02 November 2008

sometimes my mind don't shake and shiver, but most of the time it does.

I find myself forgetting about things more and more easily these days.  You know, things I ought to be doing.  Journals for government and Honors, for example.  Studying for tests.  Practicing for lessons or upcoming auditions.  Preparing for upcoming events.  Organizing for group meetings I'm supposed to contribute to or lead.  As my time here at UCA runs shorter (just a little over a year left), my motivation to keep up morale has waned more and more.  All I can see these days is beyond.  I find myself planning for things that haven't even begun to happen.  Trying to find affordable apartments in Fort Lauderdale, New York, Atlanta.  Looking up job opportunities for makeup artists in those respective areas.  Looking for makeup jobs here in Conway or in Little Rock for in the meantime...

Katie, my high school bestie, got engaged last week.  It's strange thinking of any of my close high school friends being engaged.  I guess I partially imagined we would all be the way we always were until we were out of college and established (what does that even mean?) in the world.  How silly of me to be so naive!  I leave and come back to find Katie in love and engaged to a good guy.  And I'm so happy for her.  Plus, I get to be her maid-of-honor, which means I get to help her plan the wedding, something I love thinking about.  But some part of me-- the overthinking part, mind you-- can't help but pretend I'm planning my own wedding as I flip through bridal magazines and surf accompanying websites.  Some part of me wishes it was mine.

Ah, me.  :)  I envy Katie her happiness.  I hope she knows how lucky she is.

Not that the path I've chosen is less worthy or anything; I'm not knocking it at all.  I know where I want to be and how I want to get there...  and I know it's possible.  I'm not deluded enough to expect to be the next Carmindy or a winner on Blush:  The Search for the Next Great Makeup Artist, but I can dream.  And someday, somewhere, I'll have a husband and a family and a place of my own.

It's just the getting there that can become a little arduous.

Signing out to try to get some homework done--

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Aw, Beks. Cheer up. Take a drink of happiness!