02 October 2008

It's all the same.

I've talked to an ex-friend of mine from high school a few times since coming back to school this semester.

It's an odd situation to find myself in, falling back into the old patterns of give-and-take teasing with him.  In some ways, when I talk to him, it's as if nothing's changed.  We might as well be back in 2005.  In this manner, I realize how easy it would be to let myself be taken in by nostalgia.  It happened before.  It's in danger of happening now.

Of course, I'm much stronger now than I was two years ago, and the mistakes I made then were made by someone less secure about her own identity.  So when I told him I would go see him when I came home in a few weeks, I did so knowing I would be able to take care of myself.  And I will be.  I am an infinitely different person now than I was when I last spent alone-time with him.  It'll be pretty apparent.  He, on the other hand, doesn't appear to have changed much at all in the past two years, which is rather sad.

Anyway... I just wanted to write something about that.  I'm feeling pretty ambivalent about coming face-to-face with him again, especially given some of the stuff he's said to me.  He acts as if nothing happened before, which will have to stop.  We never actually had an opportunity to resolve the issue.  Not that I really want to talk about it anymore.  Elua save me, all I need is to start that drama up again.  I just want it to be understood that I will not be falling into the same patterns as before.  

I am not his toy friend anymore, nor am I easy (contrary to what his ex-girlfriend tried to portray me as, evidently).  That needs to be clearly understood.

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