25 December 2008


Happy Christmas, world.  There's still a few minutes left of it here in Arkansas.  I think I'd consider this year's holiday season a pretty great one.  We spent Thanksgiving in Nashville with family, and now the family's come to us.  My brother came in on Monday, and my uncle (Johnny) and aunt (Dana) from New Jersey drove in on Tuesday.  It's been a pretty tame week.  Chris had to leave to go back to Mississippi after lunch today, and we all miss him.  But we have more family driving in to spend tomorrow with us, so that should be fun.

I didn't sleep too well last night... and not because I was excited about Christmas!  I did something last night that I probably should have done way back in October... I've just been too weak to do it.  When Laura first suggested it several weeks ago, I didn't know if I'd be able to, but last night I finally decided it was time to let go.  I didn't sleep well because of predictably (but rather vividly) sad dreams.  Weird, I know, but I think my subconscious was ritualistically letting go, too, or something.  Saying goodbye and all that.  I just know I woke up crying in the wee hours of the morning, replaying everything that happened in the dream.  I can't remember the last time I woke up crying... childhood?  Who knows.  Ah well.  It's over now.  Hello, new life.

Christmas morning, ahhhh.
I think the gifts I gave went over passing well, so I'm glad for that!

These are the most notable things I got:
  • Doctor Who Season 3 (thank you, Chris!!)
  • Sephora Brand Ultimate Blockbuster - Collector's Edition Palette + lip repulpant gloss (thanks Mom!)
  • Heatable Aromatherapy Booties (I'm SERIOUS, you heat them up in the microwave and put them on your feet!)
  • Handmade scarf and hat set
  • Hoodie from Hawaii
  • iPod to FM converter for my car

Chris also gave me my birthday present the other day, which was a new orange iPod nano.  Very cute!  

I'm house/pet-sitting for some family friends this weekend and part of next week.  Good thing, too, I need the money.  :)

Also:  my mom is taking in a 15-yr-old German exchange student for 10 days after the New Year.  ...Kinda weird, and I get the feeling I'm going to be the one trucking the girl around trying to entertain her.  But it should be fun, I guess.

Well, that's about it!  I hope everyone's Christmas (or winter-time holiday) was fantastic and brilliant and all that!


14 December 2008


I've been back for several Sundays, but just now it's hit me how weird it is to come back to the church of my childhood for extended periods.  Talking to family friends about my future plans.  Explaining to concerned motherly figures why a recent venture into a relationship didn't work out.  Expressing general amiability to all and expounding on my gratefulness for being on break.

Coming to terms with being a senior.  How did that happen so quickly?

More and more these days, people seem to have a hard time recognizing me both in appearance and personality.  Odd enough for me:  have really I changed so much?  Perhaps I have.

Maybe that's why I'm suddenly so eager to get out and away, to be free to start something worthwhile and entirely my own.  The idea of being different is becoming more attractive as time wears on, I think.  I don't want to be unapproachable to the people who know me from my childhood, but... don't we all want it acknowledged that we aren't who we once were?  That we've grown up, and we have accomplishments to our name that are ours?  That we are just as valuable as we are now as we were then?  That we are worth knowing as we are now?

I have too much time to myself now that I'm home.  Please, someone, save me from idle contemplation.  This type of melancholic reflection can be the only product.

12 December 2008

everything's looking rose from here.

Well, friends.  Tonight I go back home.  Not for long, I'll be back in Conway next week for Julie's birthday.  But still... going home today represents the ending of this semester.

And thank Elua for that!

This was probably the worst semester of my college career.  Not because the classes were hard-- they weren't, compared to other semesters.  No... maybe it was because I was walking around with a broken heart for half of the semester, or that I was having to deal with friend or classmate drama for much of it.  Maybe it was because I felt overscheduled or stressed with no real way to relieve it.  I don't really know why; I just know it royally sucked.

Next semester has hope of being better.

Here is my class schedule:

Symphonic Band
Cognitive Psychology
Physiological Psychology
Principles of Sociology
Senior Honors Seminar (because yes, I will be a senior next semester)
Stage Makeup

That's right.  I'm taking Stage Makeup.  Trace will be in there with me, so that'll be fun times.
As soon as next semester is over, I'm quitting everything except for band/oboe and maybe Laughing Stock.  I have to.  I've put in my time for many different groups, and I want to be able to take a step back my last year.  I want to get a job, so I can start saving money for Florida.

This break, I will be reading and laughing and listening to good music and watching good movies.
It's going to be a time of renewal for me, and I am excited.

10 December 2008


When things like this happen, I admit I have trouble keeping my eye on the prize.

09 December 2008

some things about me.

Betimes I place myself in unneccessary predicaments, and I find myself wondering how I am supposed to get myself out of them.
I overthink things, overstress about things, and overanalyze my problems.
I worry too much about the thoughts and feelings of others without considering my own needs enough.
Often I allow myself to become unhappy, and I suffer through my self-imposed unhappiness in silence because I am ashamed or embarrassed.
I don't know if moving is going to help me get rid of these problems.  Probably not.  But I feel like moving could become a step toward resolving my issues with myself.

In the end, I just want to get away.  To start clean and to explore my own potential.  I know I can be better.  It just feels like I have to get away from here to do it.

01 December 2008

Worst skin ever.

This week, I've gotten massive breakout-age… and I've no doubt it's from all the stress I'm putting myself through. I looked in the mirror after removing the witch's makeup for my Macbeth performance today, and winced at all the lurkers and ugly blemishes covering my face. You just can't hide all that. Today was the worst day of the week, I think... I mean, it was definitely the longest. I don't know what's going to happen officially later this week, but here's to hoping things aren't too crazy.

Here's what I have to do tonight:

  • Town Hall Meeting – mandatory for Honors Council members, so I'll be there.
  • Council meeting – following the Town Hall meeting will be the "hearing".
  • 8 Government journals (for safety's sake. I need to get 8 done so I won't be overworked tomorrow).
  • Write up my part for the Artists' Statement – Honors project group
  • Start studying for Abnormal Psychology quiz

Ambiguous note of the evening: I am a little unnerved by something. Eh. I guess the topic of my French oral exam didn't help today. I'm just doing a lot of thinking.

Made 1st chair oboe, Symphonic band. That's good, it's what I wanted. Not too much work, but I still get to play more. Perfect for me. Plus, I have Kort and Amy in there with me. I'm just sad that Laurel and Anna can't be in there with us, too. C'est trop dommage. L

I'm really just trying to make it to the end of this week. Next week shouldn't be too bad. But… yeah.

What did I even start out wanting to write? I'm digressing like crazy here.