21 March 2011

spring is here!

The first day of spring has never seemed so infinitely perfect. When I walked outside for a bit today, I was overwhelmed by the beautiful weather. Just the perfect temperature. I haven't loved being outside that much in a while! I wish we had outdoor furniture to put on our balcony so I could have read outside today, but instead I had to make due with opening all the windows and turning on the fans to circulate the fresh air.

I took the opportunity to do some spring cleaning-- much needed, might I add. I had to go out and purchase a new vacuum cleaner today since our old one had called it quits (the motor died, poo *sadface*). So I vacuumed the apartment, did laundry, did dishes, swept, and treated our hardwood floors. When I get up the courage to face my allergy fears, I'm going to clean the litter box, too. :/ I'm going to tie a scarf around my face first, though lol. And wear rubber gloves.

Going back to work tomorrow. I had a five-day holiday! Well, I was sent home on Wednesday, and they told me not to come back for the rest of the week since it turned out I was contagious with strep throat. All better now, though, and quite rested. Though I know I'm going to be hating my paycheck for last week, I appreciated the time I was given to recuperate with my sweet husband (who took very good care of me, might I add).

I've been doing a lot of thinking this weekend about our future, and still haven't gotten any closer to making any real progress. The more I see babies on television and in real life, the more my heart aches to start a family, but OH MY WORD do I know that we aren't ready for that, even if it WAS in our immediate future plans. Ben feels it, too. He gets this really precious look on his face when we see a cute child while we're out. And his family certainly has made their opinions and wishes known. I'm lucky that my own extended family has plenty of babies to soak up the attention.

Nevertheless, I feel like if I decided to stop here and settle down, I would overwhelmingly feel like a failure, after wanting for so long to pursue my dreams as a make-up artist. I like my job at the spa, but I know it isn't going to be a long-term option for me. I don't have enough freedom or flexibility, and my true passion in make-up is film! This job has made me turn down multiple film opportunities this spring, and I know I wouldn't be happy if that was my life from here on out.

I want to go to Vancouver for film school, but it's getting hard for me to find motivation. I know the move will be hard on us. We will be horridly in debt, which is why we're here in Arkansas for now-- to pay off debt before we can think of acquiring more. The longer I stay here, the less possible the move seems, but there's no way we could leave now. I want to learn more! I want to go to the best school out there! I want to meet the extraordinary people in the industry and be involved in incredible, life-changing projects! I'm not going to get all that here, but we're stuck for now.

Like I told Kristi, basically the name of the game right now is "try-not-to-get-pregnant".

I want to set a goal for myself. A year from now, a year from today, March 21st, 2011, I want to have made a decision about Vancouver (or whatever film/makeup school) and have a definite timeline for getting OUT of Arkansas. That way we can adjust our budget (ha) to start saving money, and I can give definites to the school for application or even inquiry purposes.

...because let's face it, just because I apply, that doesn't mean I'll get in.

We have the whole world ahead of us, and we (I) just have to find the courage to make the decisions that will change our lives, hopefully for the better.

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