29 January 2008

a trip down memory lane.

The weather today was ridiculously windy. In the vortex that is the courtyard between New and Farris Halls, the skinny duo of friends we have, Joe and Julie, near well blew away! And died. Definitely near well died. So we decided it would be a good idea to fly a kite.

Moving on. This entry is dedicated to some old haunts and hobbies of mine. These date back as far as the year 2000.

The first one is definitely the oldest; I got this little bugger in sixth grade from a friend on ICQ. It's a little sheep that runs around on your desktop. You can pick him up, drop him, watch him eat, sleep, get abducted by aliens, and catch on fire. I took some screenshots of mine and pasted them into a single image here.

To get your own little stray sheep, just visit the SCMPOO website. Their site also gives some tips on how to play with your sheep and why he does what he does. :)

My next fad is a website called Kiwibox.

I was searching for some old usernames of mine on Goggle today, and I found this: find "beetrio", and you'll run across yet another incident to prove that I am, in fact, a loser. So after tracking down my old password and signing in, I discovered old friends, blogs, stories, and a life I had intentionally left behind for five years.

When I look back at all the stuff in my profile, yeah. YEAH. I can't help but laugh hysterically.

There were the journals that I regularly updated with sections of the book I was writing.

Elven Raiders was the title of "Ryeanna's Story," long ago when I actually set time aside to write.

I had several loyal subscribers to my stories.

They always left really nice comments on my novel.

And I even subscribed to some of my own.

I'd racked up a lot of "kiwipoints", but now that I think of it, I don't remember anything about what they're used for.

And it turns out that Julie, my roommate, had a Kiwibox, too! We were thoroughly enjoying going through our old haunt and laughing over stuff we said when we were fourteen. I mourn some of that stuff. Ha... yeah. Anyway. I might edit this later tonight or tomorrow, but then again-- hope you enjoyed the blast from my teenage past!

28 January 2008

what will be left when I've drawn my last breath?

As usual, but perhaps a little sooner than usual, I'm just trying to keep my head above water these days. Everyday I've got something new added to an already overflowing plate of responsibilities and plans and meetings and all this crap I shouldn't be bothered with but I am. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll be able to do it all.

But I have to. I have to.

I've been assailed with some rather disturbing (and secretly exciting) possibilities for my future.

I'm not going to drop out of college. There is NO question about that; egads, if I dropped out, I would never forgive myself. Besides, there's no point!

Still... maybe I'm not meant to do psychology. I don't know. I mean, yeah, I'm probably still going to get my BA in Psychology as planned. More than likely, I'm still going to get my Masters in counseling psychology, too. And maybe even go for the PsyD I've been wanting. But in the back of my mind, there'll always be an alternate future. Maybe one day. One day-- if I get all my little
duckies in a row.

25 January 2008

dr. who marathon!

There's dissension among the ranks, and I'm rather displeased. Gonna stay out of it.
I had to buy reading glasses last night, oh yes. I am now officially old for my age.
Our band director is absolutely ridiculous, and hell if I'm going to spend all my time practicing for freaking spring band. I'm not a music major. Bleh! *blows a raspberry.*
Freezing rain. Also bleh.

Today's good news, though, is that there is a Dr. Who marathon on all day!

24 January 2008

Ryeanna's Story

This is an excerpt from Ryeanna's story... I don't have a title for the story anymore, so for now it'll just be... "Ryeanna's story". Anyway. This is when she first meets Valimor, her extraordinary companion. Shiny!

She stared at the large golden eyes looking solemnly back at her. A cool intelligence was behind those eyes.

Are you afraid of me? a silky smooth voice caressed her thoughts.

No, she thought back. You are perfect.

A startling burst of warm colors filled her mind. Happiness? She regarded the cub gravely, but was amused to find a feline smile on his furry face.

As are you, two-legger. As are you.

Alan's voice broke her thoughts abruptly. "What will you call him?"

The name came to her lips before she could even give thought to the answer. "Valimor. His name is Valimor."

The cub purred in her arms and licked her hands. It would seem that he was pleased.

Alan smiled and reached out to tuck a lock of hair behind Rye's ear. "Do you like him?"

"Oh, Alan... he's beautiful." A rare smile came to light her eyes, and she squeezed his hand. "Thank you."

"Good. I am glad you’re pleased. Now… I have a few errands to run, so I’m leaving you two to enjoy each other’s company." He bent down and kissed her cheek. "I'll return later with dinner. Rest now."

Once he was gone, Rye leaned back against her pillows, gazing at the kitten in her lap. "How old are you, dear one?"

Older than you, a feline snort. My life is not gauged in your years.

"But you are so small!"

So were you, once. I was waiting for you to grow up. He nuzzled her fingers. Your thoughts are so sad. Why so, heart-sister?

Ryeanna sighed and drew the unresisting Valimor to cuddle under her chin. I have lost someone very dear to me.

Blues, cold and sad, filled her mind's eye. Your mate?

Yes, dear one. My mate.

The cub licked her chin and curled up beside her. We are Clan. Your pain is my pain.

Thank you.
She did not try to resist the tears that began to spill down her cheeks. Your friendship is most welcome.


Julie and I enjoy watching Shimmy on the FitTV channel when our other roommates are out. We happen to think we're the best belly dancers EVER. Yup. Actually, we really don't know what we're doing. But we like the hand movements and spinning around in circles like idiots. Yeah, we're cool.

My roommates are orchestrating a Heath Ledger marathon tomorrow and some of this weekend. Sunday is Joe's birthday! We're going to have fabulous fun, I know. ♥. He won't be a teenager much longer.

I had a nightmare last night, the first in a while; funny, because I was talking to Ryan about my nightmares before I went to bed. This one had pain and all, and it was really unsettling. Lots of blood. Oh well. I care to look at them with a speculative eye these these days rather than to become too affected by them.

I'll post more of
A Lady and Her Companion later if I have some free time, and maybe even some of my book about Ryeanna, the persona of my heart. Her story used to be called Elven Raiders, but the title doesn't really fit the tale anymore.

My schedule is busy to the point of stress these days. I'm just trying to keep my head above water; it helps I have such fantastic friends and family who support me.

Aie me.

I should get my stuff together and go on to my lesson now. Hearts all around to those reading this.

21 January 2008

A Lady and Her Companion

I've been going through all my old scribblings stored in my "Book Ideas" folder on this comp. Figured I'd share a little bit of what I've written... I've never gotten more than halfway through a book. And I have at least three I've started. Le freaking sigh. Hahaha. So... read this short clip if you like. It isn't really that good-- this particular story is several years old, and I only have two incomplete chapters. :p

It was just one of those days. Mama was grouchy, ready to snap at anyone who crossed her path. I knew that it was all just because of the wedding, and Ula’s departure. But even though I loved my elder sister dearly, I was glad to know that she was going. Fanchon Clothweaver was to come this evening, to stay until the wedding later in the week. So, naturally, our humble home was in an uproar.

“Maleah!” boomed the loud voice of Agnes, the kitchen stewardess. “Maleah, come help me with this roast.”

Sighing, I left the table where I had set up a basket of flowers and ribbon. I was in charge of the wreath making, for the candles on the table in the dining hall.

“Now, go get me that pot. No not that one, that one, Maleah! And be quick about it.”

I fetched the bowl filled with spiced wine and brought it over without spilling a drop.

“Good, good. Now, mind you, turn this spit while I take care of the bread dough.”

As I gripped the wooden handle and began to move the lever in its circular path, my thoughts went back to Ula. I wondered if she was as glad to get rid of me as I was of her. She probably was. My sister was the most quarrelsome, meddlesome, goat-flaming woman I’d ever had the misfortune of living with. It’s a wonder such a man like Fanchon Clothweaver wanted to marry her. All through my childhood, she had hovered over me, telling me what to do, what to wear, where to go… Inwardly, I felt relieved to be free of her contrary presence. It was a surprise to me that Mama did not feel the same way. Or at least, that’s how it appeared. Mama was always busy, making Ula new gowns befitting her new status of a merchant’s wife, or overseeing the cooking of the wedding cake. I rarely saw her these days without a deep frown of irritation on her face.

“Maleah, don’t let up! You’re daydreaming again. Can’t you pay attention to what you’re doing?” Agnes waved her wooden spoon in front of my face.

“Sorry,” I mumbled, returning to my work with little more fervor.

What if Ula was unhappy living in Fanchon’s house? She might come back. Oh, I hoped she would not come back. With her gone, I might even be able to resume my studies. Ula had always looked upon my letter learning with disdain— possibly because she never had the knack of memorizing them. In any case, she frequently found reasons to disrupt my work. And though she constantly claimed that these sudden tedious chores could only be done by me, I knew for a fact that they were envy-born, and any person with sense could carry them out quite easily without the help of a rather small fifteen-year-old girl.

I sighed and looked wistfully at my little flower-laden table. If Agnes kept me for too long, I would not be able to finish the wreathes…

The door to the kitchen opened and in strode my mother, in all her aged, noble beauty. Thick brown hair, streaked evenly with grey, was pulled loosely into a braided bun at the back of her head. Her eyes were aquamarine… nothing at all like my dark blues. Those eyes settled upon me, and my mother frowned.

“Hello, Mama,” I greeted her with a diffident smile, still obediently turning the spit until my arms started to ache.

“Maleah, what are you doing? I thought I asked you to…”

Agnes turned and interrupted my mother apologetically. “Sorry, milady. I recruited her to help with the roast…”

I had been watching my mother, rather than listening. The frown was still on her face. “Is something wrong, Mama?”

She blinked and shook her head, taking up in her hands a ring of deftly placed flowers from the table. “This looks good, Maleah. When you’re done with the meat, I’d like more. Can you do this for me?” Her eyes regarded me speculatively.

“Yes, Mama.” I had not faltered in my turning.

“Good. Lord Fanchon will be arriving this evening, remember. I’d like to see you in a clean gown before he comes, daughter. And get a maid to do something with your hair.” Offering just a tiny smile, my mother turned and swept out of the kitchen.

this band, it's new.

Ganked from Joe and Kim.

I created the best band EVER.

the band: o trem da morte.
the album: children and no theories.

To get your own omg amazing band album cover, follow these steps.
1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random The first article title on the page is the name of your band.
2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.
3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

long overdue.

I thought this was rather pretty.

We sat with the windows cracked in my beat up car, one late summer evening. We'd eaten and were stalling in the parking lot of an Andy's Frozen Custard. God, I loved your honest blue eyes and the way you'd look at me and smile as if you thought I was the most beautiful leaf on the vine. I was scared that night. I was scared because I was going to have to say goodbye to you. It was the right thing to do, wasn't it? I knew we couldn't be happy together while we were apart. Having tried that route before, I knew how disastrous it could end up. I was doing this for our own good. It took me ages to find the nerve to speak the words aloud, do you remember that? And my heart broke when you said you understood, when you sent me a message after I'd taken you home that night to make sure I was alright.

Two weeks later, I'd created my own hell with my thoughtlessness. I'd always prided myself on my conscientiousness. But this time not only had I lost you because I'd broken us for our own sakes, but because I was stupid, and I lost your trust forever. God, I hated myself. I wanted to tear my heart out and burn it for my foolishness. I didn't know one person's heart could break so often in so short a period of time. I should never have trusted him, but I did so want to. And because of him and my own accursed foolishness, things will never be quite the same between us again. I guess I'm okay with that, now. We're different people with different lives and different goals and different paths laid ahead of us. But I just wanted you to understand: if I did not love you well enough when we were together, I loved you even more when we were apart.

14 January 2008

life is for the alive, my dear.

I think I almost fainted this morning. I've been feeling a little unwell the past couple of days. But I got up right before my morning class, ate breakfast, and left for the morning. When I got back from my two classes and a short trip to the campus bookstore, I was so lightheaded I had to lie down. Pretty sure it was low blood sugar or something, though, because I ate an apple and felt a little better afterward.

Last night I made a very stupid mistake... hahaha... I had a Quia assignment due at midnight, so I was rushing to get it done. Last semester, all our Quia assignments for a particular chapter were due all at once, so I assumed these were the same. Ahem. They weren't. There were only three or four workbook and lab manual exercises I was supposed to do. I did all about 20 of them. I wondered why it was allowing me to still complete them long after midnight... until, when I finally finished, I realized there were different due-dates.

...Idiot. Haha.

My mother won Del McCoury tickets from NPR today. :) She's invited me to go see it with her on Friday, and I will! Yay for bluegrass.

Now for just a brief overview of my MWF classes, and then I'll go get some homework done.

French II: I think I'm going to have fun in this class. I really enjoy Madame Odekirk as un prof. She's very endearingly funny. And I feel like as she's actually French, she's going to challenge us a lot more. Which we need, in the end. Plus, I like listening to her talk-- her accent sometimes reminds me of my Hungarian friends' accents when they speak English.

World History II: The people in this class are pretty friendly, as is the teacher. The teacher actually reminds me a LOT of my Grandma Sue (my father's mother). Anyway. She's very thorough and makes History interesting. I think I'll like this class.

Developmental Psychology: I like Mrs. Booher (or Suzie), too. She's very laid back, and we rarely stay the entire class period. But I don't think that means we won't learn much. Just that she's a little more sympathetic. Or something. Not really sure, lol.

Symphonic Band: We're playing such fun music! Yay for that. 2nd chair isn't so bad; I wish my mother hadn't made a big deal about it when I mentioned it this weekend. She says I didn't tell her. ...I totally did. But I explained it to her again, "Mom, I'm not first chair this semester. I'm second." And she seemed to get flustered, asking why that was so. Ah well. I shrugged it off. There are more important things in life than being 1st chair oboe all the time. Besides, I get to sit in between two fun girls! Anna and Sarah. And Amy and Sally one seat further on each side. I have the best seat in the band. *Smile*.

That's about it for today. I've got a lot of reading I need to get done tonight, and some studying for tomorrow.

08 January 2008

again, again, again, again.

God, I hate myself sometimes. A lot of the time. I hate myself for my unhappiness, that no matter where I am or what situation I'm in or who I'm with, there's a pain that clutches at my chest and tells me I'm trapped, I'm not in control, I'm unhappy, I'm wide open. I hate that I'm a book so easily read. I hate that I can't let down my guards and that I'm too much of a coward to do anything about my unhappiness.

I disgust myself. Don't pay any attention to me.

04 January 2008

a silver thread on darkened dune.

How one human being can manage to infuse such... magic... into a piece of music is beyond even words to me. Eric Whitacre... marry me?

eyes of shadow water.

I finally got out of the house this evening; I think my mum was pleased with that. My friend Kristy and I had a pleasant evening watching movies, eating Chinese, and playing her Wii. I'm happy I'll have spent some time with someone before I head back to school on Saturday. I've only seen Katie a couple of times, and I haven't seen Amy at all. I did have lunch with Drew T. once, but I don't know if that counts as 'hanging out'. Ah well. All I can say is I've had an exquisitely restful break, and I'll be ready to go back into school full force. Good thing, too, since I have so much going on this semester. Ugh.

Here are my classes for this semester, and their hours:
  • Symphonic band
  • Oboe lessons
  • Honors core IV: Chinese humanities through taiji
  • World history II
  • French II
  • Developmental psychology
  • Research methods lab
On top of all that, here are some other important things going on:
  • Sophomore lectures
  • Honors ambassadors
  • Laughing Stock
  • Eric's movie
  • Statistics tutoring (officially... hopefully!)
  • Honors council
    • Livestock
    • Honors Ball? (possible)
  • Psi Chi inductions
  • Ireland preparations/TAG stuff
It may become a little daunting within the first few weeks, but I think things will turn out well. After all, I survived last semester, and that one was an absolute terror. *shudders*.

An old friend of mine, Cory, is supposed to drive up to Conway to see me on Saturday. He hasn't confirmed it yet, and if he doesn't tomorrow, I'm not going to count on it. We were thinking about going to the Greenwillis/bluegrass concert Saturday evening... ah well. If not, then I'll have some nice downtime at the dorm for myself.

That's all for now.
Off to catch some dreams.