31 March 2008

just watch my wildest dreams come true (and not one of them involving you.)

Well, after a load of drama concerning my preauricular pit infection, I finally went to the emergency room yesterday to have it looked at. Everyone on staff was very kind to me, and we did a lot of laughing. The doctor ended up having to lance the abscess on my ear to drain it-- I'd suspected they would have to do that, before I went. Despite the shot they gave me to numb me up, the procedure was still rather painful, and I almost passed out. Much to my dismay, hahaha. So they kept me horizontal for a while. In any case, my ear hurt loads and they had to bandage it up... but the doctor was nice enough to prescribe me some major pain medication, so I can't really feel much right now. I emailed all my teachers about not being in class today and maybe tomorrow, and they've all been super supportive about it.

The only drawback to this operation is that I have to go to an ENT (Ear Nose & Throat doctor) as soon as my infection clears up. Because apparently I've got a cyst on my ear that needs to be removed. That will be fun.

love! beks.

29 March 2008

so much for not complaining.

I've been meaning to write about something for a while now. Something's been bothering me... and while I know that in the long run, it isn't really that big of a deal... it still irks, and I have to get it off my chest.

A good friend of mine has recently just... stopped talking to me. I don't understand it. I haven't done anything at all to stop him talking to me... at least, I didn't think I had. We used to talk at least once a day. Now? I haven't heard from him in weeks, despite any attempts I've made to get him to speak to me. I didn't realize how much I'd counted on him, and it really surprises me. We haven't even been friends overlong, just this year.

But still. It hurts. I'm more than a little sensitive about this kind of crap.

26 March 2008

happy happy joy joy.

I feel like all I've been doing lately has been complaining, and I'm tired of it. I want to be more positive... I've been pushing myself further and further into apathy and depression, and I've got to stop.

So here's an attempt at being a happier person.

25 March 2008

don't tell me not to live, I've simply got to.

oh, my man, I love him so. he'll never know. all my life is just despair... but I don't care. when he takes me in his arms, the world is bright... alright, what's the difference if I say, "I'll go away," when I know I'll come back on my knees someday? for whatever my man is, I am his forever more.

aside from that bleeding-heart crap, I also feel the need to say that there is a chance my car will blow up soon. it's been screwy all night.

tomorrow I'm going up to my old high school to see some people. that'll be nice.

had an allergic reaction to something today, probably Sam, our icky cat (not China, my baby). I picked her up wearing a tank top today to throw her outside, and not 30 seconds later, my chest and arms were covered with big angry hives. ouch. benadryl suddenly became my best friend... and my worst enemy. zZzZzZzzz.

21 March 2008

you must have shattered on the runway.

Oh my stars, how I love you.
And it hurts me to see you in such pain.

17 March 2008

I'm going crazy. I must be.

Okay. So I'm about 89% sure I've got a problem.
Today I almost hyperventilated because I saw a new picture released from a movie coming out in December which is based on a book I really like. I don't know how to explain it. But my mind couldn't handle it. I was getting overwhelmed by a freaking picture. It was like part of my mind was moving way too fast and the rest just couldn't keep up. I wanted to scream, to tear my hair out, to throw something, to cry, to stop existing. It was physically painful. And every time I think about it, it happens again. Like a lump forcing its way out of my chest. I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't move, everything stops, and I'm stuck in my own hell of a claustrophobic in-between until something happens to pull me away to distraction.

God... I sound pretty psycho, don't I?

And the sad part is this has happened before. Same symptoms, same feeling of helplessness. I'm not in control. And I can't get in control. Was it a panic attack? Maybe. Ugh.

13 March 2008

orcs! and so far from orc-land...

As of today, I am officially vaccinated for meningitis.
I probably didn't need to get this vaccination, but the student health center reduced the price from $80 to $50 this month. I probably wouldn't have another chance to get it this cheaply, and as I kind of tend to get WEIRD illnesses, I know I would kick myself if I ever got meningitis in the future. And died. lol. Yes, I would kick myself if I died. I'd rather err on the side of caution than carelessness.

I'm going home this weekend.
That's right. Home. I haven't been home in 2 months. I just decided on a whim that I wanted to see my mom and my cat and my room, so I'm up and leaving Saturday morning/afternoon. It'll be a nice break.

FINALLY had a good oboe lesson today. Which means I finally practiced.

I have a large history test tomorrow, and my Psi Chi induction banquet tonight... Gotta find time to study! Meh!

♥. Bekah.

11 March 2008

you must have fallen from the sky.

I've been sick for the past several days, but I think I'm finally starting to feel whole again. My poor roommates, I feel for them. They had to endure through my wheezing and hacking all weekend. That's why I love them. Hehehe.

Last night, I went to Walmart with Laina, and I decided to buy a plant. I know, I know... Ugh. Haha. I can barely even take care of myself, much less a plant. MUCH less an animal. This is why I kill every plant I've ever owned, and my fish never last very long. I get it from my mom. She's terrible with plants, too.

But, you know, I'd like to have a garden when I have my own house. There's something very romantic and soothing about that idea. So humor me, ok?

Besides... I have this really... paranoid feeling that my negative expectations toward relationships (that sinking thought that it's over before it even started) is related to my negative expectations toward being able to take care of something. It's bothered me for a while now, and I guess it hearkens back to an idea I heard first on 28 Days. People out of rehab are encouraged to get a plant. And if they are able to keep the plant alive for a year, they are then encouraged to get a pet (probably a dog or a cat, though a fish would be hard enough for me, lol). And if, after a year, the animal is still alive and healthy, then they can have a healthy relationship.

Sure, it doesn't apply to everyone. And definitely not everyone can wait 2 whole years to be ready for a relationship. But god, I'm terrible at them. I kill them before they even start. And I'm sick of that.

So I bought a plant.

Lucky for me, it's a lavender plant, and apparently they're pretty hard to kill.

...Hahaha, just watch me end up killing it. (And my thought for if/when that happens: "I'm screwed.")

09 March 2008

fall 2008.

So I've been lining up my classes for this fall, and here's what I've come up with:

  1. Oboe (I don't think band counts as a credit)
  2. Strange Communities: The Secret Lives of Gangs, Monks, Wikifolk, and Other Unusual Tribes (Honors Junior seminar)
  3. Abnormal Psychology
  4. French Conversation and Composition I
  5. World Literature I
  6. US Government & Politics

Yeah. It really is that boring. I'm not looking forward to this fall's workload at all, save that it'll not be this spring's workload. I was really hoping they were going to be offering Stage Makeup in the theater department so I could maybe, possibly, hopefully take that, but no such luck. Hn.

05 March 2008

keeping up with the midterm grades.

I'm posting all my midterm grades here as I get them, regardless of good or bad results.

Band: (probably won't be posted)
Oboe: (probably won't be posted)
Honors IV: (probably won't be posted)
French II: A
World History II: A
Developmental Psychology: 100.0 A
Research Methods Lab: 97.0 A

04 March 2008

déjeuner du matin.

(Jacques Prévert)

Il a mis le café
Dans la tasse
Il a mis le lait
Dans la tasse de café
Il a mis le sucre
Dans le café au lait
Avec la petite cuiller
Il a tourné
Il a bu le café au lait
Et il a reposé la tasse
Sans me parler
Il a allumé
Une cigarette
Il a fait des ronds
Avec la fumée
Il a mis les cendres
Dans le cendrier
Sans me parler
Sans me regarder
Il s'est levé
Il a mis
Son chapeau sur sa tête
Il a mis
Son manteau de pluie
Parce qu'il pleuvait
Et il est parti
Sous la pluie
Sans une parole
Sans me regarder
Et moi j'ai pris
Ma tête dans ma main
Et j'ai pleuré.

03 March 2008

class canceled = love.

Honors is canceled tomorrow, which means I can sleep in for once. Today we had another I² day. Fabulous, it was really a lot of fun. I guess I just like being helpful in general. Plus, Phil humored me and let me sit in on his small-group session, which was good for several+ laughs.

I miss my cat.

If she weren't so darn talkative, I might have considered keeping her illegally in the dorm. Alas, alack... my baby's pretty social.

I totally began this entry with the intentions of making it great. Now I can't remember what I was going to say.

Quote of the night (this is for Joe and Julie's entertainment): "You remember that time when Bekah exploded?"