25 December 2008

christmas!

Happy Christmas, world.  There's still a few minutes left of it here in Arkansas.  I think I'd consider this year's holiday season a pretty great one.  We spent Thanksgiving in Nashville with family, and now the family's come to us.  My brother came in on Monday, and my uncle (Johnny) and aunt (Dana) from New Jersey drove in on Tuesday.  It's been a pretty tame week.  Chris had to leave to go back to Mississippi after lunch today, and we all miss him.  But we have more family driving in to spend tomorrow with us, so that should be fun.

I didn't sleep too well last night... and not because I was excited about Christmas!  I did something last night that I probably should have done way back in October... I've just been too weak to do it.  When Laura first suggested it several weeks ago, I didn't know if I'd be able to, but last night I finally decided it was time to let go.  I didn't sleep well because of predictably (but rather vividly) sad dreams.  Weird, I know, but I think my subconscious was ritualistically letting go, too, or something.  Saying goodbye and all that.  I just know I woke up crying in the wee hours of the morning, replaying everything that happened in the dream.  I can't remember the last time I woke up crying... childhood?  Who knows.  Ah well.  It's over now.  Hello, new life.

Christmas morning, ahhhh.
I think the gifts I gave went over passing well, so I'm glad for that!

These are the most notable things I got:
  • Doctor Who Season 3 (thank you, Chris!!)
  • Sephora Brand Ultimate Blockbuster - Collector's Edition Palette + lip repulpant gloss (thanks Mom!)
  • Heatable Aromatherapy Booties (I'm SERIOUS, you heat them up in the microwave and put them on your feet!)
  • Handmade scarf and hat set
  • Hoodie from Hawaii
  • iPod to FM converter for my car

Chris also gave me my birthday present the other day, which was a new orange iPod nano.  Very cute!  

I'm house/pet-sitting for some family friends this weekend and part of next week.  Good thing, too, I need the money.  :)

Also:  my mom is taking in a 15-yr-old German exchange student for 10 days after the New Year.  ...Kinda weird, and I get the feeling I'm going to be the one trucking the girl around trying to entertain her.  But it should be fun, I guess.

Well, that's about it!  I hope everyone's Christmas (or winter-time holiday) was fantastic and brilliant and all that!

Cheers.

14 December 2008

idle.

I've been back for several Sundays, but just now it's hit me how weird it is to come back to the church of my childhood for extended periods.  Talking to family friends about my future plans.  Explaining to concerned motherly figures why a recent venture into a relationship didn't work out.  Expressing general amiability to all and expounding on my gratefulness for being on break.

Coming to terms with being a senior.  How did that happen so quickly?

More and more these days, people seem to have a hard time recognizing me both in appearance and personality.  Odd enough for me:  have really I changed so much?  Perhaps I have.

Maybe that's why I'm suddenly so eager to get out and away, to be free to start something worthwhile and entirely my own.  The idea of being different is becoming more attractive as time wears on, I think.  I don't want to be unapproachable to the people who know me from my childhood, but... don't we all want it acknowledged that we aren't who we once were?  That we've grown up, and we have accomplishments to our name that are ours?  That we are just as valuable as we are now as we were then?  That we are worth knowing as we are now?


I have too much time to myself now that I'm home.  Please, someone, save me from idle contemplation.  This type of melancholic reflection can be the only product.

12 December 2008

everything's looking rose from here.

Well, friends.  Tonight I go back home.  Not for long, I'll be back in Conway next week for Julie's birthday.  But still... going home today represents the ending of this semester.

And thank Elua for that!

This was probably the worst semester of my college career.  Not because the classes were hard-- they weren't, compared to other semesters.  No... maybe it was because I was walking around with a broken heart for half of the semester, or that I was having to deal with friend or classmate drama for much of it.  Maybe it was because I felt overscheduled or stressed with no real way to relieve it.  I don't really know why; I just know it royally sucked.

Next semester has hope of being better.

Here is my class schedule:

Oboe
Symphonic Band
Cognitive Psychology
Physiological Psychology
Principles of Sociology
Senior Honors Seminar (because yes, I will be a senior next semester)
Stage Makeup

That's right.  I'm taking Stage Makeup.  Trace will be in there with me, so that'll be fun times.
As soon as next semester is over, I'm quitting everything except for band/oboe and maybe Laughing Stock.  I have to.  I've put in my time for many different groups, and I want to be able to take a step back my last year.  I want to get a job, so I can start saving money for Florida.

This break, I will be reading and laughing and listening to good music and watching good movies.
It's going to be a time of renewal for me, and I am excited.

10 December 2008

failure.

When things like this happen, I admit I have trouble keeping my eye on the prize.

09 December 2008

some things about me.

Betimes I place myself in unneccessary predicaments, and I find myself wondering how I am supposed to get myself out of them.
I overthink things, overstress about things, and overanalyze my problems.
I worry too much about the thoughts and feelings of others without considering my own needs enough.
Often I allow myself to become unhappy, and I suffer through my self-imposed unhappiness in silence because I am ashamed or embarrassed.
I don't know if moving is going to help me get rid of these problems.  Probably not.  But I feel like moving could become a step toward resolving my issues with myself.

In the end, I just want to get away.  To start clean and to explore my own potential.  I know I can be better.  It just feels like I have to get away from here to do it.

01 December 2008

Worst skin ever.

This week, I've gotten massive breakout-age… and I've no doubt it's from all the stress I'm putting myself through. I looked in the mirror after removing the witch's makeup for my Macbeth performance today, and winced at all the lurkers and ugly blemishes covering my face. You just can't hide all that. Today was the worst day of the week, I think... I mean, it was definitely the longest. I don't know what's going to happen officially later this week, but here's to hoping things aren't too crazy.

Here's what I have to do tonight:

  • Town Hall Meeting – mandatory for Honors Council members, so I'll be there.
  • Council meeting – following the Town Hall meeting will be the "hearing".
  • 8 Government journals (for safety's sake. I need to get 8 done so I won't be overworked tomorrow).
  • Write up my part for the Artists' Statement – Honors project group
  • Start studying for Abnormal Psychology quiz

Ambiguous note of the evening: I am a little unnerved by something. Eh. I guess the topic of my French oral exam didn't help today. I'm just doing a lot of thinking.

Made 1st chair oboe, Symphonic band. That's good, it's what I wanted. Not too much work, but I still get to play more. Perfect for me. Plus, I have Kort and Amy in there with me. I'm just sad that Laurel and Anna can't be in there with us, too. C'est trop dommage. L

I'm really just trying to make it to the end of this week. Next week shouldn't be too bad. But… yeah.

What did I even start out wanting to write? I'm digressing like crazy here.

24 November 2008

I’m just bad news: 100th Entry

Happy 100th entry, Blogger!

And boyo, do I have some awesome stuff to write for this one.

I'm going to start this off by saying I had a great weekend. For reeeeal. Laina, Jules, Bethany, and I all drove to Fort Smith on Friday afternoon. Her fam took us out to eat, and we went to see Twilight. Yeah, yeah, go ahead and judge, hahaha. We'd made a commitment to go, so I guess we had to. We got to the theater two hours early, though, so we were first in line. Def. It was pretty rad, because people would come in and stand behind us. …Well, it was pretty rad until these three bieyawcheng, peroxide-stained, leather-tanned girls line-jumped us. …I'm so serious. We were first in line, and they line-jumped us. How dumb can you be?? For real. We didn't say anything to them, but everyone in line behind us was getting pissed, too. Especially when the girls started complaining amongst themselves that there were some other people trying to line-jump them. Ugh. Idiots. We won out in the end, though. I'd been watching the ticket boy, and the second I saw his superior give him the green light to start taking Twilight tickets, I shoved Julie past the girls to the front again. Beth and Laina were pulled through the middle of the girls, which didn't please them at all. They spouted some snide remarks, to which we cheerfully cried "Thanks!" and ran away. Mature, I know, but what can you do? ;)

The movie was okay. Just that, okay. Julie put it well when she said it was the Reader's Digest version of the book. The colors and artistic aspects of the film were nice, but everything else was lackluster. I just hope they work a little harder to make the next movie more accessible as a movie and not a summary of what Meyer wrote. Just my opinion here, though.

On Saturday, we ate dinner in Rogers and shopped, then went to what was probably the best concert EVER. The Punch Brothers (featuring the late Nickel Creek's very own Chris Thile!) came to the Walton Arts Center in Fayetteville. I was practically bursting with excitement when we arrived, even despite the exceptionally disgusting Irish coffee I had at the Common Grounds coffeehouse beforehand.

The minute Chris and the rest of the band walked out on stage, we screamed and mad applause erupted… and Julie screamed, "I love your hair!" The little snot was loud enough for them to hear, hahaha. And Chris laughed and said he could sense sarcasm a mile away. We were tote serious, though. The violinist disputed that the comment was for Chris, of course. ;) It was pretty funny, and each time they came back on stage after breaks, a new person would yell that they loved Chris's hair. Ah, love. The concert was HAMAZING. The music was beautiful. Perfect. Chris's voice is every bit was gorgeous in person as it is on his recordings. And the rest of the band was incredibly talented. I was floored by the talent in the room.

After the concert, we got in line for autographs in the lobby, staying near the back. The amount of shaking I suffered was pretty much directly related to the proximity to Chris. I about died when I stepped up to the table, finally, and noticed his eyes were on me. "Hi…" I began. "My name is Bekah… um… and I have been a fan of your music for many years…" I lamely asked him to sign my CD booklet from his "How to Grow a Woman from the Ground" CD, and he obliged, writing "Thanks Bekah!" and signing. When Julie's turn came, however, she introduced herself as the girl who liked his hair. And got to run her fingers through it. His hair, I mean. AGHHH I died of jealousy right there, haha. She and the band seemed to be pretty buddy-buddy, and I was just basking in the proximity to one of my idols from waaaaaay back to junior high school.

Oh, and we managed a picture with Chris. Here y'are. I'm supposed to be getting two more from a very nice guy named John who took pictures of us with his own, much better, camera. I'll post those when I get them.


There's more stuff to say, but that stuff can wait 'til later. I'm just glad it's almost Thanksgiving! I get to see family (save a few, including my big brother *sigh*) and relax for a few days. ♥.

Later! -- Beks


 

16 November 2008

a holiday for hanging.

This weekend has been pretty amazing.  I mean, freakish amounts of work aside, it's been pretty amazing.  Friday night was dinner at Fuji's and the new James Bond movie.  I even got flowers out of the deal.  :)  We came back and baked two pumpkin pies from scratch.  Well, the filling was from scratch.  The crusts tote weren't.

Saturday, I slept in until about 1:00pm.  I didn't really get much accomplished except for painting my nails and finishing up my TAG proposal for the New York trip over Spring Break.  I really hope I get a good chunk of the cost for that.  It'd be so awesome to go!

I had my birthday dinner on Saturday night at Michaelangelo's.  I spent too much money, but it was worth it.  I had fettucini alfredo with penne pasta and shrimp and a Godiva Chocolate Martini.  The latter was incredible, haha.  It was like drinking chocolate milk, but with a bite.  Definitely worth the $8.00 you have to pay for it.  Laura and Ashley didn't get to make it to the dinner, so it was just Laina, Julie, Derrick, Trent, Joe, Alycia (whose birthday we were also sort of celebrating!), and Ryan.  My beautiful friends bought me Season Two of Doctor Who!  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.  Let the fangirl-dom ensue.





I've just got lots of work to do now.  Two tests to study for, a research paper, an audition to prepare for, a jury piece to work on, and two group projects to help organize.  Not too stressed, am I?  Oh, and about fifty bajillion government journals I'm behind on.  WAHHHH.

12 November 2008

Happy 21st.

Even though my 21st birthday royally sucked, I've come to realize I still have friends who love and care about me.  So I guess things will be okay.

10 November 2008

salut? salut. mes courses.

My schedule for next semester is set:

  • Oboe Lesson (1 hr)
  • Symphonic Band (1 hr, though we rehearse 3 hours a week)
  • Cognitive Psychology (3 hrs)
  • Physiological Psychology (3 hrs)
  • Principles of Sociology (3 hrs)
  • Senior Seminar:  Issues in Global Economics and Environment (3 hrs)
  • Stage Makeup (3 hrs)

It should be an interesting semester... technically I'll be a senior (hence the senior seminar).  I'll be spending a lot of time in Snow and Mashburn.  Wahh... not look forward to all the upper division classes.  With luck, Stage Makeup will be the escape I hope it's going to be!

Joe, I'm gonna miss you next semester.  :(  Don't forget about us.  ♥.

funny men.

I'm sitting in the Forum at the moment... I had to finish a government paper, and now I need to run over to Snow Fine Arts to (a) listen to a Paradise Lost reading, and (b) practice for my lesson.  GEEZ I have too much to do.  I have to memorize my harmonic scales, practice for an audition later this week, and rehearse with my jury accompanist.  That's just for band, I'm afraid... I've got loads else to do.  Tomorrow's my birthday, but I'm willing to post-pone the excitement for the weekend.  It just doesn't feel like I'm 21 anyway.

Alli came and showed me her mock Watchmen trailer for Laughing Stock.  We filmed it last night.  AHHHH it looks awesome!  Definitely cool.  I'll post a youtube link once she uploads it to the site.

05 November 2008

I hope you meet someone your height so you can see eye to eye with someone as small as you.

It's amazing how petty some people can be.  A former friend who spread some nasty rumors about me in middle school, blaming them on one of our friends, indirectly attacked me last night after I replied to a mean status she had posted on FB in reaction to Obama's election.















She deleted my "Wow, **** (her name)." comment and wrote the last update.  Pretty silly.  I thought we were out of high school.  I probably should have resisted, but I sent her a message telling her I respected her political views, but I didn't appreciate the alienating comment.  She blew up, went full-on defensive, trying to start up a who's-the-better-person match and saying I personally insulted her by writing that on her wall.

I didn't know "wow" was so insulting.

Anyway, I replied with a concilatory, but firm statement of why I said what I did, why what I said wasn't an insult, told her that whatever personal differences we might have had nothing to do with my comments, and then said I was leaving it at that.

She told me to stop trying.  So I deleted her, no big deal.  I knew it wasn't going to end well, but still.  It just pisses me off when people are so stupid.  When indoctrination and personal beliefs get in the way of being an actual human being.  When people who label themselves as religious examples in whatever manner lash out with nasty comments and hateful retorts.  Those people I cannot abide.

04 November 2008

A Moment in History

You know what pisses me off? People who are being douchebags about the whole election. People I love and have a lot of respect for are stooping to act like idiots, showing gross negativity toward our next president and the election results.  Americans should be looking forward and standing together... regardless of which figure the people voted into office.

Quotes like these:

___________ is AWAITING 2012 IF we make it there without the poor taking over! Goodbye AMERICA, yes that will probably be taken away too.
________________ is thinking that the free world that our citizens have fought to keep is coming to an end.
________________ is upset--- USA has a president by the name of Barak Hussein Obama! That ain't right!
________________ is ready to go on a 4 year vacation to another country...
________________ is glad her real citizenship lies in heaven...
________________ is crying.
________________ hopes all you people who voted for Obama because is was the cool thing to do are happy, as for those who think for themselves I feel your pain...
________________ thinks this country just made the worst decision of its life...at least now the Dems can't blame Republicans when it all goes down the drain...

The list continues on.
I just hope these people can heal the rifts they're creating by degrading and ignorant words.
And me... I'm only happy the election is over, and we can get on with our lives.

So congratulations, President Obama.  McCain, you have my respect.

UPDATE:  Pettiness reached a whole new level when the girl who spread rumors about me in middle school indirectly attacked me via status update.  Will write more on this later.

02 November 2008

sometimes my mind don't shake and shiver, but most of the time it does.

I find myself forgetting about things more and more easily these days.  You know, things I ought to be doing.  Journals for government and Honors, for example.  Studying for tests.  Practicing for lessons or upcoming auditions.  Preparing for upcoming events.  Organizing for group meetings I'm supposed to contribute to or lead.  As my time here at UCA runs shorter (just a little over a year left), my motivation to keep up morale has waned more and more.  All I can see these days is beyond.  I find myself planning for things that haven't even begun to happen.  Trying to find affordable apartments in Fort Lauderdale, New York, Atlanta.  Looking up job opportunities for makeup artists in those respective areas.  Looking for makeup jobs here in Conway or in Little Rock for in the meantime...

Katie, my high school bestie, got engaged last week.  It's strange thinking of any of my close high school friends being engaged.  I guess I partially imagined we would all be the way we always were until we were out of college and established (what does that even mean?) in the world.  How silly of me to be so naive!  I leave and come back to find Katie in love and engaged to a good guy.  And I'm so happy for her.  Plus, I get to be her maid-of-honor, which means I get to help her plan the wedding, something I love thinking about.  But some part of me-- the overthinking part, mind you-- can't help but pretend I'm planning my own wedding as I flip through bridal magazines and surf accompanying websites.  Some part of me wishes it was mine.

Ah, me.  :)  I envy Katie her happiness.  I hope she knows how lucky she is.

Not that the path I've chosen is less worthy or anything; I'm not knocking it at all.  I know where I want to be and how I want to get there...  and I know it's possible.  I'm not deluded enough to expect to be the next Carmindy or a winner on Blush:  The Search for the Next Great Makeup Artist, but I can dream.  And someday, somewhere, I'll have a husband and a family and a place of my own.

It's just the getting there that can become a little arduous.

Signing out to try to get some homework done--
Bekah.

27 October 2008

J-j-j-jaded...

Yeah... so we had a shooting at our school last night.  It's really bizarre to think that something like that could happen here in "quaint" little Conway.  Even more bizarre to imagine two people were hurt and killed at a place I pass by daily.  It's an alleyway between one of the older dorms and the fine arts center.  I cut through there to shave some time from my morning pedestrian commute to class on the other end of campus.  My friends and I call it the "Rape Cave"... mostly because it's dark and kind of shady-looking.  How ironic the shooting happened there.  Two boys were shot and killed, both UCA students, a third (nonstudent) merely injured and still alive.  There's been talk the incident was gang-related, and that's entirely possible.  We don't think it was random.  It was a driveby shooting, not a mentally unstable kid coming into class with a handgun.

I don't know how to feel about the situation, honestly.  I found out last night not long after we heard all the sirens... Laina and Julie and I were watching Poltergeist when Drew Branscum sent me a text message to stay inside with the doors locked, that there was a shooting on campus.  We hunkered down and began spreading our own word to friends and family.  Whatever you may hear on the news about us getting an alert about the situation before 10pm is a lie.  The incident happened around 9:15pm, but we weren't sent emergency emails until after 10pm.  Mine came in at about 10:20pm.  The UCAPD Website and the Emergency Hotline also failed to supply warnings/alerts until about that time or later.  There is considerable unrest on campus about the complete lack of information students were supplied last night.   Some didn't even know about it except through Facebook status updates.  I wouldn't have known about it until our RA came to talk to us after 10pm if Drew hadn't texted me.

I guess the bottom line is that while I'm fine and my friends are fine, we're all a little unnerved about the way things were handled.  My heart breaks for the students' families that now suffer the loss of their sons and brothers.  My heart is also breaking for this school, that I love.  It will recover, but at this point, I just don't know how.

Jaded,
Bekah.

23 October 2008

alive.

So, as usual I'm crazy stressed out, but again-- that's usual.
I lost my iPod, and my computer's about to call it quits.  It's either a really invasive virus that affects my browser, or my hard drive is about to melt.  Either way, I ended up just ordering another hard drive.  I can't afford a new computer right now, so a new HDD should hopefully tide me over until I can get a refurbished Macbook next summer.  Cross your fingers!  The good news is the company I bought it from on eBay was SUPER prompt about sending it.  They shipped it the next day, so it should arrive in Jonesboro next week!  I won't be without a working computer for long.  Thank.  Elua.

All the stress aside, I'm leaving today for San Antonio.  It should be a pretty fun trip, I'm excited about going.  I guess a good thing about being over-involved (with Honors) is people take notice sometimes.  And I get a break like this.

Sweeeeeeeet.

Anywho.  I'll be back the wee hours of Sunday morning.  Cheers.
ily.
Beks!

18 October 2008

More Adventurous

Well, my break has been interesting so far, to say the least.
I broke it off with my not-b/f on Wednesday night...
Sunday morning I got up early and drove to downtown Little Rock for an AASIS training class.
I ate cheap sushi with my impromptu class friend, Sarah.
I passed my AASIS class with a 100 on my test.
I drove home (to Jonesboro).
I went to visit Evan (and friends) at his house, and took comfort in being around friends.
I had lunch with Katie and laughed a lot.
I had an awkward visit with Brian, which included watching Aeon Flux in complete silence.
Got invited to a birthday party for a guy friend of Katie's and her boyfriend's, for the sole reason that I am a friend, as well as single and female.
Though the night started out awkwardly, I ended up having fun at the party.
Apparently I am "hot," but I agree with Carl (another friend/party-goer) on the subject of the shy birthday kid (and yeah, not really a kid):
Yeah, it wouldn't work out.
Like I said, I'm just taking comfort from being around friends.
I got home past three, near to four last night.
I'm about to jump in the shower.
Evan will be here in two hours to pick me up and take me to where he and his friends are camping out.
:)  I'm looking forward to it.

Still haven't gotten any work done... Maybe I ought to take my French or something to the camp tonight to work on it.

Anywho...  I hope Joe's having fun out of state, and I hope Julie and Laina are having fun with their fams.  Btw, Julie, I introduced my mom to la musique de Rilo Kiley.  She really likes her!  :)

Off to shower.  Update later?  Perhaps.

14 October 2008

The Lone...Dalek?

I'm debating whether I want to stay up and study for a test I have tomorrow at 6, or sleep now.  I think sleep may just win out.  I've been sleep deprived for the past couple of weeks, probably the past month.  Tonight should be the last late night for the rest of the week, I think.  I'm terribly thankful for that...

I totally made a reference to Doctor Who in my Honors journal tonight.  Yeah, I'm just that cool.  Or obsessed.  I really hope I get at least some Doctor Who for my birthday this year.  I'm quite deprived.  :/

Okay.
I thought I had something to say, and now I can't remember what it was.
Maybe later.
kthxluvubai.


07 October 2008

It's not as if the sun won't shine when clouds above wash the blues away.

Like Julie, and probably every other student at UCA today, I'm coming to the realization that this week (and a half) bites.  And not in a good way.  I'm trying to stay on top of things and not get too stressed, but it's right on the edge of things... An annoying little itch that tells me everything could fall apart on a pindrop.

I joined a pretty tough quintet yesterday on a favor for a friend, and I'm regretting it already.  My first rehearsal with them is tomorrow, and I'm not ready for it-- I just got the music yesterday.  Our competition is on November 1st.  Death, anyone?  Haha.  Lucky for me, though, this means I won't have to do a jury this year.  But it doesn't mean I don't have to start practicing harmonic scales for spring tryouts.  :/  Sigh.

I've also got a painful talk in my near future.  I'm walking around in a haze when I'm alone, kind of denying that it's happening.  I don't want it to happen.  I resent that it has to.  Again:  sigh.  Of course.

There are some things I'm looking forward to in the near future, though.  I'm going home next week, on Thursday.  I'll be there for a few days, catching up on sleep, spending time with my mom, Evan, Amy, maybe Katie, and whoever else.  Probably having an awkward encounter with Brian, too.  Awkward?  Awkward.  And a week later, I'm going on an all-expenses-paid road trip with Phil and Rick (awkward? awkward.) of the Honors College and a few other students to the annual National Collegiate Honors Council in San Antonio.  Just about two weeks after that is Family Day (my mom will be in attendance!), my 21st birthday, and all sorts of wackiness.

For now, however, all hail the season of midterms.  Let's sigh for a third time.  Sigh.  Amen.

02 October 2008

My animal is the koala.

It's getting easier to deal with being alone when I shouldn't be (if that makes any sense).  A couple of weeks ago, I was an absolute mess.  I guess it's just when... when your heart breaks and rebreaks a hundred thousand times over things you can't really deal with openly, self-preservation can't help but kick in.  I tried for a long time to make this one different, to keep myself from putting distance between us like I always seem to do.  And for a long time, I did pretty well.  But the insecurity and unease was eating me away with about the same effects as hydrofluoric acid.  In short:  painful.  So... it really just fills me with this horrible, heart-sinking sadness, now that I know things have probably passed the point of no return.  I had such high hopes... I thought I'd really encountered someone who could get me.

Aie, me.  I'm just so tired.  Batter up?...  I think I'm going to sit this one out.

It's all the same.

I've talked to an ex-friend of mine from high school a few times since coming back to school this semester.

It's an odd situation to find myself in, falling back into the old patterns of give-and-take teasing with him.  In some ways, when I talk to him, it's as if nothing's changed.  We might as well be back in 2005.  In this manner, I realize how easy it would be to let myself be taken in by nostalgia.  It happened before.  It's in danger of happening now.

Of course, I'm much stronger now than I was two years ago, and the mistakes I made then were made by someone less secure about her own identity.  So when I told him I would go see him when I came home in a few weeks, I did so knowing I would be able to take care of myself.  And I will be.  I am an infinitely different person now than I was when I last spent alone-time with him.  It'll be pretty apparent.  He, on the other hand, doesn't appear to have changed much at all in the past two years, which is rather sad.

Anyway... I just wanted to write something about that.  I'm feeling pretty ambivalent about coming face-to-face with him again, especially given some of the stuff he's said to me.  He acts as if nothing happened before, which will have to stop.  We never actually had an opportunity to resolve the issue.  Not that I really want to talk about it anymore.  Elua save me, all I need is to start that drama up again.  I just want it to be understood that I will not be falling into the same patterns as before.  

I am not his toy friend anymore, nor am I easy (contrary to what his ex-girlfriend tried to portray me as, evidently).  That needs to be clearly understood.

28 September 2008

The Love of a Mother II (fin)

“...Know you my son, Eoin?”  When the girl nodded, Aoife’s ghost continued.  “I have seen him here, and I have seen the way my husband’s parents treat him.  My daughter sends for him even now, but you must do me one great favor.  Spread word among the townsfolk that my husband’s parents are cruel, mean people, and let them know that they are not fit to raise their grandson.  A time will come when he will need the support of the town to lift him out of that pit.”

“I will do so,” said Bridget with a little bow of her head.

Satisfied, Aoife’s ghost moved on to see her son.  



Eoin, still quite young, suffered regular beatings under the hand of his grandfather.  That particular evening, he was lying awake in bed, weeping over his bruises, when the ghost of his mother appeared.  He nearly cried out in fright and roused his grandparents when he saw her, but her greeting was gentle, and finally he fell into her loving embrace.

“Don’t cry, my brave boy,” said Aoife in a tender, sad voice.  “Your sister, Liadan, is sending for you as we speak, and I will return to you every night until you go to her.”

After that, Eoin was able to bear the hardships of living under his cruel grandparents’ roof with more patience.  In town, rumors were circulating about Daniel O’Flaherty’s parents’ sins, and when the letter arrived from Liadan in America, ill will was rising against Eoin’s harsh, unyielding caretakers.

Reading the letter, the grandparents were loathe to let go of their good-for-nothing grandson, whom they had treated as little more than a servant over the past year.  Perhaps they could act as if they had not received the letter at all.

Luckily for Eoin, the ghost of Aoife had anticipated this, being clever even in death.  When Eoin overheard his grandmother’s shrill, unpleasant voice talking about how they would deceive their grandson, he did as his dead mother bid him and found Bridget in town.  He told her of his grandparents’ latest wickedness, and she went straight to work.

Later that day, when Eoin was washing dishes from the midday meal, there came a knock on the door. 

“Get the door, boy,” Eoin’s grandfather ordered.  Drying his hands on his shirt, Eoin crossed the room and did as he was told.  As soon as he saw what waited outside, a grin broke like dawn across his young face, and he turned to his grandfather.  “Grandda, it’s for you,” Eoin told him and took a step away.  His grandfather grumbled and pulled himself out of his chair to meander over to the door. 

Eoin’s grandmother appeared from the hallway at that moment with an odd expression on her face.  “I hear a commotion outside, Seamus, what is—” She never finished her sentence.  The sight of at least half the townspeople gathered outside their front door had shocked her speechless.  Bridget had done well; she stood beside the mayor, who wore a very stern expression on his wizened, bearded face.

“Seamus and Agnes O’Flaherty, get out here so that we might address you in open air, under the sight of God,” the mayor commanded severely, and Eoin followed his grandparents outside.  “Today the mailman delivered you a letter from Liadan, your granddaughter, did he not?”  When the O’Flaherty’s began to protest, the mayor cut them off instead by addressing Eoin.  “Eoin, boy, come here.  Let me see your arms.”  The mayor examined the boy’s arms, then his back, and tutted unhappily.  “See this?”  He indicated to the others with him the bruises on Eoin’s body, and there were angry murmurs.  The O’Flaherty’s looked around nervously.

“Eoin falls a lot, clumsy boy…”  Seamus O’Flaherty’s explanation only made the crowd angrier, for Eoin had a sweet disposition like his mother and was well-liked among the townspeople.

“You have treated this boy with cruelty, but no longer.  We know Liadan O’Flaherty has asked for her brother to join her.  You will let Eoin go to her immediately, or suffer the judgment of the entire town.”  The mayor’s words left no room for argument, nor did the expression on the townspeople’s faces.  For the first time since his mother and sister had left, Eoin’s heart was filled to bursting with happiness.

No one saw the ghost of Aoife O’Flaherty after that, not even her children.  Some weeks later, Eoin was reunited with his sister in Chicago.  Liadan had bought a small flat in town since their mother’s death, and she welcomed her little brother into their new home whole-heartedly.  They lived together in happiness for several years, and even after the two of them separated and moved on to families of their own, they forever honored the memory of their mother, who cared for her children even after her death.

As for the remaining, wicked O’Flaherty’s of Ireland, they left town not long after their public disgrace.  No one there would associate with them, so they sold their land to the first bidder and left Kinsale, never to be seen again.

27 September 2008

Julie and Bekah's Infinite Playlist

When I got back from watching The Pillowman in Little Rock with Patrick, Natalie, and Beth, Julie and I went to Walmart to get a couple of things.  It was about midnight already when we left.  Some pretty amusing stuff happened.

1.  We bought some shady stuff.
2.  We saw fog and followed it.
3.  We got in a dragrace with a guy in a black car with tinted windows.  Julie shrugged visibly at him, then waved during our second pass.  I think he was trying to show off.
4.  We outran the campus police.  ...I was speeding a little down Farris, and we passed a cop car going the opposite direction.  He turned his lights on not long after we passed him, and Julie and I, freaking out, pulled quickly in the parking lot and ducked, for fear that the car was turning around.  We got to the dorm unscathed.

I ate at Vino's before the play tonight-- excellent food!  Then we went to the play across the street at the Weekend Theater.  The rendition was pretty decent!  I was impressed.  Good acting, given the circumstances.  They done McDonagh good!  (pun tote intended).  After the play, we went to Barnes & Noble/Starbucks, got some dessert and coffee, perused and bought some books, and then accompanied B-e-t-h to the liquor store so she could buy some cider.

All in all, a good day.  :)

26 September 2008

The Love of a Mother I

I decided to start posting the two stories I wrote in Ireland this year.  The first I'm posting is a ghost story, called "The Love of a Mother," which is a rewrite of a tale about Mary Shea, called "The Dead Mother," which I found in Jeremiah Curtin's Irish Tales of the Fairies and the Ghost World.  So, without further ado, here is part one of "The Love of a Mother".



The Love of a Mother

By Bekah Baugh

Daniel O’Flaherty married Aoife against his parents’ wishes.  A placid, kindhearted creature with apple-red cheeks and strawberry-blonde hair, Aoife was well-loved by everyone save Daniel’s mother and father, who were formidable, cold people.  She made a home with her husband and two children, Liadan and Eoin, in Kinsale.  They had a modest house with a red door and green window boxes overlooking a lake on the far end of town.  Liadan was already a young woman, and Eoin was seven and full of innocent life.  Love thrived in the O’Flaherty home, and theirs was a happy existence.

Until, that is, Daniel fell.  He and Aoife were out for an evening walk when his foot slipped.  Their position was precarious, and before Aoife could react, Daniel fell to his death into a rocky ravine.  Naturally, Daniel’s mother and father blamed their daughter-in-law for their son’s death, and Aoife was stricken with grief.  Aoife was a gentle woman, and her heart ached that her in-laws suspected her.

The tension between Aoife and her in-laws grew until at last she told them, exhausted and heartsick, that she would leave Kinsale to make a new home in America with her children, if only the in-laws would provide the money for the trip.  In return, Aoife would gladly grant them the parcel of land she still kept.  The in-laws, being an altogether greedy couple, agreed and scrounged up as much money as they could.  In the end, though, they could only come up with enough money to send Aoife and Liadan across the ocean.  So with a promise to soon send for her son, Aoife took her daughter with her and boarded a ship for a new home and a new life.

For about a year, Aoife and Liadan took jobs as governess and nanny for a family in Chicago.  She and Liadan did well for themselves, and they soon had saved up a considerable amount of money.  Eoin would not be with his grandparents much longer.  But before she could call her son to her, Aoife contracted a fever and died.  Liadan was just old enough to claim independence, being the eldest of Aoife’s children, and so she used the money she and her mother had saved up and sent for her little brother in Ireland.

Two weeks after Aoife’s death, a girl was walking back to Kinsale from a visit to an aunt nearby.  It was evening, and the smell of summer-warmed wildflowers hung lazily in the air.  The girl, whose name was Bridget, turned a corner and came across the ghost of a woman standing in the road. The woman’s hair, a pale gold in death, wafted about her in shimmering strands.  Every part of her gleamed, and it seemed to Bridget the figure before her was not a threatening apparition.

“Evening, mum.  Who are you, and why are you wandering?”  Bridget asked her, unafraid.

“My name is Aoife O’Flaherty.  Do you know me?”

“You were Daniel O’Flaherty’s widow, were you not?”  The girl eyed Aoife’s glimmering figure speculatively.

“Yes, I was indeed.  You need not fear me.  I’ll do you no harm…  Know you my son, Eoin?”  When the girl nodded, Aoife’s ghost continued.  “I have seen him here, and I have seen the way my husband’s parents treat him.  My daughter sends for him even now, but you must do me one great favor.  Spread word among the townsfolk that my husband’s parents are cruel, mean people, and let them know that they are not fit to raise their grandson.  A time will come when he will need the support of the town to lift him out of that pit.”

“I will do so,” said Bridget with a little bow of her head.

Satisfied, Aoife's ghost moved on to see her son.

23 September 2008

The Halloween Lineup

The lineup for my Halloween costume this year has really turned into just that:  a lineup.

1.  Rose Tyler, either from "The Stolen Earth" or "Doomsday"


































2.  Jem and the Holograms.  At this point, I'm really not all that sure which one of the four I was supposed to be... Probably either the blue-haired or the purple-haired one.  This one, I'd be with Laura, Flora, and Amber.


















3.  Bella Swan.  I know, I KNOW.  Don't judge me, you weirdos lol.  My friend Trent asked me if I would be Bella so he could be Edward for Halloween.  This may or may not happen, but if it does, I can assuredly say it'd be my easiest costume ever.  I wouldn't really have to do anything, lol. 
















4.  The Andrews Sisters.  This was Julie's idea... prolly won't happen because of costuming issues, but we thought it'd be fun for Laina, Julie, and me.  :)



22 September 2008

Was he with you at the railway?

Finally I get to write about something other than being unhappy!  Today was super busy, but all-in-all?  Pretty great.

Classes went well.  I was a little scared in my US Gov & Politics class when we got our tests back from last week.  I got a much lower grade than I had expected to get, but when we went over the answers in class (without the Scantron sheets, though), I noticed that I'd only missed one question (we were told to circle our answers on our test papers the day of the test, so we'd be able to know which questions we'd missed).  So I spoke to the professor after class, and he checked up on it.  Turns out I was right-- thank goodness.  So my grade is still safe.

Also, I'd given my [beautiful] oboe to Dr. Duso last Friday to take to a guy in Hot Springs to be worked on this weekend.  I've been having a few problems with getting my low register to speak, as well as my Bb key sticking occasionally.  I was delighted to get my horn back today repaired and sounding like new.  It has a completely different personality now, would you believe it?  Definitely darker, smoother, more confident.  I.  Loves.  It.  Dr. Duso told me to tell her if I ever wanted to sell it.  :p  I don't know if that'll ever happen.  I love my Lorelei too much.

Might have picked up another gig, too, playing the Messiah in Pine Bluff in December... the day after my already scheduled gig in Blytheville!  I'd be traveling a lot that weekend, but I think it'd be awfully fun.  Plus, Andrew said they might pay for a hotel for me in Blytheville if I took on the job.  We'll see.

I suppose that's it for the day.  Just wanted you guys to know I'm not all doom-and-gloom.  Just really had an off-time this weekend.  I'm trying to push through all that.  :)

20 September 2008

the day.

Though the first part of the day was filled with absolutely nothing, I'm happy to say the second part was a lot better.  When Julie got home, she and I went to Chic-Fil-A... then went to Target.  Where Julie and I proceeded to acquire some pretty awesome merchandise.

Me:

Soft-Bake sugar cookies
Makeup remover pads

Julie:

Newman-Os (Hint o' Mint)
Fig-Newmans
a John Candy 3-movie DVD (yep...)


After we left, Julie and I went cruising, windows down, 80's music blasting, dancing like fools.  It definitely made the day better.  We joined Lains and "Aarbear" to watch The Village and, of course, enjoyed making fun of it.  So while I may have been less than happy that I didn't get a call or anything today...  I'm okay.  Really, I am.

I love my friends.

19 September 2008

a bunch of jibberish.

It's really hard to be taken seriously.  After all, what right have I to get upset when I'm not even "pinned" or anything?  It's stupid.  But, you know, whatever.  UGH, I don't deserve this...   Sometimes I consider just stopping and giving up.  It might be easier in the longrun... But Elua help me, I just can't do that.  I can't.  




That which I wished for at Blarney, I got... albeit imperfectly.



And what a fool it's made me!



Ah well, at least I have good friends to keep me company.  ♥.




15 September 2008

Peeved. Srsly.

Dear Blogger,

Yeah, the Pontiac got towed, and I have to pay $350+ because I just found out about it.  And my mom is pissed.  It's pretty shiny to get blamed for stuff I didn't know about.  Gawww.  Because my aunt told me I could bring it to that lot-- didn't know they were going to tow it.

Pardon me while I go wallow a bit.  It's not been my week.

Sincerely,
Me.

14 September 2008

don't you forget about me.

Sometimes I feel like my life'll never get started.
Watched P.S. I Love You tonight, and probably shouldn't have.
Now I'm listening to The Wailin' Jennys on Pandora.
I probably should be studying for Abnormal Psych or Government, but I'm feeling really apathetic.

My head cold has traveled to my lungs, so I've been hacking and wheezing like a big grosslie all weekend.  I'm sure my roommates appreciate that lots.  :p

I suppose what I'll do now is try to clean my room up some for the week ahead, bag up my trash (both literal and metaphorical), and try to read up for my classes tomorrow before I go to bed.  Couldn't hurt.

13 September 2008

Dear Blogger,

I've got the best friends anyone could ask for.

Sincerely,
Me.

08 September 2008

Always and always.

First illness of the year, one to be treated with vast amounts of juice, little round red pills, and chagrined patience.  I hope it clears up quickly.  I'm not pleased!

Other than that mess, I'm doing a lot better this week than I was last week.  The sunny days have helped, and I've got a likewise sunnier disposition at the moment.  I saw Geoff twice this weekend, spent way too much money out shopping with Julie, Monique, and Jessica, took Julie to church with me and let my church families buy us lunch, and got to have a smoothie and catch up with Ryan.  In all, a good weekend.

Finished Kushiel's Mercy.  I'm sad to see it done, but Elua, it was good.  Sooooo good.
Sigh.
And now on to my Honors reading.  Seriously.  There isn't a comparison.

04 September 2008

Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?

It's been a restive day.  Our fire alarm went off at about 7:45 this morning, and I doubt if anyone really paid attention to it.  There was no way I was getting out of bed 15 minutes ahead of schedule to go stand outside in the rain (if it was indeed raining-- I assumed so after our monsoon yesterday).

I got my excess aid check today and found it to be relievingly true to past numbers.  I should never pay attention to what those bills tell me a month before school, because they're never right.  This year they said I'd be losing about $900 a semester, and I was distressed because I live off of that money year-round.  Thankfully though, nem igaz.

Lunch with Laina and a psychology club meeting.  I came back to the room wanting to do something and feeling a little lonely, eventually falling asleep on the couch.  I think I napped for about 2 hours, and I feel much more rested now, but still.  There was stuff I wanted to get done today.  Deposit my check and acquire my other bookshelf from Fran's house, among other things.  Ah, well.  I've got to finish up my French homework and that Government journal tonight, too... and Julie, Laina, and I are going to see a movie in Little Rock at some point.  Maybe going to Pancake Night at Laurel's afterward.  It's supposed to be a busy night, but in all complete honesty, there's really just one thing I wish I could be doing right now.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me these days.  I seriously don't mean to be so moody, or whatever I've been.  I hate myself when I'm in a depressed mood.  I don't like to be down or pessimistic.  It goes against my nature.  I've been thinking a lot about it today and decided that maybe it's because I lack security in some points in my life at the moment, and that's causing me a lot of stress.  Making me anxious.  Making me second-guess myself when normally I would be sure.  Aïe, me.  Je ne sais pas.  C'est trop dommage, n'est pas?  Je ne veux pas être triste mais je ne sais pas ce que je peux faire.  Heh, get that French lesson in there.

On a lighter note, I've recently become a fan of Mute Math.  I don't know why it's taken me so long to figure out how much I enjoy their music.  Crazy me.

Complainte.

Sometimes I have dreams that set the mood for the entire day, and that can be frustrating.  What if I don't want to be depressed all day?  Wishing doesn't often help much, though.  Eh.  So much for that.

03 September 2008

There's something about Irish rain.

There's something about Irish rain.  It isn't like Arkansan rain.  See, in Arkansas, we learn to fear the rain.  Rain is malevolent, hurtful.  Rain in Arkansas is something to be wary of.  It brings floods and lightning and fearsome storms.

Where Arkansan rain is death, Irish rain is life.

It is a misting, a gentling, a soft hand caressing the face.  Though it can be a nuisance, I've never once feared the rain here in Ireland.  It's a benevolent presence, making green everything it touches.  In and under Irish rain, I am taken in.  Absorbed.  I am one with my heart, with my hopes and desires.

Irish rain inspires me.  It inspires pensive thoughts, gentleness, peacefulness, nonviolence.  Irish rain is the love in my heart, unrequited and sleeping.  Dormant.  It softens the earth.  Irish rain is mystical.  Walking through it is like walking through a dream.  Vision is mellowed.  Everything smells clean.

When I live in Arkansas, I don't particularly like the rain.  

In Ireland I love it.



I wrote that in my journal less than two months ago.
...
And oh, how I wish the rain here were more like Irish rain.
I.  Hate.  Arkansan.  Rain.
Wahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

01 September 2008

there's a kind of emptiness that can fill you.

Dear Blogger,

Sometimes I hate myself for my own insecurities because they are just that: insecurities. They're stupid. More often than not, they're unfounded. Can't help it, though. It's just me.

Anyway, I ended up having a good weekend at home. It was good to be with my mom. My aunt Kathy, Mom, and I went to O'Charley's for lunch after church on Sunday-- excellent food always. Always and always. (sigh.) After a nap, I hung out with Amy's fam Sunday night. We ate at Zaxby's (that's right, Julie. Yummm). Matt was being a sweet li'l brother (little only by name, as he's about a foot taller than I am, the giant kid lol) and keeping me warm. I miss that family awfully. I wish we lived closer together.

Amy and I "girl-talked" for a while before Matt interrupted us, and we all hung out for a bit before they drove me home. Today... was really just me reading and packing up. I was planning on seeing Geoff this afternoon, but plans often don't pan out. Ryle hira! So here I am back at the dorm. Jules and Lains are playing Lord of the Rings in the living room. :) Ah, roommate bonding. I think I'm going to get a quick shower before finishing up my honors homework. I feel like a big grosslie.

btw, my room is finally a little homier. I brought my bookshelf, more pillows, a few paintings, a chair, and a lamp. Finally starting to feel like my room. S'about time, too.

Elua hold you in his hands,
Beks

27 August 2008

again, again, again, again, again.

Dear Blogger,
Not even a full week into school, and I'm already stressed to the point of tears.
It's not supposed to be that way.
Sincerely,
Me.

24 August 2008

so why don't you slide?

Julie and I got in some good bonding time tonight. :p We were going to eat at Chic-Fil-A, and, um, it was tote closed. Duh, guys. It's a Sunday. So we went to Chili's next door instead. Yum. We split a combo of lime and pepper shrimp and margarita chicken. Very good stuff, yo.

Once again, I bought makeup today that I did not need, and yet wanted pretty badly. Story of my life. And my pocketbook.

I've been pretty worried about Geoff lately, and if he reads this, then meh! He's not been very assertive about seeing the doctor about his headaches, and I'm worried it's something more than just an ear infection... since his medicine doesn't really seem to be working its usual magic. If he doesn't get it taken care of, I might have to turn into Mom-Bekah and drag him to a doctor. He was a real sweetheart last night/this morning, though, and it might be a little too gushy to put this on my blog. Eh... read on at your own risk.

Managed to have a nightmare last night. This time it was a semi-apocalyptic type dream... fireballs raining out of the sky, destroying homes, buildings, lives, etc. People screaming, death everywhere, mayhem, mass destruction. That whole bit. It was disturbing enough to be able to wake myself up... but unfortunately it was also one of those dreams that grabs hold and doesn't let go. Whenever I'd fall back asleep, it'd pick back up where it left off, so I'd have to wake myself up again. I ended up texting Geoff, not really wanting to call and wake him up... and was pleasantly surprised he replied almost immediately. It was pretty much wee morning hours... and I think he was up because of his headache. But he stayed up with me and talked to me to make sure I was okay. Sweet boy.

Classes this semester are going to be okay, I think. MWF are freakishly busy, though... and I'm going to be working in Little Rock TTh. Only about 9 hours a week, unfortunately. Eh. Take out taxes from that, and it's not a very impressive paycheck. Laughing Stock will be fun this year, I think. I'm going to enjoy heading it up with Sam, who seems to have some great ideas for the leadership. I really don't have much to contribute to the team, in the end... just makeup and organizational skills. And all the encouragement and cheerfulness in the world. And networking. Smiling face. S'all we need, right? I hope so. I don't want to appear to be doing nothing. We'll see what we can get goin'.


Ack. First Farris Hall fire alarm of the year. Those alarms are seriously not cool. They will make us all deaf. Dumb idiots who designed those should be put in a small room with four of those, one on each wall, for five minutes. See how much they like it! Hmph.

Alright. It's bedtime. I've gotta get up early to go to the UCA PD to acquire a parking sticker (I was, sadly, remiss this year. ugh). Ciao.

16 August 2008

your turn at bat, sir.

I spent too much money on a docking station/alarm clock for my iPod tonight...



It probably wasn't wise for me to spend the money, but I've been wanting a docking station for ages now, since my old one went kaput on me.











This is the one I was wanting...










But, you know, I should've just splurged $10 more and gotten the iHome... it's a little prettier than the Jensen. :p







Anyway. I'm back in the dorm now. Ugh. Haha... I'm a little sad about it, and I'm a little sad that I'm sad about it, too. A little school-weary, I guess. This summer's experience with "classes" kinda burned me out. And I guess I've been feeling a little weird this week. Yesterday I moped around a bit (okay, never mind, pretty much the entire day). It was a slow day at work, and very quiet, and for some reason it really got to me. I got depressed, and not even just because of the prospect of moving back to school. There must have been something else bugging me, but I honestly can't figure out what. Maybe giving blood and being bone-tired just made me more susceptible to moodiness. Or maybe it's just me being moody. That doesn't happen very often, thankfully, so I wasn't too worried about it.

After buying those Punch Brothers tickets, I realized I had none of their music. So I downloaded some last night. Lovely, lovely music. I don't think we'll be disappointed at all.

Tomorrow my roommates (and the rest of the world) move in. It'll be nice to see everyone again, admittedly. I've missed them. I got to see Laina today, as I told her she could drop her stuff off at the room so she didn't have to haul it in tomorrow. Her hair is longer!!! Craziness.

Hok. I'm done.
I need foods. Like whoa.
Kkbai, Bekah.

14 August 2008

Carry this picture for luck.

A month into the job, and I've already found myself in a potentially stressful position where my future is not quite my own. The new major pulled me into his office yesterday and more or less asked me to act as his personal assistant when I was here during school. I told him I'd be happy to, but he wanted me to move offices.

Aie, me... I kind of told him I wanted to stay here in my second new office (I've moved twice in the past week), but after talking to Mark this morning, I don't know if that's such a good idea. He said that... if I stuck with this new job as secretary/staff for the new major, it could build into a really good job for after I graduate school...

Which is what I was wanting from ASP.

I'd been planning on sticking with this job as long as possible so I could raise money for makeup school. I'd even been hoping to be able to keep this job, or get another one here, after I graduated for a year or so. That wouldn't be so bad, would it?

I don't know. It's what I want... but now I've got all this added stress on me. Mom told me I should think hard on whether taking it would be too stressful for me during school, as my schedule is always heinously hectic. The seeds of doubt planted, I'm terrified that if I took the job, I would fail in something... be it my job, schoolwork, oboe, friends, or extracurriculars (namely Laughing Stock, Ambassadors, and Council).

I told Mark I would think about it today... in the end, I might be moving over to Mike's old office after all. I don't know. We'll see. It just... makes me nervous, how the job, in Mark's opinion, seems to hinge on whether I take that office or not.

...

Sigh.


Other than that, things are going... really well. I've been dating a guy for about a month now, and I don't think I could be happier with the situation. He's quirky, sweet, intelligent, and he has honest blue eyes. What more could I ask for, really? Haha... Plus, he loves music. That helps. And he graduated from Honors at UCA. Which helps, too-- we kind of speak on the same level. We operate on the same wavelengths. It's weird... but in the end, a delightful surprise. Whatever I did to deserve a guy like him, I don't know... but I hope it lasts.

Moving into the dorm on Saturday. Mom'll be down to help me move. I bought 4 tickets for the Punch Brothers (Chris Thile of Nickel Creek's new band) concert in November. I also plan on buying a gorgeous orchid plant for my aunt as a surprise, but I'm still working on the details for that. Hopefully she'll be home on Saturday like we'd planned.

Peace.

03 August 2008

but time takes time, you know.

I think I'll write about something happy this evening.  Some good stuff that's been going on with me since I returned from Ireland.  I met a guy.  I kid you not.  A guy.  And not just any guy.  A freaking GOOD guy.  That never happens.  He isn't a jerk.  He isn't trying to use me.  He's responsible, he's graduated from school, he has a job.  He isn't afraid to be silly.  He likes his family.

All those things are pretty cool in my book.

We're both on the same page with most things.  And that includes relationship stuff.  We're taking it slow as snails, and for once, I'm okay with that.

...

He freaking watched Doctor Who with me.
+2801924573021857124.02 points to him.


Also, I am enjoying my new job working in Highway Patrol Administration at Arkansas State Police Headquarters.  For the past three weeks I was the "Pam" of my "Office," but tomorrow the regular secretary comes back, and I'm getting relocated to an office of my own.

...I'll probably boycott it until Mike gets back from his vacation on Thursday.  I'm planning to gank his desk in the meantime.



.....................and "Scene."
How is it possible I've lost five pounds since I came back from Ireland?  Sheesh, I've been afraid to check the scales for fear I'd gained back ten, the way I've been eating since I've gone to live with my fam in Maumelle.

Strange.  Reeeeeeally strange.


Here's a shoutout to Reka and all my friends in Hungary.
Nagyon szeretlek!!!
♥.
Bekah.

28 July 2008

Philadelphia, Here I Come.

Do you ever just wish you could skip over stuff? I'm sure you do. Those disastrous tests you didn't have time to study for, or those dreaded visits from odious people you're supposed to like. How about having to call someone who's angry with you, or an important performance you aren't quite prepared for? More and more, as time passes, I find myself wishing I could skip over these things, and I'm a little ashamed to admit it. Life is a gift, someone said, and we should treasure it always-- even the bad parts. But sometimes I get so... weary of having to endure through those bad parts. Silly of me, I realize. I'm hardly this pitiful martyr who has to suffer through life-altering pain. I'm just me. Simple, unextraordinary me. But I can still wish I didn't have to deal with the pain, can't I? It suffocates me sometimes. Sometimes I just wish... I were someone else. Someone who didn't care so much. Someone who didn't give a flip about what other people think about her. Someone who didn't have to live for someone else's expectations of her, but went through life as an explorer with no other motive than to experience the world.

I'm sitting here at work, and I'm wondering how I will be able to make it through this week. I know I will. I always do. Just gets tough sometimes. When all you really want (need) is someone to tell you you're worth it, you aren't a failure, you won't break under pressure... and all you seem to get are the expectations bouncing back off you from the mirror you're looking at, demands on your time and energy and heart... that is what can become suffocating.

I worry too much. And here I was thinking I'd gotten beyond it, that I'd grown up and faced my own greatest downfall. I guess it's just going to take a lot more than that, isn't it? I'm not having nightmares regularly, that's a relief. At least I have better control about that part of myself. What I don't have control over is the obsessive part of my mind that grabs hold of an idea and won't let loose. It's just like the two characters that played "Gareth" in Brian Friel's Philadelphia, Here I Come.

Example:

Public. She's mad at me. She's going to talk to him about me. She's going to give me a bad grade. A bad grade would ruin my 4.0.
Private. Having less than a 4.0 wouldn't be the end of the world. It's normal.
Public. Yes, but one B...
Private. oh, gods, let it not be a C...
Public. ...could open the doors for more B's. I have to keep a 3.5...
Private. Not too hard. You survived two years of hard classes and still made it through with all A's.
Public. What if I'm losing my touch? What if I'm just so fed up with studying I quit? I have to get this degree.
Private. You will. Calm down.
Public. I CAN'T CALM DOWN, I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THIS NOW, OR--
Private. Or what? You'll forget to think about it later? Hardly. You're going to be thinking about it no matter how much you think about it now. Besides, you're not thinking, you're worrying to the point of obsession. How is that going to help you?
Public. Yes, but--
Private. Yes, but! Yes, but! Your entire existence thrives upon "Yes, but--"s.

I'll fight with myself for a while until I can finally force myself to think about something different, but it always comes back to that. Always. Granted, I used to have a lot more ammo. Grad school. Getting an assistantship. All those things which are important in the academic world...

...that aren't as important to me now. Now that I'm set on going to makeup school, things are different. Well, not everything. As you can see, I still obsess about the little things. About grades and people's opinions. About my future. I don't think I'll ever stop obsessing about that. I'm too much of a "goody-goody". I like my gold stars a little too much. After all, without those gold stars to prove I've done a good job, who am I? Just another rather mediocre, unexciting, not-so-beautiful, not-so-extraordinary girl trying to find out what on Earth she's supposed to do with her life. That's normal, right?

Yes, well, I hate being normal.

08 June 2008

Tripolar.

ZOMG I'M GOING TO IRELAND TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

26 May 2008

metamorphose.

Well, blogger, as with every Monday, I stumbled over to weigh myself as soon as I hopped out of bed.
And I am pleased to report that I officially weigh lighter than I have since junior high school.  Ah, I take that back.  I lost 20 pounds when I got mono in 10th grade.  So.  I officially weigh lighter than I have since I got mono in 10th grade.

According to one set of scales, I have lost 37 pounds.
According to another set of scales, I have lost 38.5.

I'm going with the former one, only because it produced those numbers more reliably.  I was surprised, though!  I ate not-so-healthily last week.

It's a weird feeling, looking at myself in the mirror.  I don't really feel like I look any different in person, though when I took pictures of myself today, my face seemed alien to me.  I have cheekbones?  Really?  Who knew.

21 May 2008

another snippet of Ryeanna's story.

I just finished up this chapter, it goes in my book somewhere... I have a real problem of writing stuff in order.

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            He awoke to find two large, sapphire blue eyes regarding him sternly.  Startled, he tried to sit up.

            “Don’t even try,” the woman warned just a moment too late, and he sank back onto the pallet with a groan.  His head ached miserably.

            “Who are you?”  Joshua hated the tremor in his voice.

            “Come now, that’s no way to thank someone who saved your life, is it?”  Her harsh reply belied the twinkle of amusement in those remarkable eyes.

            “I…”  He was shaking now, curse it all!  “I’m sorry.  Forgive me for being rude, Lady… I just… Thank you.”  It was lame, as usual.  He was not a very well-spoken man.

            “You’re welcome.”  She rose from the floor where he lay to poke at a low-burning fire on the nearby hearth.  “You may call me Ryeanna.  Just what were you doing walking the back streets alone after dark, anyway?  A man of your age, you should know better by now.”

            His eyes followed her as she spoke, observing his newfound savior.  She was a tall woman, trim and muscled.  By the way she moved, he gathered she was a fighter.  No, he knew that already from before—last night, was it?  There were no windows in the room, so he couldn’t tell.  She was Elvish, yes, with moonlight pale skin and wild charcoal hair.

            Remembering himself, he cleared throat before answering.  “I was coming home from a friend’s library.  I thought it would be quicker to go that way.  I know now how foolish it was…”

            “Foolish, indeed.  Do you not carry a knife about yourself?  No protection for such a situation?”  She turned back to look at him with a little frown marring her brow.

            “I’m afraid not… I… I guess I don’t think much about personal safety.”  He managed a weak smile.

            “Aye.  I could tell.”  She set a kettle over the fire and came back to sit beside him.  “I gave you my name.  What is yours?”

            “Joshua de Moselien, Lady, at your service.  I am but a humble scholar.”  He raised his right hand, fingertips hopelessly ink-stained, and gave a rueful smile.

            “Under different circumstances, it might be a pleasure. You’re very lucky, you realize.  Those men would not have left you alone even if you had given them your purse.”  She was staring at him again, and it made him a little uncomfortable.

            “Yes, I know.  And… thank you again, for helping me.”  Joshua blushed a bit, looking at the floor.

            “And you are twice welcome.  We will, of course, have to see about your self-preservation habits, though—or lack thereof.  There won’t always be someone around to hear your call for help.  Here.”  She picked up a pillow and scooted closer.  “Let’s get this pillow behind you so you can sit up a bit to drink your tea.”

            Moaning softly, he pushed himself up just long enough to let her shove the pillow behind him.  “I guess I got hit in the head…”

            “There, and just about everywhere else.  You’ll feel better once you get some tea in you.”  She stood and went to the fire.  “So, Joshua de Moselien.  I suppose you aren’t from around here, are you?”  She gingerly lifted the kettle from the fire and poured the steaming hot water into a plain ceramic teapot emitting a faint scent of herbs.

            “No, Lady, I am not.”

            “Just Ryeanna is fine.  No need for formalities here.”  She brushed her hair from her eyes and sat in a chair by the table.  “How long are you going to be staying?”

            He thought a moment, frowning in concentration.  “A month?  Maybe a little longer.  I have a few connections here… I am… writing a book.”  He saw her eyes glint with interest at the statement and waited.

            “Oh?  Are you?  What about, if you don’t mind me asking?”  She leaned back in the chair, indolent as a cat.

            “Economics, philosophy, science.  More philosophy than anything else, though.”  He managed a faint smile, looking toward the ceiling.

            “Sounds fascinating.”  She tugged absently on the end of her long black braid.  “How long have you been writing it?”

            Joshua rubbed a hand over his face and sighed ruefully.  “Two, three years.  It’s not very good, but I tarry diligently on.”  The woman grinned at him, and he felt his chest tighten.  She was dangerous, this Ryeanna, he could tell already.

            “Here.”  Before he knew it, she was pressing a steaming cup of tea into his hands.  “Drink up.  I’ll be right back.”

            “Wait, what time is it?”  He belatedly sipped at the tea and winced.  It tasted acrid.

            Ryeanna paused at the door, looking back at him.  “What time?  Oh… well, it’s just before dawn.  Or was, last time I checked.”

            “What, don’t you sleep?” he couldn’t help but ask.  The answering smile was enough to erase any embarrassment he’d experienced.

            “Sure I sleep.  I’m just an early riser.”  She flicks her fingers at him, gesturing for him to drink his tea as she disappeared out the doorway.  It was dark in the corridor outside, and he couldn’t imagine where she’d gone.  Where was he?  As he sipped, his eyes took in the whitewashed walls and cleanly swept floors of the room.  The fireplace was small, and it struck him as odd there would be a fireplace in a room with no windows.  The physics of the airflow and ventilation distracted him a moment before he forcefully yanked his mind back to the present.

            It was an interesting situation to find oneself in, he reflected as he dutifully drank the tea.  To be rescued from near-death by a beautiful woman, that was.  Only he could be so foolish as to get caught in a back alley after dark.  For the thousandth time since leaving home, he cursed his foolishness.  And to be saved by a woman!  Well, he couldn’t really be picky, and she did seem to be very self-possessed.  He paused a moment, trying to remember what had happened the night before.  Haziness tinged his thoughts, and he frowned, looking warily down at his cup of tea.

            His blue-eyed savior appeared in the doorway then, a tray balanced between her hands.  “Here we are… how are you feeling?”  She set the tray on the table and looked at him appraisingly.

            “Better, thanks… what’s in this tea?”  It was more from curiosity than from caution that he asked, which he demonstrated with another placatory sip.

            “Chamomile.  And some other things, but mostly chamomile.”  She grinned across the room at him, causing him to blush.  “I know it tastes awful, but you need to get some more sleep.  I might be up, but you still have a few hours before the rest of the world comes back to life.”  He watched as she pulled a piece of toast from the tray and took a bite.

            “Am I your captive then?”  As soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted them.  Stupid, stupid words.  He hoped the red in his cheeks wasn’t too visible in the firelight.  But she just smiled and reached over to take his empty cup from him.

            “For now, I suppose you are, Joshua de Moselien.  At least until you sleep off that headache of yours.”  After helping to remove the extra pillow from behind his back so he could lie down, she winked at him and patted his arm.

            As he felt himself drifting to sleep, he watched her break her fast and couldn’t help but entertain a congratulatory thought.  If one was ever to fall captive, one should definitely fall to someone like her.