21 January 2008

long overdue.

I thought this was rather pretty.

We sat with the windows cracked in my beat up car, one late summer evening. We'd eaten and were stalling in the parking lot of an Andy's Frozen Custard. God, I loved your honest blue eyes and the way you'd look at me and smile as if you thought I was the most beautiful leaf on the vine. I was scared that night. I was scared because I was going to have to say goodbye to you. It was the right thing to do, wasn't it? I knew we couldn't be happy together while we were apart. Having tried that route before, I knew how disastrous it could end up. I was doing this for our own good. It took me ages to find the nerve to speak the words aloud, do you remember that? And my heart broke when you said you understood, when you sent me a message after I'd taken you home that night to make sure I was alright.

Two weeks later, I'd created my own hell with my thoughtlessness. I'd always prided myself on my conscientiousness. But this time not only had I lost you because I'd broken us for our own sakes, but because I was stupid, and I lost your trust forever. God, I hated myself. I wanted to tear my heart out and burn it for my foolishness. I didn't know one person's heart could break so often in so short a period of time. I should never have trusted him, but I did so want to. And because of him and my own accursed foolishness, things will never be quite the same between us again. I guess I'm okay with that, now. We're different people with different lives and different goals and different paths laid ahead of us. But I just wanted you to understand: if I did not love you well enough when we were together, I loved you even more when we were apart.

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