-15T13:00:00.003-05:00

Dear Blogger,

Yeah, the Pontiac got towed, and I have to pay $350+ because I just found out about it. And my mom is pissed. It's pretty shiny to get blamed for stuff I didn't know about. Gawww. Because my aunt told me I could bring it to that lot-- didn't know they were going to tow it.

Pardon me while I go wallow a bit. It's not been my week.

Sincerely,

Me.

don't you forget about me.

2008-09-14T21:09:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I feel like my life'll never get started.

Watched P.S. I Love You tonight, and probably shouldn't have.

Now I'm listening to The Wailin' Jennys on Pandora.

I probably should be studying for Abnormal Psych or Government, but I'm feeling really apathetic.

My head cold has traveled to my lungs, so I've been hacking and wheezing like a big grosslie all weekend. I'm sure my roommates appreciate that lots. :p

I suppose what I'll do now is try to clean my room up some for the week ahead, bag up my trash (both literal and metaphorical), and try to read up for my classes tomorrow before I go to bed. Couldn't hurt.

Alms, alms, for a miserable woman...

2008-09-13T12:19:00.002-05:00

Dear Blogger,

I've got the best friends anyone could ask for.

Sincerely,

Me.

Always and always.

2008-09-08T20:24:00.003-05:00

First illness of the year, one to be treated with vast amounts of juice, little round red pills, and chagrined patience. I hope it clears up quickly. I'm not pleased!

Other than that mess, I'm doing a lot better this week than I was last week. The sunny days have helped, and I've got a likewise sunnier disposition at the moment. I saw Geoff twice this weekend, spent way too much money out shopping with Julie, Monique, and Jessica, took Julie to church with me and let my church families buy us lunch, and got to have a smoothie and catch up with Ryan. In all, a good weekend.

Finished Kushiel's Mercy. I'm sad to see it done, but Elua, it was good. Sooooo good.

Sigh.

And now on to my Honors reading. Seriously. There isn't a comparison.

Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?

2008-09-04T16:54:00.005-05:00

It's been a restive day. Our fire alarm went off at about 7:45 this morning, and I doubt if anyone really paid attention to it. There was no way I was getting out of bed 15 minutes ahead of schedule to go stand outside in the rain (if it was indeed raining-- I assumed so after our monsoon yesterday).

I got my excess aid check today and found it to be relievingly true to past numbers. I should never pay attention to what those bills tell me a month before school, because they're never right. This year they said I'd be losing about $900 a semester, and I was distressed because I live off of that money year-round. Thankfully though, nem igaz.

Lunch with Laina and a psychology club meeting. I came back to the room wanting to do something and feeling a little lonely, eventually falling asleep on the couch. I think I napped for about 2 hours, and I feel much more rested now, but still. There was stuff I wanted to get done today. Deposit my check and acquire my other bookshelf from Fran's house, among other things. Ah, well. I've got to finish up my French homework and that Government journal tonight, too... and Julie, Laina, and I are going to see a movie in Little Rock at some point. Maybe going to Pancake Night at Laurel's afterward. It's supposed to be a busy night, but in all complete honesty, there's really just one thing I wish I could be doing right now.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me these days. I seriously don't mean to be so moody, or whatever I've been. I hate myself when I'm in a depressed mood. I don't like to be down or pessimistic. It goes against my nature. I've been thinking a lot about it today and decided that maybe it's because I lack security in some points in my life at the moment, and that's causing me a lot of stress. Making me anxious. Making me second-guess myself when normally I would be sure. Aïe, me. Je ne sais pas. C'est trop dommage, n'est pas? Je ne veux pas être triste mais je ne sais pas ce que je peux faire. Heh, get that French lesson in there.

On a lighter note, I've recently become a fan of Mute Math. I don't know why it's taken me so long to figure out how much I enjoy their music. Crazy me.

Complainte.

2008-09-04T08:57:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I have dreams that set the mood for the entire day, and that can be frustrating. What if I don't want to be depressed all day? Wishing doesn't often help much, though. Eh. So much for that.

There's something about Irish rain.

2008-09-03T20:35:00.003-05:00

There's something about Irish rain. It isn't like Arkansan rain. See, in Arkansas, we learn to fear the rain. Rain is malevolent, hurtful. Rain in Arkansas is something to be wary of. It brings floods and lightning and fearsome storms.

Where Arkansan rain is death, Irish rain is life.

It is a misting, a gentling, a soft hand caressing the face. Though it can be a nuisance, I've never once feared the rain here in Ireland. It's a benevolent presence, making green everything it touches. In and under Irish rain, I am taken in. Absorbed. I am one with my heart, with my hopes and desires.

Irish rain inspires me. It inspires pensive thoughts, gentleness, peacefulness, nonviolence. Irish rain is the love in my heart, unrequited and sleeping. Dormant. It softens the earth. Irish rain is mystical. Walking through it is like walking through a dream. Vision is mellowed. Everything smells clean.

When I live in Arkansas, I don't particularly like the rain.

In Ireland I love it.

I wrote that in my journal less than two months ago.

...

And oh, how I wish the rain here were more like Irish rain.

I. Hate. Arkansan. Rain.

Wahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

there's a kind of emptiness that can fill you.

2008-09-01T20:27:00.003-05:00

Dear Blogger,

Sometimes I hate myself for my own insecurities because they are just that: insecurities. They're stupid. More often than not, they're unfounded. Can't help it, though. It's just me.

Anyway, I ended up having a good weekend at home. It was good to be with my mom. My aunt Kathy, Mom, and I went to O'Charley's for lunch after church on Sunday-- excellent food always. Always and always. (sigh.) After a nap, I hung out with Amy's fam Sunday night. We ate at Zaxby's (that's right, Julie. Yummm). Matt was being a sweet li'l brother (little only by name, as he's about a foot taller than I am, the giant kid lol) and keeping me warm. I miss that family awfully. I wish we lived closer together.

Amy and I "girl-talked" for a while before Matt interrupted us, and we all hung out for a bit before they drove me home. Today... was really just me reading and packing up. I was planning on seeing Geoff this afternoon, but plans often don't pan out. Ryle hira! So here I am back at the dorm. Jules and Lains are playing Lord of the Rings in the living room. :) Ah, roommate bonding. I think I'm going to get a quick shower before finishing up my honors homework. I feel like a big grosslie.

btw, my room is finally a little homier. I brought my bookshelf, more pillows, a few paintings, a chair, and a lamp. Finally starting to feel like my room. S'about time, too.

Elua hold you in his hands,
Beks

again, again, again, again, again.

2008-08-27T23:07:00.002-05:00

Dear Blogger,
Not even a full week into school, and I'm already stressed to the point of tears.
It's not supposed to be that way.
Sincerely,
Me.

so why don't you slide?

2008-08-24T22:10:00.007-05:00

Julie and I got in some good bonding time tonight. :p We were going to eat at Chic-Fil-A, and, um, it was tote closed. Duh, guys. It's a Sunday. So we went to Chili's next door instead. Yum. We split a combo of lime and pepper shrimp and margarita chicken. Very good stuff, yo.

Once again, I bought makeup today that I did not need, and yet wanted pretty badly. Story of my life. And my pocketbook.

I've been pretty worried about Geoff lately, and if he reads this, then meh! He's not been very assertive about seeing the doctor about his headaches, and I'm worried it's something more than just an ear infection... since his medicine doesn't really seem to be working its usual magic. If he doesn't get it taken care of, I might have to turn into Mom-Bekah and drag him to a doctor. He was a real sweetheart last night/this morning, though, and it might be a little too gushy to put this on my blog. Eh... read on at your own risk.

Managed to have a nightmare last night. This time it was a semi-apocalyptic type dream... fireballs raining out of the sky, destroying homes, buildings, lives, etc. People screaming, death everywhere, mayhem, mass destruction. That whole bit. It was disturbing enough to be able to wake myself up... but unfortunately it was also one of those dreams that grabs hold and doesn't let go. Whenever I'd fall back asleep, it'd pick back up where it left off, so I'd have to wake myself up again. I ended up texting Geoff, not really wanting to call and wake him up... and was pleasantly surprised he replied almost immediately. It was pretty much wee morning hours... and I think he was up because of his headache. But he stayed up with me and talked to me to make sure I was okay. Sweet boy.

Classes this semester are going to be okay, I think. MWF are freakishly busy, though... and I'm going to be working in Little Rock TTh. Only about 9 hours a week, unfortunately. Eh. Take out taxes from that, and it's not a very impressive paycheck. Laughing Stock will be fun this year, I think. I'm going to enjoy heading it up with Sam, who seems to have some great ideas for the leadership. I really don't have much to contribute to the team, in the end... just makeup and organizational skills. And all the encouragement and cheerfulness in the world. And networking. Smiling face. S'all we need, right? I hope so. I don't want to appear to be doing nothing. We'll see what we can get goin'.

Ack. First Farris Hall fire alarm of the year. Those alarms are seriously not cool. They will make us all deaf. Dumb idiots who designed those should be put in a small room with four of those, one on each wall, for five minutes. See how much they like it! Hmph.

Alright. It's bedtime. I've gotta get up early to go to the UCA PD to acquire a parking sticker (I was, sadly, remiss this year. ugh). Ciao.

your turn at bat, sir.

2008-08-16T23:20:00.008-05:00

I spent too much money on a docking station/alarm clock for my iPod tonight...

It probably wasn't wise for me to spend the money, but I've been wanting a docking station for ages now, since my old one went kaput on me.

This is the one I was wanting...

But, you know, I should've just splurged $10 more and gotten the iHome... it's a little prettier than the Jensen. :p

Anyway. I'm back in the dorm now. Ugh. Haha... I'm a little sad about it, and I'm a little sad that I'm sad about it, too. A little school-weary, I guess. This summer's experience with "classes" kinda burned me out. And I guess I've been feeling a little weird this week. Yesterday I moped around a bit (okay, never mind, pretty much the entire day). It was a slow day at work, and very quiet, and for some reason it really got to me. I got depressed, and not even just because of the prospect of moving back to school. There must have been something else bugging me, but I honestly can't figure out what. Maybe giving blood and being bone-tired just made me more susceptible to moodiness. Or maybe it's just me being moody. That doesn't happen very often, thankfully, so I wasn't too worried about it.

After buying those Punch Brothers tickets, I realized I had none of their music. So I downloaded some last night. Lovely, lovely music. I don't think we'll be disappointed at all.

Tomorrow my roommates (and the rest of the world) move in. It'll be nice to see everyone again, admittedly. I've missed them. I got to see Laina today, as I told her she could drop her stuff off at the room so she didn't have to haul it in tomorrow. Her hair is longer!!! Craziness.

Hok. I'm done.
I need foods. Like whoa.
Kkbai, Bekah.

Carry this picture for luck.

2008-08-14T09:10:00.005-05:00

A month into the job, and I've already found myself in a potentially stressful position where my future is not quite my own. The new major pulled me into his office yesterday and more or less asked me to act as his personal assistant when I was here during school. I told him I'd be happy to, but he wanted me to move offices.

Aie, me... I kind of told him I wanted to stay here in my second new office (I've moved twice in the past week), but after talking to Mark this morning, I don't know if that's such a good idea. He said that... if I stuck with this new job as secretary/staff for the new major, it could build into a really good job for after I graduate school...

Which is what I was wanting from ASP.

I'd been planning on sticking with this job as long as possible so I could raise money for makeup school. I'd even been hoping to be able to keep this job, or get another one here, after I graduated for a year or so. That wouldn't be so bad, would it?

I don't know. It's what I want... but now I've got all this added stress on me. Mom told me I should think hard on whether taking it would be too stressful for me during school, as my schedule is always heinously hectic. The seeds of doubt planted, I'm terrified that if I took the job, I would fail in something... be it my job, schoolwork, oboe, friends, or extracurriculars (namely Laughing Stock, Ambassadors, and Council).

I told Mark I would think about it today... in the end, I might be moving over to Mike's old office after all. I don't know. We'll see. It just... makes me nervous, how the job, in Mark's opinion, seems to hinge on whether I take that office or not.

...

Sigh.

Other than that, things are going... really well. I've been dating a guy for about a month now, and I don't think I could be happier with the situation. He's quirky, sweet, intelligent, and he has honest blue eyes. What more could I ask for, really? Haha... Plus, he loves music. That helps. And he graduated from Honors at UCA. Which helps, too-- we kind of speak on the same level. We operate on the same wavelengths. It's weird... but in the end, a delightful surprise. Whatever I did to deserve a guy like him, I don't know... but I hope it lasts.

Moving into the dorm on Saturday. Mom'll be down to help me move. I bought 4 tickets for the Punch Brothers (Chris Thile of Nickel Creek's new band) concert in November. I also plan on buying a gorgeous orchid plant for my aunt as a surprise, but I'm still working on the details for that. Hopefully she'll be home on Saturday like we'd planned.

Peace.

but time takes time, you know.

2008-08-03T19:49:00.002-05:00

I think I'll write about something happy this evening. Some good stuff that's been going on with me since I returned from Ireland. I met a guy. I kid you not. A guy. And not just any guy. A freaking GOOD guy. That never happens. He isn't a jerk. He isn't trying to use me. He's responsible, he's graduated from school, he has a job. He isn't afraid to be silly. He likes his family.

All those things are pretty cool in my book.

We're both on the same page with most things. And that includes relationship stuff. We're taking it slow as snails, and for once, I'm okay with that.

...

He freaking watched Doctor Who with me.

+2801924573021857124.02 points to him.

Also, I am enjoying my new job working in Highway Patrol Administration at Arkansas State Police Headquarters. For the past three weeks I was the "Pam" of my "Office," but tomorrow the regular secretary comes back, and I'm getting relocated to an office of my own.

...I'll probably boycott it until Mike gets back from his vacation on Thursday. I'm planning to gank his desk in the meantime.

.....................and "Scene."

2008-08-03T08:21:00.002-05:00

How is it possible I've lost five pounds since I came back from Ireland? Sheesh, I've been afraid to check the scales for fear I'd gained back ten, the way I've been eating since I've gone to live with my fam in Maumelle.

Strange. Reeeeeeally strange.

Here's a shoutout to Reka and all my friends in Hungary.

Nagyon szeretlek!!!

♥.

Bekah.

Philadelphia, Here I Come.

2008-07-28T09:39:00.000-05:00

Do you ever just wish you could skip over stuff? I'm sure you do. Those disastrous tests you didn't have time to study for, or those dreaded visits from odious people you're supposed to like. How about having to call someone who's angry with you, or an important performance you aren't quite prepared for? More and more, as time passes, I find myself wishing I could skip over these things, and I'm a little ashamed to admit it. Life is a gift, someone said, and we should treasure it always-- even the bad parts. But sometimes I get so... weary of having to endure through those bad parts. Silly of me, I realize. I'm hardly this pitiful martyr who has to suffer through life-altering pain. I'm just me. Simple, unextraordinary me. But I can still wish I didn't have to deal with the pain, can't I? It suffocates me sometimes. Sometimes I just wish... I were someone else. Someone who didn't care so much. Someone who didn't give a flip about what other people think about her. Someone who didn't have to live for someone else's expectations of her, but went through life as an explorer with no other motive than to experience the world.

I'm sitting here at work, and I'm wondering how I will be able to make it through this week. I know I will. I always do. Just gets tough sometimes. When all you really want (need) is someone to tell you you're worth it, you aren't a failure, you won't break under pressure... and all you seem to get are the expectations bouncing back off you from the mirror you're looking at, demands on your time and energy and heart... that is what can become suffocating.

I worry too much. And here I was thinking I'd gotten beyond it, that I'd grown up and faced my own greatest downfall. I guess it's just going to take a lot more than that, isn't it? I'm not having nightmares regularly, that's a relief. At least I have better control about that part of myself. What I don't have control over is the obsessive part of my mind that grabs hold of an idea and won't let loose. It's just like the two characters that played "Gareth" in Brian Friel's Philadelphia, Here I Come.

Example:

Public. She's mad at me. She's going to talk to him about me. She's going to give me a bad grade. A bad grade would ruin my 4.0.
Private. Having less than a 4.0 wouldn't be the end of the world. It's normal.
Public. Yes, but one B...
Private. oh, gods, let it not be a C...
Public. ...could open the doors for more B's. I have to keep a 3.5...
Private. Not too hard. You survived two years of hard classes and still made it through with all A's.
Public. What if I'm losing my touch? What if I'm just so fed up with studying I quit? I have to get this degree.
Private. You will. Calm down.
Public. I CAN'T CALM DOWN, I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THIS NOW, OR--
Private. Or what? You'll forget to think about it later? Hardly. You're going to be thinking about it no matter how much you think about it now. Besides, you're not thinking, you're worrying to the point of obsession. How is that going to help you?
Public. Yes, but--
Private. Yes, but! Yes, but! Your entire existence thrives upon "Yes, but--"s.

I'll fight with myself for a while until I can finally force myself to think about something different, but it always comes back to that. Always. Granted, I used to have a lot more ammo. Grad school. Getting an assistantship. All those things which are important in the academic world...

...that aren't as important to me now. Now that I'm set on going to makeup school, things are different. Well, not everything. As you can see, I still obsess about the little things. About grades and people's opinions. About my future. I don't think I'll ever stop obsessing about that. I'm too much of a "goody-goody". I like my gold stars a little too much. After all, without those gold stars to prove I've done a good job, who am I? Just another rather mediocre, unexciting, not-so-beautiful, not-so-extraordinary girl trying to find out what on Earth she's supposed to do with her life. That's normal, right?

Yes, well, I hate being normal.

Tripolar.

2008-06-08T06:44:00.001-05:00

ZOMG I'M GOING TO IRELAND TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

metamorphose.

2008-05-26T23:07:00.002-05:00

Well, blogger, as with every Monday, I stumbled over to weigh myself as soon as I hopped out of bed.

And I am pleased to report that I officially weigh lighter than I have since junior high school. Ah, I take that back. I lost 20 pounds when I got mono in 10th grade. So. I officially weigh lighter than I have since I got mono in 10th grade.

According to one set of scales, I have lost 37 pounds.

According to another set of scales, I have lost 38.5.

I'm going with the former one, only because it produced those numbers more reliably. I was surprised, though! I ate not-so-healthily last week.

It's a weird feeling, looking at myself in the mirror. I don't really feel like I look any different in person, though when I took pictures of myself today, my face seemed alien to me. I have cheekbones? Really? Who knew.

another snippet of Ryeanna's story.

2008-05-21T00:59:00.002-05:00

I just finished up this chapter, it goes in my book somewhere... I have a real problem of writing stuff in order.

--------------------------------------------------------------

He awoke to find two large, sapphire blue eyes regarding him sternly. Startled, he tried to sit up.

“Don’t even try,” the woman warned just a moment too late, and he sank back onto the pallet with a groan. His head ached miserably.

“Who are you?” Joshua hated the tremor in his voice.

“Come now, that’s no way to thank someone who saved your life, is it?” Her harsh reply belied the twinkle of amusement in those remarkable eyes.

“I…” He was shaking now, curse it all! “I’m sorry. Forgive me for being rude, Lady… I just… Thank you.” It was lame, as usual. He was not a very well-spoken man.

“You’re welcome.” She rose from the floor where he lay to poke at a low-burning fire on the nearby hearth. “You may call me Ryeanna. Just what were you doing walking the back streets alone after dark, anyway? A man of your age, you should know better by now.”

His eyes followed her as she spoke, observing his newfound savior. She was a tall woman, trim and muscled. By the way she moved, he gathered she was a fighter. No, he knew that already from before—last night, was it? There were no windows in the room, so he couldn’t tell. She was Elvish, yes, with moonlight pale skin and wild charcoal hair.

Remembering himself, he cleared throat before answering. “I was coming home from a friend’s library. I thought it would be quicker to go that way. I know now how foolish it was…”

“Foolish, indeed. Do you not carry a knife about yourself? No protection for such a situation?” She turned back to look at him with a little frown marring her brow.

“I’m afraid not… I… I guess I don’t think much about personal safety.” He managed a weak smile.

“Aye. I could tell.” She set a kettle over the fire and came back to sit beside him. “I gave you my name. What is yours?”

“Joshua de Moselien, Lady, at your service. I am but a humble scholar.” He raised his right hand, fingertips hopelessly ink-stained, and gave a rueful smile.

“Under different circumstances, it might be a pleasure. You’re very lucky, you realize. Those men would not have left you alone even if you had given them your purse.” She was staring at him again, and it made him a little uncomfortable.

“Yes, I know. And… thank you again, for helping me.” Joshua blushed a bit, looking at the floor.

“And you are twice welcome. We will, of course, have to see about your self-preservation habits, though—or lack thereof. There won’t always be someone around to hear your call for help. Here.” She picked up a pillow and scooted closer. “Let’s get this pillow behind you so you can sit up a bit to drink your tea.”

Moaning softly, he pushed himself up just long enough to let her shove the pillow behind him. “I guess I got hit in the head…”

“There, and just about everywhere else. You’ll feel better once you get some tea in you.” She stood and went to the fire. “So, Joshua de Moselien. I suppose you aren’t from around here, are you?” She gingerly lifted the kettle from the fire and poured the steaming hot water into a plain ceramic teapot emitting a faint scent of herbs.

“No, Lady, I am not.”

“Just Ryeanna is fine. No need for formalities here.” She brushed her hair from her eyes and sat in a chair by the table. “How long are you going to be staying?”

He thought a moment, frowning in concentration. “A month? Maybe a little longer. I have a few connections here… I am… writing a book.” He saw her eyes glint with interest at the statement and waited.

“Oh? Are you? What about, if you don’t mind me asking?” She leaned back in the chair, indolent as a cat.

“Economics, philosophy, science. More philosophy than anything else, though.” He managed a faint smile, looking toward the ceiling.

“Sounds fascinating.” She tugged absently on the end of her long black braid. “How long have you been writing it?”

Joshua rubbed a hand over his face and sighed ruefully. “Two, three years. It’s not very good, but I tarry diligently on.” The woman grinned at him, and he felt his chest tighten. She was dangerous, this Ryeanna, he could tell already.

“Here.” Before he knew it, she was pressing a steaming cup of tea into his hands. “Drink up. I’ll be right back.”

“Wait, what time is it?” He belatedly sipped at the tea and winced. It tasted acrid.

Ryeanna paused at the door, looking back at him. “What time? Oh… well, it’s just before dawn. Or was, last time I checked.”

“What, don’t you sleep?” he couldn’t help but ask. The answering smile was enough to erase any embarrassment he’d experienced.

“Sure I sleep. I’m just an early riser.” She flicks her fingers at him, gesturing for him to drink his tea as she disappeared out the doorway. It was dark in the corridor outside, and he couldn’t imagine where she’d gone. Where was he? As he sipped, his eyes took in the whitewashed walls and cleanly swept floors of the room. The fireplace was small, and it struck him as odd there would be a fireplace in a room with no windows. The physics of the airflow and ventilation distracted him a moment before he forcefully yanked his mind back to the present.

It was an interesting situation to find oneself in, he reflected as he dutifully drank the tea. To be rescued from near-death by a beautiful woman, that was. Only he could be so foolish as to get caught in a back alley after dark. For the thousandth time since leaving home, he cursed his foolishness. And to be saved by a woman! Well, he couldn’t really be picky, and she did seem to be very self-possessed. He paused a moment, trying to remember what had happened the night before. Haziness tinged his thoughts, and he frowned, looking warily down at his cup of tea.

His blue-eyed savior appeared in the doorway then, a tray balanced between her hands. “Here we are… how are you feeling?” She set the tray on the table and looked at him appraisingly.

“Better, thanks… what’s in this tea?” It was more from curiosity than from caution that he asked, which he demonstrated with another placatory sip.

“Chamomile. And some other things, but mostly chamomile.” She grinned across the room at him, causing him to blush. “I know it tastes awful, but you need to get some more sleep. I might be up, but you still have a few hours before the rest of the world comes back to life.” He watched as she pulled a piece of toast from the tray and took a bite.

“Am I your captive then?” As soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted them. Stupid, stupid words. He hoped the red in his cheeks wasn’t too visible in the firelight. But she just smiled and reached over to take his empty cup from him.

“For now, I suppose you are, Joshua de Moselien. At least until you sleep off that headache of yours.” After helping to remove the extra pillow from behind his back so he could lie down, she winked at him and patted his arm.

As he felt himself drifting to sleep, he watched her break her fast and couldn’t help but entertain a congratulatory thought. If one was ever to fall captive, one should definitely fall to someone like her.

why I am a big dork, reason #4359.

2008-05-20T01:12:00.004-05:00

I knew that me being on heavy painkillers would probably bring on some funny moments, but I never imagined I would run into this one. To explain, here is my conversation with friend Derrick.

Bekbeks // Ryeanna says:

I. am the biggest loser on the planet.

And I'll tell you why, Derrick, but you're not allowed to laugh.

Here I've been trying to sleep for an hour, but there's been a persistent noise of a BUG preventing it! One of those creepy crawly flying bug beetle crap things that makes too much noise for its own good and which crawls too fast to catch when you jump up to turn on the light to catch it!

I finally got so mad I turned on the light, grabbed my sword-- I kid you not, my sword-- and went on a bug hunt.

I bravely... knocked the bug from the ceiling with my sword... covered it with a cup, which I then covered with an old clog.

The bug will be severely dealt with on the morrow.

derrick says:

hahahahahahaha

Bekbeks // Ryeanna says:

HERE LIES BUG, WHO DISTURBED BEKAH'S DRUG-INDUCED STUPOR. BUG IS AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT HAPPENS TO SIMILAR BUGS WHO DO SIMILAR THINGS.

i intend to use my sword to deal with bugs more often.

gets the job done.

derrick says:

you're adorable.

Bekbeks // Ryeanna says:

another bug tried crawling in under my door during the massacre.

he's been 'mugged'...

well, i put a mug on top of him.

derrick says:

hahahahHA.

Bekbeks // Ryeanna says:

ugh

derrick says:

i heart you so much it hurts in the face.

Bekbeks // Ryeanna says:

does it? does it really? :/

derrick says:

you know it.

Bekbeks // Ryeanna says:

Ah. Well... that's good.

...I've been sitting here with my sword on my knees listening for any more bug sounds. I think I'm safe.

derrick says:

sounds like it.

go back to bed.

Bekbeks // Ryeanna says:

k. ^_^

In other news, I had a dream about Doctor Who last night that involved snogging. Yes, snogging. With the Doctor, mind you, and it was a-maz-ing. Hot.

seven brides for seven brothers.

2008-05-17T20:30:00.003-05:00

Well, since yesterday, it seems like all I've done is sleep. Which is pretty much the truth, actually. My surgery went very well, everyone was really nice. The least pleasant part was the IV (sorry, Joe, lol...), but it wasn't too bad. I woke up from the anesthesia not knowing who I was or where I was, and it took me a while to figure all that out, haha... They gave me some antibiotic salve, a 5-pill antibiotic pack, and a heck of a lot of serious painkillers. All those seem to do is put me to sleep-- hence the sleeping-all-day part.

Kristy, and eventually Jeremy, came to see me yesterday. It was a real treat to be able to see them. I don't think I've been happier to see them ever. We played Cranium, which I lost because Julie called me from Paris, and I got a bit distracted. :p

My ear looks like I tried to pull a Van Gogh and changed my mind, midway... ending up sewing it back on.

For more pictures from yesterday's adventure and my ear's current status, check the last five pictures here. I don't recommend looking if you're like to get squeamish, though. It isn't pretty.

I'm lonely right now, but I've got some fun stuff going on next week. On Monday, Kristy is taking me and JD to see Prince Caspian. On Wednesday, my very own Derrick is driving up from Searcy to see me! ♥ I am very anxious to see him. And on Thursday, I'm getting my stitches removed. ...Okay, so that isn't really going to be fun, but at least it's something.

Tonight's plan is to try to finish reading this play, to watch this movie, and to drink lots of this.

Prepare for your defeat, branchial cleft cyst.

2008-05-15T12:15:00.002-05:00

You know what time I have to be at the surgical hospital tomorrow?

6:15 a.m.

Yeeeeup.

Joe: they're putting me on an IV. I haven't been on one of those since I was a baby... I'm interested in seeing if it really does "feel good" like you said, lol.