31 December 2009

The End of 2009

Well, 2009. Here were are.
I think we both know you were quite the disappointment.
You kicked me and mine when we were down.
Took some loved ones away from us.
Turned a friend against us.
Hurt some.
Lost some.
You crushed some dreams.
You postponed a lot of others.
You caused a lot of tears.

Nevertheless, I won't discredit you the high points.
I met my soulmate this year, and he asked me to marry him.
I got to spend time with friends in Hungary.
I got to see Niall here in Arkansas.
Reunited with New Mexico family.
Was able to start pushing my make-up career forward.
Got a good job.

Here's to hoping next year will be better. For everyone. I mean, how could it not be? I'm graduating, I'm marrying the love of my life, and I'm starting things fresh.

:)

Beks.

19 November 2009

Fall 2009

Reasons Why Fall 2009 Has Been the Worst Semester EVER
  • I got a job, which began meaning I never saw my friends. Now it just means I never get sleep because I'm trying to see my friends.
  • My classes are uncharacteristically demanding, and teachers are not sympathetic to a student's overbooked schedule.
  • One of my friends turned out to be a witch of a person.
  • I'm taking classes that (for the most part) I don't enjoy.
  • I am exhausted all the time.
  • I disappoint people constantly because I don't have time for them.

Things That Made Fall 2009 Bearable
  • My remaining awesome friends.
  • Flora and Matt bought a house only a few blocks away!
  • My co-workers are super. <3.
  • I feel like I'm accomplishing something by being so busy.
  • I got engaged to the best man I know.
  • I had a stellar birthday because of it.
  • I channeled my artistic side in drawing class and made a lot of friends.
  • I relearned French, and speak/read/write it better than ever.
  • I learned that there is more to life than grades, and despite my slightly falling GPA this semester (no doubt with more than one B), I feel like it was worth it to spend time with friends and family.
  • I got to see my Aunt Margi and Sam for my birthday.
  • I received inheritance money that'll help me accomplish my dreams.
  • No regular nightmares as a result of the heavy stress I'm under -- good sign?


There are still a few weeks left before the end of the semester, but there's a basic summary of it. I'm glad to see more good than bad on that list.

<3.
Cheers.

18 November 2009

Well, now that the smoke of the first reaction to my engagement has settled, I realize my life is more hectic than ever. This week I've gotten minimal to less than the minimum sleep. I've worked more, I've had five times as many assignments, two tests, two papers, drawings to turn in, a tutorial presentation to prepare, and an audition. The audition I haven't even looked at the music for.

...this week comes straight from hell.

13 November 2009

Friday the 13th, and today's going to be a really tough one. Well, really the whole weekend will be. I'm dealing with shocked family, upset family, worried family... I get the feeling that I'll be treated like a petulant child more than once. Part of me is very glad that I'll be working much of the time.

I don't know. I'm worried, too. I feel like I've been suffocating all morning... well, since last night. Because I don't know what I'm going to say. I've never been good with conflict. We all know that I clam up, I get quiet, I cry because I beat myself up when people get unhappy with me... I love Ben, and I guess the little girl in me hoped that my family would be excited, too. But all the negativity coming from them, it's making me uncomfortable with myself and with all this. I'm young, yes, but I'm an adult, too. And I'd like to make my own decisions without being ragged on for being careless or immature.

Maybe it's immature of me that I care so much what my family thinks about all this... but really, I feel like I'm being reasonable. No, Ben and I have not been dating for very long ("at my age?"), but we've known for a while now that there's no one else for us. No, I did not tell everyone that we were this serious. Sorry about that. I didn't know I had to advertise it to the world...

...sorry. I'm a bit bitter right now.

Ugh.

I need a vacation, lol.

23 October 2009

wthcol, people?

Just. So.

I'm crabby, my throat feels like I swallowed fire, and my thesis tutor is late to yet another meeting.
I'm getting frustrated. I just hope I don't have to "talk" to her like Ashley did... I'm not good at laying down the law, or whatever. Plus, I don't really have any plausible people to switch to, should things turn sour.

Also, I am worried about a certain application that I turned in and haven't heard about... despite two of my friends being accepted. Eh... ambiguous speech aside, I'll be pretty depressed if I don't get it. I was really looking forward to it.

Yes, I am sick. Started out as a wimpy headache and throat throb, now it's a fullblown sore throat that won't let me sleep. Curse you, tonsils! I don't really know for sure if it's tonsils, but it feels like tonsillitis... People call me a hypochondriac, but the funny thing is is that I'm right a lot of the time. :p

Work is going good. Still loving being a barista, still disliking getting up in the morning. I haven't been sleeping very much (5 hours a night is average for me, I get 7-8 hours maybe twice a week).

School is okay. My French teacher thinks I am doing great (which came as a huge surprise), and my psych classes, well... well, I'm surviving them, haha. Evolutionary Psych is kicking my butt; Sensation & Perception is okay, though I find myself staring blankly at my professor most of the time, now that we're getting into really technical stuff.

Friend situation... is worse. A lot of drama happened recently that I'd rather not talk about now. There were a lot of tears, though, and Ashley's no longer living with us. Which sucks.

Well... I guess I'll go check the rest of the building and see if my tutor is hanging around somewhere. I'm going to have to ask her if there's a better meeting time than this, since she's forgetting it a lot.

I'm such a Debbie Downer.

10 September 2009

One of life's funny moments.

The most hysterical thing happened today.
I went to Walgreens between classes to pick up the picture I printed off of Ashley's face (for thesis), and accidentally dropped my debit card somewhere between coming out the door and getting to my car. (It ended up being underneath my car-- I found it, no worries).

So anyway, while I was rummaging around in my stuff, still in the parking lot with my door open, some girl in a red car pulls up and honks at me. I look 'round, and she's saying something to me through the closed window. Looked like "are you waiting for me?"

Imagining that she meant waiting for her to move, I shook my head, mouthed "no", and went back to rummaging.

And didn't notice her get out of her car and walk around to my passenger side.
Didn't notice until she tapped on my window and opened the door, sitting down in my passenger seat and closing the door.

...

Yes, take a minute to think this through. A girl I had never seen before jumped in my car.
Not only that, but she turns to me all matter-of-fact and says, "Ok, let's figure this thing out."

...

What?!

I was just staring at her like she was a crazy person, and she tilted her head and asked, "Wait, do I know you?"

And I said, "Um, no. No, you don't." She kept looking at me like she didn't believe me. After a few moments, it seemed to hit her what she had done, mentioning having to meet this girl she didn't know very well, then she uttered a string of curses, mumbling a little, and then she jumped out of the car and pretty much ran away into the Walgreens.


...end.

24 August 2009

recap.

Well, the fall semester of my last year at UCA has started, and things are already going crazy. This year is different in so many ways... But let's just go through the list of classes first:

(1) Evolutionary Psychology - doesn't sound too hard. I've got 3+ friends in there to sit with, too.
(2) Wind Ensemble - holy crap, I made Wind Ensemble! I didn't expect that one. I love my rowmates, though, and aside from some uncomfortable situations that may arise at concerts (read: people I'm not used to seeing), I'm very excited about being there.
(3) French Conv. & Comp. II - the class sounds fun, but I got intimidated in class on Thursday. Having waited a year to take the sequel to Conv. & Comp. I, my French is rusty. Also, I've been speaking, reading, and thinking Hungarian since the summer started, so my brain is going to have a hard time untraining itself and jumping back into French mode.

(4) Drawing I - a fun, loose class. Nothing difficult here, just two hours per session to let my hair down and breathe.
(5) Sensation & Perception - having had Cognitive and Physiological from the same professor last semester, I feel like a lot of this is review.
(6a) Oxford Tutorial - I'm excited about my thesis, but uncomfortable and unsure how to make it more interdisciplinary. Creative theses are a little more difficult in that respect.
(6b) Meetings with Tutor - rescheduled meetings with Shauna, so now we're meeting later in the week. I'm pretty excited!
(7) Oboe - lessons start Wednesday.

Also, I am working 20-25 hours/week at the Starbucks in Maumelle, now that school has started. This means morning shifts... which means leaving Conway at 4:30am twice a week (ouch...). But it's good. I love my job, and I love the people I work with. =)

Ben is great... I love him terribly. We're both suffering for my busy schedule, him moreso than me, since he has a little more free time to suffer (I'm sure if the situation were reversed, I would feel similarly). I just want him to be happy, but sometimes it seems like there's nothing I can do for a time. I miss him. He just talked himself into, then out of, then back into coming to see me this afternoon, even though I have to go film this evening in Little Rock.

I love him.

I also love my Hungarian friends, whom I miss something crazy, too.

I have homework I should be doing... but I felt like these things needed be recorded.

<3.

14 July 2009

you had the passenger seat then.

Friday, I will probably filled with exuberance and excitement.
Saturday, I will probably be ecstatically surrounded by friends.
The next three weeks will likely be fantastic and fulfilling, but...

Tonight, just let me be sad.
Love,
Bekah.

04 July 2009

holiday for hanging

Happy 4th of July to me. I think it's pretty ironic that the first Independence Day I spend in the States in the past 5 years, I'm working and otherwise spending the holiday alone. Ah well... at least tonight won't be boring.

I hurt Ben's feelings last night, and it feels like I'm suffocating since I can't talk to him right now.

That's really all I have to say.

12 June 2009

a fun night at work.

Tonight was fun. I was a little apprehensive about it -- I haven't quite gotten the hang of closing up the store properly yet. Maybe just because I feel like I'm doing everything inadequately!

Anyway, though... tonight it was Josh, Chris, and I, and we had a pretty good time. We had some great customers, and everyone seemed to be in a good mood. Josh and I worked up a welcoming routine for the drive-thru that we eventually tried out on one family near the end of the night:

"Good evening!"
"Welcome to Starbucks!"
"I'm Josh..."
"And I'm Bekah..."
"What can we get started for you tonight?"

We would flip back and forth during the whole ordering process-- I think we ended up making the family feel as silly as we were feeling. :) That was good.

Let's see... Oh! And something weird happened. I am pretty sure I was flirted with by one of the lobby customers. He and two women came in -- he seemed to be in his late 20s, I think. I was working bar, and while Chris took his order, I stood behind the counter and was getting the specifics so I could start on his drink. I think it was... a skinny cinnamon dolce latte? Yeah.

Anyway, he was kind of looking at me strangely. As if he knew me or something. And when I went up to the bar, he started talking to me, lightly teasing as if I were a friend. Asked if I had weekend plans (fishing, perhaps?). I told him I would be working all weekend. Then he proceeded to tell me about his moving plans-- moving to California rather soon for a job. We chatted a while. He was pretty nice, but it was just so strange! I wanted to know his deal, lol. Ha! If I didn't have a boyfriend that I love and adore, I'm sure I would be eaten up with curiosity. As it is now, however, I am happy enough to pass on the humorous event to my blog and a couple of friends, and there it shall rest. :)

Josh and I kind of bonded tonight, too, which was nice. I'm glad I like my coworkers... I really consider them all friends, even this soon into the job!

01 June 2009

Summer lovin', happened so fast...

The summer is really panning out to be a great one already.  It's different, but a good different.  Kind of a grown-up good different.

Work has been awesome.  Seriously.  I love my job... I loved coffee before, but I have such a huge appreciation for it now!  Even more than before.  My coworkers are incredibly great.  I really couldn't imagine working anywhere else right now.  It's a good fit for me at this time in my life.

I don't get to see Ben as often as I would like.  We average about twice a week... it seems like we're seeing each other less now than we did when I was in school.  Odd, but then again, I was about 20 minutes closer.  Ben was planning on moving to Conway... I guess I was hoping he was really going to try to do so, but you know, things come up.  He's got more important things to do right now.

Tomorrow morning, I am getting up, and I am going running.  I officially start whatever regimen it is I'm going to put myself through tomorrow.  I would like to lose say... 15 pounds before Hungary.  It'll probably end up being maybe 10, but I'll take what I can get!  I haven't really... gained that much weight since last summer... maybe about 10 pounds, but I -feel- like I have.  My clothes aren't fitting like they were.  So time to crack down!

I miss my friends a lot.  I might have to watch some Doctor Who tomorrow to get over school-sickness.

loooooove.
love love love.
because I have nothing better to say.
love.

Beks.

21 May 2009

La la La

Well, friends, it's been a while.
I'm in Maumelle now, living with my aunt and cousins again.
Started working at Starbucks on Monday, and so far it's been pretty great.  I learn how to make lattes in the morning.

Maggie (my car) seems to be on her last toenail of her last foot of her last leg.  The list of problems is extensive.  Suffice it to say that she has mysterious electrical problems, and is now entirely unreliable.  :(  I have to put her in the shop tomorrow morning even though I don't have any money to fix her.  Lord willing, it's going to be an easy, relatively cheap problem to fix.

...Not holding my breath, though.

Other than that, life is going okay.  Somehow I managed to scrape by with a 4.0 for this past semester.  Crazy... don't know if I deserved it... but I'll leave the judging to the teachers, lol.

I miss my mom.  I miss my brother.  I miss my friends.  I miss Ben.  I always forget about the whole not having friends bit about living in Maumelle.  Hanging out with Tyler and Caitlin is fun, but it's always tough not having my best friends around.  Plus, this week I'm only working 20 hours... which means a lot of downtime alone here at home... because everyone else in the household works at ASP from morning to evening.

Let's just say I've been napping a lot, lol.

Well... that's it for my bellyaching.  I'm going to catch some sleep.

Love,
Beks

27 April 2009

take me to the riot.

You know what's funny (and probably not a very good thing)?
The more I get behind on school work, the less I care about it.
And the more I think about the future.
♥.

19 April 2009

more adventurous.

At this point in the semester, the name of the game is "Keeping Your Head Above Water."  I'm behind on schoolwork, and it's tough to stay motivated to get it done in the first place.  I'm coasting through my classes, and I'm having a hard time putting much effort into my extracurriculars.  I guess you could say I'm a little distracted.

Summer plans, the boy, thesis plans, friends in pain, planning my future in general... It's all culminating into one big, crazy ball of distraction.  I don't know if I'm depressed or anxious or just stressed.  I feel like I could sleep for an eternity.  Little things frustrate me more than they did.  I want to get away.

I've been having weird dreams lately.  Maybe not nightmares... just forays into things disturbing.

I need to clean my room.  I need to write my paper(s).  I need to practice for my lesson and get ready for tonight's meetings/rehearsals.

...but I just want to go to bed.

I was going to drive down to Maumelle to turn in my Starbucks application this morning.  I'd had it all filled out and everything.  Typical, though, my car was dead when I went down.

That would be my life, lol.

Seriously.  One of these days I'm going to have a reliable car.
...it may be a while, though.

Love, Beks









p.s. the roommates think I need to see a "doctor".  And when I say doctor, I mean a girly doctor.  lol. I won't fill you in on the gnarly, personal details, so I'll just say that I've got this paranoid feeling that I'm going to find out that I can't have kids.  (I wanted to put a "lol" after that, and then I disapproved of my own levity in light of the subject matter.  ...lol).

02 April 2009

A good day.

How exciting today has been!  After Stage Makeup, I stayed behind to talk to my professor and ask her to be my thesis tutor.  She was totally pumped about it!  Eeeeeeeks I'm so excited.  She's got some great ideas about different techniques we can use, and she really wants to help me get into the SFX type of makeup that I'm still not that great at.

Happiness.  :)

Also, I got an invite to stay with Fanni's fam for a few days while I'm in Hungary -- very welcome!

Oh, and I met with my little over coffee, too.

So aside from the icky stormy weather we've had, it's been a good day.

Ben's coming to visit me tonight, so I don't really know how the day could get better.

Ah, life.  ♥.

30 March 2009

Gone, gone, gone.

Ah, world.
How much has changed!  I hardly recognize my own life anymore.
I'm on the verge of being pretty stressed, and I'm exhausted from my very busy spring break, but I am well.  The guy I am seeing is... well, the whole situation is different.  I don't rightly understand it, and sometimes I don't really feel I deserve it (or him).  The thing is, though, I just can't see life without him.  That's what's so strange.  I cannot imagine living without him in my life.
I just hope that feeling isn't fleeting.  I'm kind of enjoying it.
Anywho, I might come back and write some more tonight.  I have to go film stuff for Laughing Stock in a few... so I've gotta run!

Much love,
Beks

11 March 2009

blue smiles.

My, my, Bekah.
Be careful, or you're likely to lose yourself.






It's been a good week.

02 March 2009

find me a find, catch me a catch.

I want someone who would fly to Africa to see me.

Is that selfish?

25 February 2009

it'll happen. it's gonna happen.

Things have been passing strange recently.
I went home this past weekend so I could spend some time with my mom.  My mom had a date... that's weird to say.  It's not something that's really come up ever, not that I remember.  It's always just been my mom, my brother, and me.  So dealing with something new was an experience, to say the least.

I spent a lot of time with Katie, Adam, and David this past weekend, too.  That was good.  I guess I really needed some time to sit back and not think about the normal things.  I came back to school feeling much more relaxed about life than I did when I left it.

...probably not all good, as I skipped my SOC class today, lol.

The atmosphere at my old church in Jonesboro was... intense on Sunday.  A lot of unfortunate events have stricken the congregation there, and I got an email today about another.  A man I liked but really knew only through other people I loved took ill recently and passed away last night.  All this death just makes me feel... quiet.  It doesn't make me all that sad or upset (as I think it probably should...)... I just don't really know what to do with myself.  I feel like I need to do something, but I'm finding the motivation to start on the night's homework hard to come by.

I'm going to see my brother in Mississippi over spring break before I fly to Florida.  I decided this past weekend, and I'm pretty excited.  :)  I miss that kid.

There's probably a lot more I could write about... but frankly, I need to start on this work.
Cheers.
Nagyon szeretlek.

12 February 2009

Thank you, your grumpiness.

I met Malcolm-Jamal Warner today.
Talking to him was pretty awesome.
He was a remarkably well-spoken, genuine human being.
Hearing about The Cosby Show from one of the children's point of view was fascinating!  I'm so glad I got invited to go meet him.  <3.

09 February 2009

We have a surplus of individualism and a deficit of companionship.

I've noticed that it's the times when I most desperately need to get work done that I find myself sorely lacking in motivation.

...Sigh.

Today was a good day.  I managed to almost completely get through my first weekly walk/run routine this morning.  ("Almost completely" because I skipped one running segment near the middle of the course to keep walking and loosen out my muscles).  The course is actually a series of podcasts I heard about from Emily some weeks ago... with the aim of getting a beginning runner up to running 5k in 9 weeks.  Pretty cool, right?  I'm also working on getting to two hundred sit-ups in six weeks.

So while I've gained a bit of weight over the past semester and break, I'm getting the physical side of myself back on track for one of the first times since... well, it's been a while.

Almost had a small freak-out tonight while studying.  I'm just so distracted tonight... thinking about too many things.  I emailed Sephora about their new store opening in Little Rock this spring.  Hopefully they'll email me back.  I don't know if I'll be able to get a job with them, but it's what I need right now.  I have to start getting connections... and the whole vastness of my future ahead of me is more than a little daunting.  I know what I want, but will I be good enough to reach it?  Will I have enough ambition and spirit?

It was these questions (and many, many more) that made me lay my head down on my desk and breathe.  I have to keep telling myself that I have time.  I can do anything I want.  I don't have to worry yet.

Yeah, and then I remember that I'm telling that to someone who worries to the point of obsession about these types of things.  It drives people crazy, but it's the way I am.

07 February 2009

Céad Míle Fáilte

As usual, I need to go to bed.

This week was a rollercoaster, but it was more than I could have ever expected.

Last weekend was Derrick's birthday extravaganza.  We went out Friday and Saturday and had lots of fun in the process.  I got to spend some time with his friends and ended up liking them very much!  It was lovely to see Derrick, and I'm sad I couldn't get his present(s) to him on time... but it's true, he'll be getting his late like I did.  ;)



My favorite Irish friend, Niall, arrived in Arkansas Monday night.  It was all I could do to keep from tackling him when he walked out of Emma's house, and we saw him for the first time since July.  He came to class with me (Honors with Allison:  Issues in Global Economics and Environment), and I was pleasantly surprised to find he knew a lot on these issues.  He even participated in the discussion.

Dinner at Old Chicago, then we hung out at the Bear's Den afterward.  Got to see Dustin, which was almost as momentous as seeing Niall.

On Wednesday I had classes until late afternoon, but I was able to hitch a ride with a few people to Little Rock to spend some time with him.  We ate/had a couple of pints at the Flying Saucer and finished up at Willy D's...  And then he left, which kind of broke my heart for some reason.

I guess it just reminds me of all those times I had to leave people I loved behind in other places-- Hungary, for instance.  I'm trying very hard to get there for the last camp this summer, but after then?  Who knows if I'll ever be back.  And while I told Niall that I would without a doubt be back to Ireland, I don't know if I will any time soon, you know?  Who knows if I'll ever see him again.  He told Flo's husband that he'd never fallen in love with a bus tour group the way he fell in love with ours.  Everyone (well, you know, with the students at least).  Especially us four chicas -- Flo, Laura, Amber, and myself.  That really made saying goodbye to him harder, too.  We all love him and wish Ireland were a little closer.  Sigh.

Anyway.  That's what's been going on.  Classes are going well, but I feel like a slacker in all of them except for Stage Makeup, and that's the only one that I really care about.

Love.
Beks.

21 January 2009

keep it cool.

Two days of official classes gone by, and here's how things stand:

Honors Senior Seminar:  Issues in Global Economics and Environment
Well, I've got tentative hopes for this course.  I'm learning a lot already, and I'm enjoying getting a better grasp on economics (something I've had a hard time with in the past).  There's a lot of reading, though, and writing, too.  That's a little difficult, but not too daunting.  Yay for Honors.

Stage Makeup
HOMG THE COOLEST CLASS EVER.  For real.  75% of the grade is putting makeup on yourself.  At first I was a little wary, having already some decent experience with theatrical makeup, but I'm already learning new things.  Fabulous.  Plus, I have this class with Trace, and Trace is one of the grooviest people ever.  So yeah.

Cognitive Psychology
Not a really difficult course.  And thus not too much to say about it.  Wade's in both of my psych classes, so at least I have a friend.

Physiological Psychology
As this class is taken from the same teacher 10 minutes after Cognitive Psychology, we sometimes hear a lot of the same stuff in this class that we did the last one.  ...but that's not really a big deal.  The prof's very amiable, and he makes us laugh.  Again, probably not a very difficult course, so all's good.

Principles of Sociology
I really like my professor for this course.  He's got a very gentle, intelligent countenance.  Though a lot of the stuff we are looking at now I've already studied at least twice before, I think I'm going to enjoy this class anyway.

Symphonic Band
Ah, symphonic band.  ...What is there to say?  I got passive-aggressively scolded as I came in.  We're supposed to be there 5-10 minutes early to tune (as with any band class I've ever had), but I have class in across campus just beforehand, so I'm just going to have to book it from Irby to SFA on MWF.  Also not pleased about having to schedule sectionals every week, but HEY!  I'm not all that worried, nor do I care all that much.  I just like to play.  The literature we're reading right now is fun, though some parts are a bit difficult.  Overall, I like band.  S'normal.


Alycia and I have started to work out in the mornings on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.  I love it already.  Oboe lessons start next week, though, and mine is at 9:30am on Wednesday, so I'm going to have to reorganize my workout schedule.

We're going bellydancing tonight, weeeeee!

More to come soon, including the ever-changing spring break and summer plans, and life changes.

Love,
Beks.

15 January 2009

forget about your house of cards.

Well, today was our first day of school for the spring semester of 2009.  My first semester as a senior.  A year from now, I will be starting my very last semester at UCA.  How's that for a crazy thought?

My classes today have been pretty fun.  I just had Honors (issues in global economics and environment or something like that) and Stage Makeup.  Stage Makeup is going to be the easiest and most fun class EVER, pretty sure.  Do makeup and get credit for it?  Seriously, now.  And there are some fun people in there, too (bff Trace!), so +5 to Tuesday/Thursday classes.  I really hope the teacher ends up thinking I'm a good person or whatever.  I seriously need a tutor for next semester...

I'm feeling a little flyaway these days.  My body is protesting something, haha.  Takes forever to get to sleep, dreaming a lot more than usual (about half nightmares), and lots of upset tummy days.  :(  I'm not really all that stressed anymore, now that my ticket got taken care of... so I don't know.

The second generation of social networking (as in, parents, teachers, relatives, friends of parents, old church members) has started to get under my skin.  Don't get me wrong, Facebook and Myspace are great tools for networking and keeping in touch with people, but seriously... when one has been on those websites for 5+ years and been able to keep some level of privacy, and then is thrown into experiencing new generation of web-social networkers who are wide-eyed and excited about the brand new perspective that social networking websites present to them... it's a little unnerving.

See... before, students like us were able to partition our lives better.  There are our online identities, branches of ourselves visible to friends (both in-real-life and net friends), but otherwise invisible to the outside world.  Now, though, it is almost impossible to keep those worlds divided without looking like a jerk.  Does that make sense?  Everyone is joining Facebook (and Myspace, though the recent boom has seemed to be Facebook).  Relatives.  Old home church members you see twice a year.  Friends of friends.  Teachers.  Everyone.  And these days it seems like I'm spending more time running interference trying to keep the boat from being rocked than actually connecting with friends.

I have over a thousand Facebook friends, so I look doubly a jerk when I decline someone's friend request.

You know what's also unnerving?
In our Strange Communities class last semester, we discussed how websites like Facebook define the way people look at you in real life... how we refer to content on those sites as a matter of fact.  And I understood that and supported it, because it's true -- since high school, I have referred to Facebook for real life information about real life people.  Discussions had on Facebook are carried on in real life.  

It was refreshing and somewhat relieving that certain parts of life were not part of that crossreferencing.  That one could go home, and be taken point-blank, as you were, without having to worry about the face you present to the online world.  Your mask.

Now, with everyone joining... there is no privacy.  No partitioning of one's life.  People who weren't making references to online versions of yourself are now doing so.  
Commenting on parts of yourself that are online.  
Changing the way you interact with them.  
'Checking out' friends virtually and making assumptions not previously held about those people based solely on the content of their profiles.
Calling a friend 'creepy' because something in his profile didn't agree with them.
It isn't fair.
It's at odds.
I don't like it.


Sorry... what a long blog of complaints this has been.  I'm just feeling weird because I had to decline someone's Facebook friend request twice because I honestly just didn't want to be FB friends with them.

Is that bad?

Sigh.

03 January 2009

hello.

Julie, this quote is for the two of us:

"The world bursts at the seams with people ready to tell you you're not good enough.  On occasion, some may be correct.  But do not do their work for them.  Seek any job; ask anyone out; pursue any goal.  Don't take it personally when they say 'no' -- they may not be smart enough to say 'yes'."
--Keith Olbermann

Happy New Year 2009, world.
I rang in the new year like a wuss.  Had a mental/emotional breakdown about an hour before midnight, and I was asleep whenever my 12am alarm went off.  Yeah.  I know I'm lame.  Shut up.

I really just have one resolution this year, mostly because I normally don't do resolutions.  But I figured I might as well try to get over someone I've been unhealthily pining over for months... I got through a lot of the process on Christmas Eve.  Deleted him from websites, blocked and deleted on messengers, the lot.  I didn't delete old emails and messages until today.  That was hard, but... it needed to be done.  More so when I found out he had a girlfriend today.  That was a bit of a blow to the gut... twist the knife, will you?  Yeah, and then rip it out, haha.  I'm reminded of that knife in the 1994 Jungle Book, you know?

Capt. Boone (Cary Elwes): [holding up the knife] This is a personal favorite of mine.  You thrust it into your opponent's belly like that, see?  And then you twist it a little and rip out his stomach.
Mowgli:  And then do you eat him?
Capt. Boone:  No, of course not.
Mowgli:  Does he want to eat you?
Capt. Boone:  Why, no.
Mowgli:  Then why kill him?
Capt. Boone:  Because he's your enemy.
Mowgli:  What is enemy?
Capt. Boone:  Someone you hate.
Mowgli:  What is hate?

I tell myself it's for the best, that we were never really all that good for each other, but it's tough.  and I won't try to fool myself into thinking it shouldn't be.  As Julie says, though... he doesn't matter.  And in the end, he doesn't.  Really, he doesn't.

So here's to a new year full of its own beauty, pain, stupid mistakes, successes, and failures.  Julie has feelings that a lot of things are going to change this year, and I think it's possible-- even probable.  I just hope some of them will be good changes.

Had a bit of a run-in with the police on New Years -- might explain that later.  But before I go back to school I have to go to court to appeal a ticket I shouldn't have gotten.  Yuck.

Planning on going back on Weight Watchers soon, just because.  It'd be cool to lose maybe another 30 pounds before summer, but I'm not making myself any big promises yet.  I have to see how stressful this semester will be first.

Joe, we all miss you.  :(  Hopefully see you soon.

Love you guys.  Hope your breaks are going swimmingly.