27 October 2008

J-j-j-jaded...

Yeah... so we had a shooting at our school last night.  It's really bizarre to think that something like that could happen here in "quaint" little Conway.  Even more bizarre to imagine two people were hurt and killed at a place I pass by daily.  It's an alleyway between one of the older dorms and the fine arts center.  I cut through there to shave some time from my morning pedestrian commute to class on the other end of campus.  My friends and I call it the "Rape Cave"... mostly because it's dark and kind of shady-looking.  How ironic the shooting happened there.  Two boys were shot and killed, both UCA students, a third (nonstudent) merely injured and still alive.  There's been talk the incident was gang-related, and that's entirely possible.  We don't think it was random.  It was a driveby shooting, not a mentally unstable kid coming into class with a handgun.

I don't know how to feel about the situation, honestly.  I found out last night not long after we heard all the sirens... Laina and Julie and I were watching Poltergeist when Drew Branscum sent me a text message to stay inside with the doors locked, that there was a shooting on campus.  We hunkered down and began spreading our own word to friends and family.  Whatever you may hear on the news about us getting an alert about the situation before 10pm is a lie.  The incident happened around 9:15pm, but we weren't sent emergency emails until after 10pm.  Mine came in at about 10:20pm.  The UCAPD Website and the Emergency Hotline also failed to supply warnings/alerts until about that time or later.  There is considerable unrest on campus about the complete lack of information students were supplied last night.   Some didn't even know about it except through Facebook status updates.  I wouldn't have known about it until our RA came to talk to us after 10pm if Drew hadn't texted me.

I guess the bottom line is that while I'm fine and my friends are fine, we're all a little unnerved about the way things were handled.  My heart breaks for the students' families that now suffer the loss of their sons and brothers.  My heart is also breaking for this school, that I love.  It will recover, but at this point, I just don't know how.

Jaded,
Bekah.

23 October 2008

alive.

So, as usual I'm crazy stressed out, but again-- that's usual.
I lost my iPod, and my computer's about to call it quits.  It's either a really invasive virus that affects my browser, or my hard drive is about to melt.  Either way, I ended up just ordering another hard drive.  I can't afford a new computer right now, so a new HDD should hopefully tide me over until I can get a refurbished Macbook next summer.  Cross your fingers!  The good news is the company I bought it from on eBay was SUPER prompt about sending it.  They shipped it the next day, so it should arrive in Jonesboro next week!  I won't be without a working computer for long.  Thank.  Elua.

All the stress aside, I'm leaving today for San Antonio.  It should be a pretty fun trip, I'm excited about going.  I guess a good thing about being over-involved (with Honors) is people take notice sometimes.  And I get a break like this.

Sweeeeeeeet.

Anywho.  I'll be back the wee hours of Sunday morning.  Cheers.
ily.
Beks!

18 October 2008

More Adventurous

Well, my break has been interesting so far, to say the least.
I broke it off with my not-b/f on Wednesday night...
Sunday morning I got up early and drove to downtown Little Rock for an AASIS training class.
I ate cheap sushi with my impromptu class friend, Sarah.
I passed my AASIS class with a 100 on my test.
I drove home (to Jonesboro).
I went to visit Evan (and friends) at his house, and took comfort in being around friends.
I had lunch with Katie and laughed a lot.
I had an awkward visit with Brian, which included watching Aeon Flux in complete silence.
Got invited to a birthday party for a guy friend of Katie's and her boyfriend's, for the sole reason that I am a friend, as well as single and female.
Though the night started out awkwardly, I ended up having fun at the party.
Apparently I am "hot," but I agree with Carl (another friend/party-goer) on the subject of the shy birthday kid (and yeah, not really a kid):
Yeah, it wouldn't work out.
Like I said, I'm just taking comfort from being around friends.
I got home past three, near to four last night.
I'm about to jump in the shower.
Evan will be here in two hours to pick me up and take me to where he and his friends are camping out.
:)  I'm looking forward to it.

Still haven't gotten any work done... Maybe I ought to take my French or something to the camp tonight to work on it.

Anywho...  I hope Joe's having fun out of state, and I hope Julie and Laina are having fun with their fams.  Btw, Julie, I introduced my mom to la musique de Rilo Kiley.  She really likes her!  :)

Off to shower.  Update later?  Perhaps.

14 October 2008

The Lone...Dalek?

I'm debating whether I want to stay up and study for a test I have tomorrow at 6, or sleep now.  I think sleep may just win out.  I've been sleep deprived for the past couple of weeks, probably the past month.  Tonight should be the last late night for the rest of the week, I think.  I'm terribly thankful for that...

I totally made a reference to Doctor Who in my Honors journal tonight.  Yeah, I'm just that cool.  Or obsessed.  I really hope I get at least some Doctor Who for my birthday this year.  I'm quite deprived.  :/

Okay.
I thought I had something to say, and now I can't remember what it was.
Maybe later.
kthxluvubai.


07 October 2008

It's not as if the sun won't shine when clouds above wash the blues away.

Like Julie, and probably every other student at UCA today, I'm coming to the realization that this week (and a half) bites.  And not in a good way.  I'm trying to stay on top of things and not get too stressed, but it's right on the edge of things... An annoying little itch that tells me everything could fall apart on a pindrop.

I joined a pretty tough quintet yesterday on a favor for a friend, and I'm regretting it already.  My first rehearsal with them is tomorrow, and I'm not ready for it-- I just got the music yesterday.  Our competition is on November 1st.  Death, anyone?  Haha.  Lucky for me, though, this means I won't have to do a jury this year.  But it doesn't mean I don't have to start practicing harmonic scales for spring tryouts.  :/  Sigh.

I've also got a painful talk in my near future.  I'm walking around in a haze when I'm alone, kind of denying that it's happening.  I don't want it to happen.  I resent that it has to.  Again:  sigh.  Of course.

There are some things I'm looking forward to in the near future, though.  I'm going home next week, on Thursday.  I'll be there for a few days, catching up on sleep, spending time with my mom, Evan, Amy, maybe Katie, and whoever else.  Probably having an awkward encounter with Brian, too.  Awkward?  Awkward.  And a week later, I'm going on an all-expenses-paid road trip with Phil and Rick (awkward? awkward.) of the Honors College and a few other students to the annual National Collegiate Honors Council in San Antonio.  Just about two weeks after that is Family Day (my mom will be in attendance!), my 21st birthday, and all sorts of wackiness.

For now, however, all hail the season of midterms.  Let's sigh for a third time.  Sigh.  Amen.

02 October 2008

My animal is the koala.

It's getting easier to deal with being alone when I shouldn't be (if that makes any sense).  A couple of weeks ago, I was an absolute mess.  I guess it's just when... when your heart breaks and rebreaks a hundred thousand times over things you can't really deal with openly, self-preservation can't help but kick in.  I tried for a long time to make this one different, to keep myself from putting distance between us like I always seem to do.  And for a long time, I did pretty well.  But the insecurity and unease was eating me away with about the same effects as hydrofluoric acid.  In short:  painful.  So... it really just fills me with this horrible, heart-sinking sadness, now that I know things have probably passed the point of no return.  I had such high hopes... I thought I'd really encountered someone who could get me.

Aie, me.  I'm just so tired.  Batter up?...  I think I'm going to sit this one out.

It's all the same.

I've talked to an ex-friend of mine from high school a few times since coming back to school this semester.

It's an odd situation to find myself in, falling back into the old patterns of give-and-take teasing with him.  In some ways, when I talk to him, it's as if nothing's changed.  We might as well be back in 2005.  In this manner, I realize how easy it would be to let myself be taken in by nostalgia.  It happened before.  It's in danger of happening now.

Of course, I'm much stronger now than I was two years ago, and the mistakes I made then were made by someone less secure about her own identity.  So when I told him I would go see him when I came home in a few weeks, I did so knowing I would be able to take care of myself.  And I will be.  I am an infinitely different person now than I was when I last spent alone-time with him.  It'll be pretty apparent.  He, on the other hand, doesn't appear to have changed much at all in the past two years, which is rather sad.

Anyway... I just wanted to write something about that.  I'm feeling pretty ambivalent about coming face-to-face with him again, especially given some of the stuff he's said to me.  He acts as if nothing happened before, which will have to stop.  We never actually had an opportunity to resolve the issue.  Not that I really want to talk about it anymore.  Elua save me, all I need is to start that drama up again.  I just want it to be understood that I will not be falling into the same patterns as before.  

I am not his toy friend anymore, nor am I easy (contrary to what his ex-girlfriend tried to portray me as, evidently).  That needs to be clearly understood.